Impeachment Sequel To Go Straight To DVD

WASHINGTON, D.C.—While Impeachment is a beloved classic that was released in theatres a year ago, the short-awaited sequel Impeachment 2: The Reckoning is going to be released straight to DVD, sources confirmed Tuesday.

Due to budgetary concerns and lack of interest, the movie will skip theatres and go straight to home video. The plot of the new film is said to be a straight rip-off of the first film, but with a lot more crying, posturing, and grandstanding. Many critics have said the new movie is predictable and boring, with some claiming it’s entirely pointless.

“Yeah, I mean, the first Impeachment was OK, but did we really need a second one?” wrote movie reviewer Landon Giles. “It’s just superfluous at this point. Yeah, yeah, orange man bad, we get it. The big bad guy in this one isn’t even the president this time! He’s just some private citizen! And all the same old dialogue is rehashed. It’s just not fresh anymore.”

According to sources, the third Impeachment movie will be directed by Rian Johnson and will feature the impeachment managers being old and bitter on an island while they milk alien cows.


Jim Bob Duggar To Become Richest Man Alive Following Biden’s $3000 Per Child Stimulus

Op-Ed: Today’s Youth Simply Don’t Have The Work Ethic To Build The Gulags Needed For Their Communist Ideals

Death Metal Band With Writer’s Block Turns To Old Testament For Inspiration

Stacey Abrams Celebrates Her 55th Super Bowl Win

Help Is On The Way: Next Stimulus Bill Will Give Every American $2,000 Worth Of Masks

EDITORS NOTE: This political satire column by The Babylon Bee is republished with permission. ©All rights reserved.

Biden Announces Rollback Of All Jobs Created By Trump

WASHINGTON, D.C.—In a surprise announcement at the start of the week, President Biden revealed that, for the good of the country, he will be eliminating all jobs created by Trump.

“Listen, folks– it’s time to wash away the mistakes of the past,” said Biden to a clump of bran in his cereal bowl he mistook for his labor secretary. “Trump was a bad racist man, and everything he did was bad. It’s time to roll back all the racist jobs he created and replace them with new, non-racist jobs– like windmill painters, solar panel squeegee repairmen, and COVID lockdown enforcers.”

Journalists at The New York Times praised the announcement as “a step in the right direction” toward forever erasing the Trump presidency. “All those millions of jobs have been tainted by white supremacy,” said Executive Editor Dean Baquet. “All those people who are losing their jobs should thank President Biden since they no longer work in Trump-created jobs and are now on the right side of history.”

Biden has promised to build special labor camps for people who have lost their jobs and still want to do some labor. “We will pay you with 1 bag of rice per week, and some delicious powdered milk!” he announced proudly.

Unfortunately, this measure is expected to eliminate most mainstream journalism jobs, since Trump created most of those too.


Biden: ‘If You’re Not Okay With Women Aborting Their Babies, Then You Ain’t Catholic!’

In Hard-Hitting Press Conference, Press Demands To Know Biden’s Favorite Disney Princess

Bernie Buys Fourth Home With Meme Earnings

Triple-Masker Looks Down On People Who Only Double Mask

From Greco-Persian Wars To The Civil Rights Movement, Here Are 7 Times Kamala Harris Changed The Course Of World History

EDITORS NOTE: This political satire column by The Babylon Bee is republished with permission. All rights reserved.

In Effort To Appeal To Socialists, Mike Lindell Introduces ‘OurPillow’

CHASKA, MN—Mike Lindell, more commonly known as the “MyPillow Guy,” is making headlines once again with his newest line of pillows. MyPillow is now targeting the socialist demographic with the release of OurPillow.

“MyPillow did really well in the Trump era, but now with a new administration, it’s time to try out OurPillow, my comrades!” said an exuberant Mike Lindell. “And we are proud to announce that we are transitioning to overseas factories so every OurPillow will be made 100% in the communist utopia of China!”

A recent “As Seen On TV” commercial revealed that OurPillow will no longer perfectly adjust to fit individuals, but instead it will conform to the masses. It also boasts a patented, quick-drying, liberal tear absorbing foam. “It’s guaranteed the most comfortable pillow the State will ever own and let you use!” said Lindell.

“We love how inclusive OurPillow is, and now that the government is paying for it, everyone can enjoy!” said democratic socialist Millie Lenin. “Not to mention– the built-in deodorizer is a nice touch.”

When asked how to order OurPillow, Mike Lindell replied: “Look for OurPillow today being distributed at a breadline near you!”


Scientists Predict Humans Will Simply Be Giant Rolling Balls Of Masks By 2024

Toxic Masculinity: Star Wars Fans Threatened By Strong, Independent, Free-Thinking Woman

Lincoln Distances Self From Lincoln Project

Forget Myanmar: Here Are 12 Other Countries Biden Should Invade RIGHT NOW

Office Conservative Clearly A Diversity Hire

EDITORS NOTE: This political satire column by The Babylon Bee is republished with permission. ©All rights reserved.

Democrats Announce It Is Safe To Reopen Now That Federal Government Has Tested Negative For Trump

U.S.—Democrat leaders around the country are declaring it is now safe to reopen since the federal government’s tests have come back negative for Trump.

“The key indicator we were looking for before we could begin the reopening process was that Trump wasn’t president,” said Governor Gavin Newsom. “While we are at the worst point yet in this pandemic, it now makes sense to open– even though the science said the exact opposite last year when it was comparably mild. Because now, all the tests are indicating we have tested negative for Trump.”

Governor Cuomo agreed, saying that all his key science experts — the ones who haven’t quit yet in disgust — are advising him to go ahead and reopen since the tests are coming back negative for Trump. “When the tests were positive some weeks ago, we were pretty concerned,” Cuomo told a reporter down by the docks as he threw a dead senior into the harbor. “Now, the tests are all looking really good for Democrats, so we’re gonna go ahead and get started.”

