The American Civil War was pretty bad, but there are a lot of things that have happened since then. Some of them are even worse than the Civil War. Just ask Joe Biden. Over his short presidency, he has already compared all ten of these things to the Civil War: 1. Republicans asking people to […]
GETTYSBURG, PA—President Biden issued an executive order today instructing the National Park Service to begin tearing down all the monuments at Gettysburg National Military Park so they can be replaced with memorials to all the millions killed by Republican laws asking people to show ID to vote. “These new voting laws are way more deadly […]
ATLANTA, GA—During a news report Wednesday, CNN anchors blamed the Cuban protests on “climate change,” saying the mass demonstrations against the communist government were likely due to global warming. The cable news station told its dozens of viewers that global warming drove thousands of Cubans out of their homes, with the heat making them deliriously […]
MIAMI, FL—While on his way to a summer sociology course at the University of Miami, local college freshman Eddard Pollyton noticed a Cuban American man sitting on a bench. He took the time to lecture the man, who had escaped socialism on a raft when he was young, on why socialism is actually good and how he […]
PORTLAND, OR—During a conversation at work Monday, local woman Reighnye Leighton argued that the government should just mandate that everyone get vaccinated. She made this argument as she wore her favorite, well-worn “My Body, My Choice” T-shirt. “Vaccines should be mandatory,” said the woman who goes out and protests every weekend that she should be […]
We all know that CRT is simply the honest teaching of American history. It’s also a niche legal theory that is only taught in college. It’s also an arbitrary label that racists use to slander everything they don’t like. It’s also the only way to make sure your elementary school kids don’t grow up thinking slavery is […]
The Smithsonian has seen an influx of donations of relics from January 6, the darkest day in our nation’s history, if you don’t count a few of the big ones. Here are twelve of the most significant artifacts that have been donated so far: 1. Buffalo guy’s buffalo hat – This will be displayed on a […]
The vaccine door-to-door evangelists are coming for you! Luckily, we at The Babylon Bee are extremely anti-social, so we’ve got some great ways to scare off the vaccine missionaries trying to get you to accept Dr. Fauci as your lord and savior. Try one of these and let us know how it goes!* 1. Answer […]
U.S.—The Biden administration is providing new guidance to coroners and medical examiners across the country for determining causes of death. From now on, doctors and officials who sign death certificates will be required to choose between COVID, climate change, or systemic racism to describe how the person died. “Listen, folks, this is much easier,” said […]
U.S.—After falling short of his vaccination goals this month, the Biden Administration has announced a new effort to encourage people to get vaccinated. President Biden and Press Secretary Jen Psaki are now riding across the country on bicycles, going door-to-door to spread the good news. “Excuse me, sir, do you have a moment to talk about our Lord […]
U.S.—Scientists have discovered mounting evidence that critical race theory escaped from a lab in a college humanities department some decades ago. Originally thought to be a deranged conspiracy theory, the idea that CRT escaped from a liberal arts program is now accepted as mainstream consensus. “While many believed the deadly CRT virus arose naturally out […]
MENLO PARK, CA—Facebook has introduced a new feature that will warn you when one of your friends is sharing free and independent thoughts on its network. Should you encounter an unapproved opinion, Facebook will provide a pop-up warning letting you know that if you’re concerned about a friend expressing opinions derived from free thought that […]
BOCA GRANDE, FL—Fox News host Tucker Carlson has been going back and forth with the NSA, with the television commentator insisting the NSA is spying on him. The agency, however, has denied the claim, saying, “We at the NSA are not spying on you and have never spied on you” in a tinny, muffled voice […]
Everyone knows the 2020 election was literally the most secure and fair presidential election—like, ever. But we know there are still a few skeptics out there. Here at the Bee, our number one mission is to prevent the spread of misinformation and make sure everyone still has faith in our democracy. To help convince you, […]
“We’re sick of it!” said one probably transphobic woman. “We women have to deal with this all the time at home with our husbands or boyfriends, and now this? What’s it gonna take for you men– er, women, to stop leaving the toilet seat up?” Some facilities had previously addressed this problem by gluing down the […]
We all know Biden is planning to become an oppressive dictator. He is a Democrat and Democrats are Marxists and Marxists killed one hundred million people last century, so Biden is probably planning to kill at least that many. Here are the signs to look for that Biden is about to go full dictator. 1) […]
U.S.—After a fun and exciting month of celebrating pride, the first of the seven deadly sins, Americans are gearing up to celebrate Greed Month—as well as Lust Month, Envy Month, Gluttony Month, Wrath Month, And Sloth Month. “Yeah- it’s been a great pride month. I feel so prideful!” said local man Sasparillo Gunderprit. “But what I’m […]
It’s every parent’s worst nightmare: your kid comes out as a libertarian. Don’t worry — we can help you nip it in the bud. You should be closely involved in your teen’s life to make sure he doesn’t suddenly start believing in freedom and personal responsibility. Make sure to constantly check for these 9 warning […]
RALEIGH, NC—It looks like President Joe Biden is not going to meet his goal of 70% of adults vaccinated by July 4th, and in a recent statement to the press during his “month of action” campaign, he explained why he believes there is some vaccination hesitancy, especially among minorities. “It’s just hard for many minorities […]
U.S.-MEXICO BORDER—At a migrant child facility near the U.S.-Mexico border in southern Arizona, children caught wind of Kamala Harris coming to visit them, hearing her cackle from thousands of miles away. “El diablo viene! El diablo viene! Dios mio!” cried hundreds of migrant children as they heard her approach. But quickly, a plan was hatched: the […]
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