Babylon Mom: Don’t Judge Me By My Rude, Misbehaving Kids, But By My Fall Family Photos

Hey everyone, sorry it’s been a while since I’ve updated this blog. It’s just been crazy around here!

Fall is here, and ladies we all know what that means: cooler weather, Friday night football, and popping Xanax before your annual family photoshoot.

You know how it goes: you spend countless hours, sacrificing quality family time and even missing your second child’s birthday party, to piece together the most enviable fall wardrobe for your family photos. You know, for once in my life, I would just like to hear my 5-year-old say, “Thanks, Mom!  Thanks for these $200 riding boots and tiny tailored blazer that make me look like a mini equestrian from a much richer family!” But, no. These kids are ungrateful, and honestly, not even that cute without my keen eye for styling, fresh haircuts, and heavily edited photography.

What’s more, is that my kids are too dense to realize that I’m doing all this for them!  It’s like they don’t even realize that being a whiny, shrill, virus-multiplying creature is really not a good look on anyone. Which is why, on this one day, I must capture them in the perfect combination of warm tones, solids, plaids, infinity scarves, and Sherpa accents. All those school suspensions will be white noise behind the canvas on our wall that everyone will judge us by.

Sure, under all that flannel, there is a little tension by the time we arrive for the photoshoot. Perhaps threatening to smash my tween’s Nintendo with a hammer and slipping our toddler Benadryl was a bit extreme, but it’s only because I want people to be able to see the real them! I want people to see my children as I see them – or at least how I see them when I’m drunk on a couple’s getaway and feeling strangely nostalgic. Then, after months of preparation and several thousand dollars, in thirty minutes it’s all over. All those phone calls from the fire department about my kid shooting rockets off the nursing home roof are in the rearview. A new reality has arrived, framed forever in gorgeous mahogany.

Honest truth, if you can’t see past my children’s pathological behavior to their freshly pressed Boden and Dior attire, then I’m not sure I can help you. I admit, these kids of mine have left me questioning so many life decisions and maybe even prevented a small handful of our friends from becoming parents, but I think the number of views on my Insta is clearly redeeming. So do this mom a solid, and take a look at these remarkable family photos that we will be paying off for the next 12 months. I need this in my life. Look at them. LOOK AT THEM!

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EDITORS NOTE: This political satire column by Babylon Mom on The Babylon Bee is republished with permission. ©All rights reserved.