SOUTH BEND, IN—Pete Buttigieg has come under fire for what many are calling a lack of credentials to be our nation’s Secretary of Transportation. But Buttigieg defended himself, pointing out that he has played tons of Mario Kart 64, making him an expert in the field. “You don’t think I know roads? Try Rainbow Road,” he said […]
We sent our cartoon reporter into the heart of Antifa. What happened next is touching. Antifa: Anti-friend or Anti-foe? Let’s anti-find out, as BNN reporter Guy Curtis goes deep undercover to find out who the real Antifa is. Are they violent criminals with no hope of rehabilitation, or do they just need a dad? EDITORS […]
WASHINGTON D.C.—Fear spread among Republicans as Senate Majority Leader Mitch McConnell was immediately struck blind upon referring to Joe Biden as “President-elect.” In reaction to the Electoral College vote, McConnell said on the floor of the Senate, “Today, I want to congratulate President-elect Joe Biden.” Right after he said it, McConnell yelled, “Ahh! I can’t […]
WASHINGTON, D.C.—Joe Biden’s Treasury Secretary-designee Janet Yellen has announced plans to remove Abraham Lincoln from the penny and replace the racist, anti-BLM president with the Black Lives Matter fist. Starting next year, all pennies will have the racist president scrubbed from existence and replaced with the much less racist symbol of the far-left movement. “Abraham […]
BEIJING—Sources within the Chinese government confirmed today that the spy who was assigned to date Rep. Eric Swalwell and get information from him abruptly returned to China and begged to be sent to a labor camp instead. “Please — don’t make me go back!” she begged after returning to China in 2015. “I’ll do anything! […]
U.S.—United Airlines came under fire this week after forcefully removing a 2-year-old from a flight for refusing to say “black lives matter.” “We tried! We even practiced together for weeks,” said the sobbing mother on Facebook Live. “But little Adeline couldn’t get the words out! The best she could do was ‘bwak wives mawa.’ She was […]
WILMINGTON, DE—As Dr. Jill Biden and her husband went out to eat over the weekend, a man began choking on his Denver omelet. But lucky for him, Dr. Jill Biden was there, and she is a doctor. “We need a doctor here!” cried a waiter. “Is there a doctor in the house?” Dr. Jill Biden […]
U.S.—Many are excited about the prospect of a vaccine to end the COVID-19 pandemic, but one group is adamantly opposed to the vaccine: teachers unions. Their fear is that widespread availability of the vaccine could lead to teachers once again being forced to teach. “Teachers are too important to risk putting them anywhere near other […]
AUSTIN, TX—After years of fighting lame California politicians who want to lock everyone in their homes so they can’t go to space or build cool stuff, Tesla CEO Elon Musk announced he was moving to a land flowing with milk and honey called Texas. Almost immediately after the move, he announced a new product the […]
WASHINGTON, DC—After weeks of partisan bickering in Congress, Nancy Pelosi and Mitch McConnell have announced that a bipartisan relief bill is finally ready for Trump’s signature. The bill will include stimulus to replenish Pelosi’s ice cream freezer, more money for the Congressional Sexual Harassment Legal Defense Fund, and free “Going Out Of Business” signs for […]
U.S.—A new system allows politicians to purchase “hypocrisy credits” whenever they break their own lockdown rules. Each credit costs just $1,000 and offsets one hypocritical action by a politician. “Want to go out dining when you just shut down all the restaurants, or vacation in an exotic location when you told everyone in your state […]
NEW YORK, NY—Representative Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez, widely regarded as the world’s smartest socialist, has been working hard on her plan to bring socialism to the U.S. She has now launched a new website, where she will share that plan with her fans for the low, low price of five easy payments of $49.99. “Do you want […]
DALLAS, TX—In an explosive interview, Chuck Norris has come out of the closet, finally revealing to the world that he is even manlier than everyone originally thought. “It’s time to come clean. I’ve been living a lie for so long,” said the martial arts master and action movie star. “For a long time, everyone thought […]
NORTH POLE—Santa Claus’s nice list is said to be run on trustworthy software, safe and secure on an unhackable server under his workshop. But some are questioning the legitimacy of the nice list after the tally suddenly spiked in the middle of the night, adding over 138,000 kids to the good side of the list. […]
U.S.—With the pandemic still ongoing and many people still getting infected with COVID-19, Democrats have been especially strict with their constituents, enforcing the harshest lockdowns and restrictions on gatherings. Fearing that’s not enough to get their point through, Democrats have gone the extra length of illustrating to the public exactly what they shouldn’t do by […]
UTAH DESERT—Scientists and conspiracy theorists are baffled after a strange monolith-shaped stack of missing Trump votes was discovered without explanation in the middle of the Utah desert. “RIGGED ELECTION!” tweeted Donald Trump after seeing the news on his Twitter feed. “They found my missing votes! There must be 10 million in that stack alone!” Scientists […]
U.S.—A fun new “Greta on the Shelf” doll will watch you every day and fly back to the UN each night to report your climate sins to the Intergovernmental Panel on Climate Change. The doll is equipped with eye sensors programmed to detect activities that are harmful to the environment. “Greta sees you when you’re […]
WILMINGTON, DE—Staffers have revealed that Biden was the victim of yet another tragic accident after his arm fell completely off as he attempted to open up a jar of peanut butter. “Yeah– it just literally fell off,” said one aide, confirming the story. “I walked into the kitchen and there was his arm, just lying […]
SALEM, OR—To prepare for the influx of Thanksgiving rulebreakers, Oregon Governor Kate Brown has ordered all drug dealers to be freed from prison to make room for all the families who violate COVID restrictions. “Drugs are legal now anyway,” said Governor Brown. “I hereby pardon all drug offenders currently doing time in Oregon prisons. I […]
SACRAMENTO, CA—California governor Gavin Newsom is especially concerned that the holiday season could lead to people coming together in joy and brotherly love — i.e., superspreader events. To fight this, Newsom has enacted a number of strict rules for the holidays and has now gone the extra step of sending police door to door to […]
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