TALLAHASSEE, FL—With all the evil Democrats and namby-pamby Republicans around the country making innocent kids wear masks against their will, one courageous state governor, Ron DeSantis, is putting his foot down. He has just signed an order decreeing that all teachers who make kids wear masks will be thrown in the gator pond. “Now THAT is […]
ATLANTA, GA—Former Governor Andrew Cuomo has resigned in disgrace amid accusations of sexual harassment, but the sky is still the limit for his career, as CNN immediately hired him under a multi-million-dollar contract. As soon as CNN learned the man was credibly accused of sexual harassment, they scooped him up to be an on-air personality. […]
TOKYO—Olympic wrestler Tamyra Mensah-Stock was stripped of her gold medal Thursday after several of the athlete’s pro-USA comments were circulated online. A spokesman for the United States Olympic Committee (USOC) said there’s no place for that type of vulgar language in sports today. “The United States Olympic Committee stands for pretty much the opposite of […]
WASHINGTON, D.C.—Nancy Pelosi announced today that she will strictly be enforcing her anti-Constitution rule at the Capitol and that any congressperson caught carrying a copy of the document will be arrested. “I’ve instructed Capitol Police to arrest anyone with this dangerous document,” she said. “It has harmful misinformation in there about how you can just […]
U.S.—Democrat governors and policymakers across the nation are considering another lockdown to wipe out the few small businesses that somehow managed to survive the previous lockdowns. “We’ve received word that new, deadly variants of small businesses, um, I mean COVID, are popping up in spite of our best efforts to crush them forever,” said Pelosi in […]
WASHINGTON, D.C.—The American people took to the streets on Friday to call on the Capitol Police to arrest all members of Congress whether they were wearing a mask or not. This surprising development came two days after Nancy Pelosi announced that any House staff or visitors not wearing a mask would be prevented from entering […]
It’s almost that time of year again! Public schools will be starting in a few weeks! Time to send your conservative little tikes into a hostile den of godless commies. How will they survive? Make sure they’re ready with this conservative shopping list! -Fireproof American flag to carry around: Public school teachers are always on the lookout […]
WASHINGTON, D.C.—In a harrowing testimony before the January 6th Committee, Capitol Police Officer Lenny Burbo revealed his paralyzing fear as MAGA terrorist insurrectionist racists stormed the Capitol. “I stood there, paralyzed by fear as I held the door open so people could enter,” said Burbo. “As boomer after boomer entered the facility in an orderly […]
Here are seven signs you might have been indoctrinated by biased news sources: 1) You often begin conversations with “You know, the experts are saying…” – If you find yourself citing “the experts” all the time, you might be relying too much on biased news sources. 2) You don’t know what to think about an issue […]
TOKYO—The U.S. Women’s Soccer Team’s Olympic hopes are once again in jeopardy after opponents came up with a clever way to defeat them: playing the U.S. national anthem during every game so that the women have to kneel the entire time. It’s a move many are calling the “greatest 4D chess move of all time.” […]
HOLLYWOOD, CA—Sony Pictures has released a trailer for Ghostbusters: Afterlife, a new Ghostbusters movie that follows the story of the original two. Response to the trailer has been cautious after the disastrous previous attempt to reboot the franchise in 2016. Sony Pictures vows this movie will be different, though, primarily because they’re not letting any women act in […]
So, you still have guns in your house, huh? First of all, shame on you. Second of all, we realize you may be slightly hesitant about just turning them all over to the government, so we put together a list of reasons (out of the hundreds of reasons) you should just turn in your guns […]
U.S.—Experts are warning of yet another new problem facing the nation: They’ve spotted a new, more dangerous freedom variant spreading among the populace. This freedom is so virulent that people infected by it feel they can ignore government edicts about masks and lockdowns. “Usually, the freedom we see in the wild is fairly mild,” explained […]
CINCINNATI, OH—As part of a campaign to raise awareness and improve public knowledge on treatment options, CNN aired an hour-long public service announcement on the warning signs of dementia Wednesday night. The PSA, which ran over an hour, showed tragic footage of an old man ranting and making nonsensical, confusing statements. CNN says they hope the […]
TOKYO—People were stunned after the U.S. women’s soccer team lost to Sweden in the Olympics this week by a score of 3-0—until the team revealed they are boycotting scoring any goals until racism is defeated. “Yeah, we didn’t score any goals against Sweden last night, but that was totally on purpose,” said star player and beloved […]
ATLANTA, GA—CNN has unveiled an exciting new subscription service, CNN+, that blocks all CNN programming from view for the low, low price of $15 per month. The move is expected to save CNN from bankruptcy, as the highly anticipated feature already has millions of sign-ups. Many thought CNN would not recover from the post-Trump years, […]
CAMBRIDGE, MA—With humanity languishing under the evil tyranny of Facebook, everyday citizens have pooled their resources together to send a killer robot back in time to 2004 to prevent Mark Zuckerberg from inventing the wicked technological scourge in the first place. “We’ve created the ultimate bionic A.I. humanoid to find Zuckerberg and prevent this dark […]
WASHINGTON, D.C.—The World Health Organization has issued a travel warning for anyone traveling to D.C. this week since according to several reports, a plane full of COVID infected anti-science extremists from Texas have flown to the nation’s capital and are conducting deadly super-spreader events there. “According to eyewitnesses, these Grandma-killing monsters didn’t even wear masks on […]
WASHINGTON, D.C.—The Biden administration has decided to crack down hard on those who spread covid misinformation on social media. Because of this, Press Secretary Jen Psaki has been promptly and permanently removed from all social media platforms. “We take this ban very seriously,” a Biden official said. “Ol’ Jen had an enormous reach online, and our […]
MENLO PARK, CA—As part of an attempt to slow the spread of misinformation on its platform, Facebook has introduced a new “report post to the White House” button. The feature allows you to flag posts for the Biden administration to review for misinformation. Handy for opinions you disagree with, comments critical of the government, and […]
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