WASHINGTON, D.C.—Authorities in D.C. have erected a large 12-foot fence around the Capitol, which will be guarded by thousands of soldiers. A study has found that the majority of Americans support making the wall around the Capitol permanent to keep the politicians corralled in there. In spite of the precautions, many Americans are worried that […]
U.S.—With Trump cut off from his primary means of communication on Twitter, he has been forced to find creative ways to communicate with his supporters. Yesterday, people in D.C. reported seeing a column of black smoke rising from the white house lawn in a distinctive Morse code pattern. The pattern was later translated to mean […]
WILMINGTON, DE—President-elect Joe Biden gave a press briefing from the basement of his Wilmington mansion announcing that his incoming administration will be utilizing an innovative skin color chart to determine who is the priority in receiving their share of the $900 billion federal coronavirus aid package recently passed by Congress. “Our priority will be black, […]
SEATTLE, WA—In a devastating move to the multi-billion dollar company Amazon, the entire Amazon website has been kicked off Amazon Web Services. This happened after it was found that Amazon.com was selling President Donald Trump’s book The Art of the Deal, a book that financially contributes to the menace Donald Trump while also causing people to […]
WASHINGTON, D.C.—A review of Trump’s statements last week made it clear that he was inciting violence, as he very clearly told people to “remain peaceful” and not carry out any violence. The dangerous cult leader encouraged his followers to protest at the Capitol, but to remain peaceful, which is an obvious instance of inciting violence, […]
WASHINGTON, D.C.—Congress people from both parties condemned the attack on the Capitol that occurred Wednesday, pointing out that they’re the only criminals allowed in the building. Capitol police removed the unauthorized criminals from the Capitol Building, allowing the officially voted-in criminals to resume operations. “We would like to remind Americans that we are the only […]
WASHINGTON D.C.—As protesters against the Electoral College vote certification stormed the Capitol, President Donald Trump made a video message and posted it on social media to try to calm everyone down. “Everyone stop getting angry over this illegally stolen election that will end this country,” Trump said in the video. “I know that the Democrats […]
WASHINGTON D.C.—“Freedom is over!” Biden announced to the press as the red flag of the Chinese Communist Party flew over the Capitol, marking that the Democrats now have control of the presidency, Senate, and House. “The Bill of Rights is gone,” Biden continued. “Free markets will end. Now that we have a slim majority in the […]
WASHINGTON, D.C.—In light of recent events, Biden has updated his COVID plan to include not just a mask mandate, but a mask womandate as well. In a prepared statement given to his nurse and posted on Twitter, the completely legitimate and unquestioned president-elect apologized for the sexist language in his plan. “Listen folks– we all […]
WILMINGTON, DE—To commemorate the “completely fair and honest” 2020 election, Joe Biden has announced a brand new memoir called If I Rigged It. The book is already being met with critical acclaim for its compelling description of a totally hypothetical situation where Biden and the Democrats fraudulently steal the election. “Listen here, Jack– I didn’t steal the election,” said […]
WASHINGTON, D.C.—Congress has asked all non-essential businesses to limit their hours or close entirely for an undetermined amount of time. But this shutdown mistakenly shut down the most non-essential entity of all: the government. For a brief period of time, all government in the United States was illegal, since it is completely non-essential to everything. […]
U.S.—Many Americans, in anticipation of a $600 government-issued stimulus check, have treated themselves to a brand new gun. Now that President Trump is calling instead for $2000 checks, gun stores are struggling to keep up with customers returning their $600 guns and purchasing $2000 guns. “I sure am glad I kept the receipt!” exclaimed local […]
ATLANTA, GA – According to a report from the Centers for Disease Control released on Thursday, people with inside, compromising knowledge of Bill and Hillary Clinton’s financial and political dealings are 843% more likely to commit suicide. “We’ve never seen a single risk factor cause a spike of this magnitude,” a CDC spokesperson told reporters. […]
U.S.—With more and more statues across the country being pulled down, pigeons are being forced to redirect their payloads to different targets. As soon as statues are pulled down, the pigeons turn toward the nearest available target: angry rioters. “Yes! Down with racism–AHHHHH!!!!” screamed one rioter just after pulling down a statue of Christopher Columbus. […]
PLANO, TX—When ballparks finally open again, those standing for the traditional seventh-inning stretch will be singing some different lyrics to “Take Me Out to the Ballgame.” After over 100 years of selling its caramel popcorn snack under the name Cracker Jack, Frito-Lay announced today that it would be rebranded as the less offensive “Caucasian Jack.” […]
U.S.—According to sources at the DNC, Joe Biden, a man who has been part of government since before Jaws, Star Wars, the Walkman, the NES, and the publishing of The Silmarillion, is just the man for the difficult task of fixing the government. “This man who has been part of the broken system since 1972 is our last hope […]
WASHINGTON, D.C.—Nancy Pelosi has announced that every $600 stimulus check will come with a free slice of cake for Americans to eat. She made the announcement in a speech yesterday after the stimulus bill was criticized for not doing enough for the middle class. The amendment to the $900 billion stimulus bill, coupled with the […]
WASHINGTON, D.C.—In a historic compromise, the Senate and U.S. House of Representatives have finally settled on a stimulus package for Americans struggling and out of work. In addition to bailouts, money for pet projects, and payouts to unions, Congress has authorized a very special $5 off coupon to Applebee’s. “We are proud to have come […]
MORAK—A Mandalorian bounty hunter has taken some flak online after footage revealed he took off his mask while on the jungle planet Morak this past week. The surfaced footage showed the bounty hunter taking off his mask while in close proximity to Imperial officers and his colleagues, in a poorly ventilated, indoor dining area. He […]
WASHINGTON, DC—In a shocking upset, President Trump brought Biden’s transition to a screeching halt after revealing he has obtained the legendary Darksaber. According to lore, the Darksaber gives Trump all rights of kingship over America, which can only be taken from him through ritual combat. “This is it. Democracy is over,” wept Brian Stelter during […]
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