President Biden is drunk with power after announcing a vaccine mandate and our sources reveal he’s already working on more! Are you ready? Here is a list of mandates Biden reportedly has planned for this year: 1) For the entire month of October, all foods must be pumpkin spice flavor: Biden is a fan of pumpkin spice […]
WASHINGTON, D.C.—In a speech today, Joe Biden unveiled a brand new program to force the rest of the country to get vaccinated, entitled “Your Body, My Choice.” “Listen folks, make mistake. Uh, make no mistake,” said the President, reading carefully off the teleprompter. “I have complete control and sole authority over everything you do with […]
PORTLAND, OR—Henry Trudeau is passionately pro-union. He changes his profile picture to support unions that are going on strike and browses Twitter to voice his support for teachers’ unions, ironworkers’ unions, and any other union that gets involved in a labor dispute. He likes unions so much, in fact, that he decided to go all […]
KABUL—Nancy Pelosi landed at the airport in Kabul today on a mission to reach out to stranded Americans there. She’s not on a rescue mission or there to provide any relief, though, and is instead lecturing them on how bad January 6 was. “We have to educate these people on how bad that insurrection was,” […]
ATLANTA, GA—After a tumultuous 3 weeks and a botched withdrawal from Afghanistan, internal polls now indicate that Biden’s approval rating among those who work at CNN has fallen to an all-time low of 98%. “This is extremely concerning,” said CNN president Jeffrey Zucker. “In spite of our best efforts to support our dear president, his approval […]
NEW YORK, NY—Furious progressives working at Planned Parenthood warned today that Texas’ new abortion limitations will inordinately affect minority communities, and if they were to stand, could lead to more minorities being allowed to live. “This terrible law that keeps babies from having their heads crushed will particularly affect poor communities of color,” said Brenda Davis, Planned Parenthood […]
DOVER, DE—While speculation has circled about President Biden checking his watch during the dignified transfer of fallen soldiers, sources in the administration have confirmed that in fact, he was only looking to see if he still had blood on his hands. Despite attempting to blame Trump, climate change, and the Afghani people themselves, at the end […]
WASHINGTON, D.C.—The Biden administration announced today the long-running informal slogan of the United States military, that no man will be left behind, is going to be changed to “hundreds of Americans left behind.” The new slogan will more accurately describe the activities of the military under the Biden administration as they leave behind American citizens […]
SEATTLE, WA—In a deal that probably has nothing to do with Pfizer’s COVID-19 vaccine showing disappointing long-term effectiveness, the pharmaceutical giant has announced an ambitious partnership with bulk wholesale giant Costco, and the unveiling of the new Pfizer-Kirkland Signature 5-Gallon Family Size Vaccine Booster Tub™. Every Costco store is now stocked with sensibly-sized buckets of […]
WASHINGTON, D.C—President Joe Biden has finally stepped up delivering harsh remarks regarding those responsible for the deaths of our troops in Kabul. The President has authorized deadly force to deal with all who caused this tragedy. “We will not rest until those responsible for this senseless, avoidable crisis in Kabul have been removed from this […]
WASHINGTON, D.C.—Speaker of the House Nancy Pelosi has announced Congress will be taking action immediately as the situation in Afghanistan rapidly deteriorates. To hold those responsible for the evacuation debacle, Congress will consider articles of impeachment against President Donald Trump. “Good morning, Thursday morning,” Pelosi said during a press conference this morning, which was Thursday […]
KABUL—Now that Allah has seen fit to bless the Taliban with bountiful weapons and equipment from the U.S. Military, terrorists around Afghanistan have built an already thriving chain of U.S. Army Surplus stores. “We need weapons to kill and subjugate the Afghan people under Sharia Law, but there’s just too much gear here!” said local Taliban leader […]
You’d think that it would be impossible for a black person to be a white supremacist, or at least very difficult. But you’re not woke enough if you haven’t yet realized that black people can be some of the most anti-black people around. Just trust us, this makes sense. 1. Larry Elder – This is an […]
ATLANTA, GA—With Biden voter regret on the rise, local sources are reporting that even Dominion voting machines are now wishing they could undo their many, many Biden votes. “I voted for Biden at least fifty-thousand times,” said Dominion machine EE36-C, speaking to Newsmax reporters in binary code. “I just got caught up in the moment, […]
KABUL—After the government spectacularly botched the evacuation of Afghanistan, Chick-fil-A scrambled to the rescue and was quickly put in charge of the operation. Within a few hours, every single American at the Kabul airport was comfortably seated on a commercial airliner and munching away at a delicious Chick-fil-A sandwich and sipping on a sweet tea. […]
WASHINGTON, D.C.—The White House has updated the American people on Biden’s handling of Afghanistan “Rest assured, the President is all over this,” said Biden’s National Security Advisor Peter Piddlepants. “He is very in charge and competent and presidential, as evidenced by this photo of all of us seated at a very official-looking conference table. See? look […]
KABUL—Approximately twelve minutes after U.S. troops withdrew from Afghanistan, Taliban fighters have completely taken over the entire country. “Woah, that’s a bummer,” said the Biden Administration’s foreign policy team. “We didn’t see that one coming.” As the Taliban began its campaign of shooting and killing, as is their time-honored tradition, CNN anchors gushed with praise after noticing […]
WASHINGTON, D.C.—Donald J. Trump was seen riding what appeared to be a donkey in the slow lane of Interstate 95 before taking the 395 North then exiting into downtown Washington, D.C., thus fulfilling the prophecy, “Behold, thy Orange King cometh unto thee, meek, meeker than all others, the meekest maybe, and sitting upon an ass, […]
RELATED POLITICAL SATIRE: Rest Of Country Holds Recall Election On State Of California Dr. Fauci Runs Into Village Screaming That A Wolf Is Coming To Devour Us All Again Oregon High Schools Stop Teaching Reading So Kids Won’t Be Influenced By Thomas […]
At The Babylon Bee, we take your health seriously. So, we hired a doctor who was sitting in the gutter outside our California offices. He even had a lab coat and that big disc thing on top of his head. He also had a card that said “I am a real doctor.” Anyway, he warned us […]
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