Entries by The Babylon Bee

Gettysburg Monuments To Be Replaced With Memorial To The Millions Killed By Voter ID Laws

GETTYSBURG, PA—President Biden issued an executive order today instructing the National Park Service to begin tearing down all the monuments at Gettysburg National Military Park so they can be replaced with memorials to all the millions killed by Republican laws asking people to show ID to vote. “These new voting laws are way more deadly […]

CNN Says Cuban Protests Likely Due To Climate Change

ATLANTA, GA—During a news report Wednesday, CNN anchors blamed the Cuban protests on “climate change,” saying the mass demonstrations against the communist government were likely due to global warming. The cable news station told its dozens of viewers that global warming drove thousands of Cubans out of their homes, with the heat making them deliriously […]

‘You Just Don’t Understand Socialism Like I Do,’ Says College Freshman To Man Who Escaped Socialism On A Raft

MIAMI, FL—While on his way to a summer sociology course at the University of Miami, local college freshman Eddard Pollyton noticed a Cuban American man sitting on a bench. He took the time to lecture the man, who had escaped socialism on a raft when he was young, on why socialism is actually good and how he […]

‘Vaccines Should Be Mandatory,’ Says Woman Wearing My Body, My Choice T-Shirt

PORTLAND, OR—During a conversation at work Monday, local woman Reighnye Leighton argued that the government should just mandate that everyone get vaccinated. She made this argument as she wore her favorite, well-worn “My Body, My Choice” T-shirt. “Vaccines should be mandatory,” said the woman who goes out and protests every weekend that she should be […]

Updated Death Certificates Require Choosing Between COVID, Climate Change, Or Systemic Racism As Cause Of Death

U.S.—The Biden administration is providing new guidance to coroners and medical examiners across the country for determining causes of death. From now on, doctors and officials who sign death certificates will be required to choose between COVID, climate change, or systemic racism to describe how the person died. “Listen, folks, this is much easier,” said […]

Biden, Psaki To Go Door To Door On Bikes Asking If You Have A Moment To Talk About Getting Vaccinated

U.S.—After falling short of his vaccination goals this month, the Biden Administration has announced a new effort to encourage people to get vaccinated. President Biden and Press Secretary Jen Psaki are now riding across the country on bicycles, going door-to-door to spread the good news. “Excuse me, sir, do you have a moment to talk about our Lord […]

New Evidence Indicates Critical Race Theory Escaped From A Lab In A College Humanities Department

U.S.—Scientists have discovered mounting evidence that critical race theory escaped from a lab in a college humanities department some decades ago. Originally thought to be a deranged conspiracy theory, the idea that CRT escaped from a liberal arts program is now accepted as mainstream consensus. “While many believed the deadly CRT virus arose naturally out […]

Facebook To Provide Pop-Up Warning When Your Friends Begin Thinking For Themselves

MENLO PARK, CA—Facebook has introduced a new feature that will warn you when one of your friends is sharing free and independent thoughts on its network. Should you encounter an unapproved opinion, Facebook will provide a pop-up warning letting you know that if you’re concerned about a friend expressing opinions derived from free thought that […]

Frustrated Women Demand Trans Women In Public Restrooms Stop Leaving The Toilet Seat Up

“We’re sick of it!” said one probably transphobic woman. “We women have to deal with this all the time at home with our husbands or boyfriends, and now this? What’s it gonna take for you men– er, women, to stop leaving the toilet seat up?” Some facilities had previously addressed this problem by gluing down the […]

With Pride Month Ending, Nation Excited For Lust, Gluttony, Envy Months

U.S.—After a fun and exciting month of celebrating pride, the first of the seven deadly sins, Americans are gearing up to celebrate Greed Month—as well as Lust Month, Envy Month, Gluttony Month, Wrath Month, And Sloth Month. “Yeah- it’s been a great pride month. I feel so prideful!” said local man Sasparillo Gunderprit. “But what I’m […]

Biden Says Latinx Aren’t Getting Vaccinated Because Their Giant Sombreros Make It Impossible To Enter Pharmacies

RALEIGH, NC—It looks like President Joe Biden is not going to meet his goal of 70% of adults vaccinated by July 4th, and in a recent statement to the press during his “month of action” campaign, he explained why he believes there is some vaccination hesitancy, especially among minorities. “It’s just hard for many minorities […]

Kids In Cages Disguise Selves As BLM Rioters In Hopes Of Kamala Freeing Them

U.S.-MEXICO BORDER—At a migrant child facility near the U.S.-Mexico border in southern Arizona, children caught wind of Kamala Harris coming to visit them, hearing her cackle from thousands of miles away. “El diablo viene! El diablo viene! Dios mio!” cried hundreds of migrant children as they heard her approach. But quickly, a plan was hatched: the […]