Governor Whitmer last year cast a spell on Michigan so it would be always winter and never Christmas, but she says she is canceling the spell now and encouraging Michiganders to celebrate “the true Christmas: Biden getting elected.”


Jeff Bezos Announces He Will Step Down From Amazon To Focus On Being A Bond Villain

AOC Claims Two Men In MAGA Hats Threw Economics Textbooks At Her

In Effort To Shake Off Abuse Allegations, Marilyn Manson Runs For Office As A Democrat

Homeschool Moms Unionize, Demand Minimum Three Hours Sleep

EDITORS NOTE: This political satire column by The Babylon Bee is republished with permission. ©All rights reserved.

New Social Media Startup Hopes To Be Successful Enough To Get Totally Crushed By Big Tech One Day

GLASTONBURY, CT—An alternative social network dedicated to internet freedom is hoping to one day be big enough to be targeted and deplatformed by Big Tech.

“Man, if we can get big enough to have all the other social networks, all the app stores, and even our internet host ban us from existence — well, that’s the dream, isn’t it?” said one VP at the company during a meeting Wednesday.

The company’s executive board sat down and brainstormed ways they could grow their network to promote a free internet and allow creators to monetize their content, with hopes that one day they would be a big enough target for Twitter, Facebook, Google, Amazon, and the government to simultaneously crack down on. “You know, you start up these little social companies, and a lot of them go belly up pretty quickly,” said one spokesperson. “But with a lot of effort and a spark of creativity, you can make your social network big enough to get destroyed by Big Tech once you’re a threat.”

The social network’s three-step plan for growth is to build a cutting-edge, sleek platform that’s easy to use and helps users engage with creators’ thought-provoking content, then to go viral as users flee other social network sites due to a crackdown on free speech, and finally the big payoff: to get totally crushed by Big Tech one day.

“We’re just a small, growing company with big dreams,” the spokesperson added wistfully.

Big Tech is a behemoth, but alternative social sites are keeping the dream of free speech on the internet alive. Make sure to follow The Babylon Bee on Minds, the leading alternative social network dedicated to Internet freedom and creator monetization.


‘I’ve Been Shot!’ Screams AOC As Ted Cruz Greets Her With Set Of Friendly Finger Guns

Never-Trump Christians Proud To Have Helped America Return To An Era Of Godly Leadership

Fauci Spins His Handy ‘Wheel Of Science’ To See What He Should Recommend Today

BLM Nominated For New Nobel ‘Mostly Peaceful’ Prize

Pelosi Announces Walls Now Work And Are No Longer Racist

Wife Promises To ‘Circle Back’ To Question About How Much She Spent At Hobby Lobby

EDITORS NOTE: This political satire column by The Babylon Bee is republished with permission. ©All rights reserved.

Biden Sees Own Shadow, Predicting Just Six Weeks Of Being President

WASHINGTON, D.C.—Shortly after being sworn in Wednesday, January 20, 2021, Joe Biden looked down and saw his shadow, predicting just six weeks of being president of the United States.

Biden briefly emerged from his basement to attend his inauguration, where he saw the shadow, declared he would be president for just six weeks, and then returned into hibernation to await his fate.

“Well, looky there,” he said, pointing at the faintest outline of a shadow on the ground. “Looks like I’ll have about six weeks in office.” Biden said he is looking forward to executing his plans for the nation, from napping and calling a lid to puttering about the White House and trying not to get assassinated by Kamala Harris.

At publishing time, sources had further confirmed that on his way out of the inauguration ceremony, Biden narrowly dodged a falling anvil, an ACME dynamite trap, and a falling piano.


Biden, Harris Rushed To Burn Ward After Touching Bible

Increased Inauguration Security: Bulletproof Glass Placed Between Biden And Harris

Fireworks Erupt Over Beijing To Celebrate Biden Inauguration

EDITORS NOTE: This political satire column by The Babylon Bee is republished with permission. ©All rights reserved.

Jen Psaki Says She’ll ‘Circle Back’ To Question About Why Biden Is Currently Wandering Press Room Sniffing Reporters

WASHINGTON, D.C.—During a press conference Thursday, Press Secretary Jen Psaki was asked why Joe Biden was currently wandering around the room getting “a good whiff” of various female reporters’ hair.
She deftly handled the question, promising to “circle back” to it before taking another question about which Ninja Turtle is Joe Biden’s favorite.
“Yes, um, hi, Press Secretary Psaki. Can you tell me why Joe currently has his nose buried two inches into my bun?” asked a CNN reporter. “And to clarify, I have the utmost respect for you and for the president, may he live forever, so I’m not challenging you. I was just curious. Because I’m a little uncomfortable. But again, that’s probably just me!”
“Yes, great question. We’ll circle back to that,” Psaki said as Biden wandered around the room sniffing woman after woman. “Anyone else? Yes, great question. Joe Biden’s favorite Ninja Turtle is definitely Donatello. Everyone knows Don is the best. Haha. You guys are awesome! Great job, team!”
Psaki went on to answer questions about how Joe Biden likes his steaks done, what his favorite color is, and what he orders at Starbucks before closing up the press conference for the day.
Democrats Vote To Reinstate Trump As President So Impeachment Trial Is Constitutional
‘I’ve Been Shot!’ Screams AOC As Ted Cruz Greets Her With Set Of Friendly Finger Guns
GameStop Announces That Due To Skyrocketing Stock, They Can Now Afford To Pay Up To 25 Cents For Your Used Games
New SEC Rule: Wall Street Will Now Only Allow Traders Who Wear A Top Hat And Monocle And Carry Around Giant Bags Of Money
Bankrupted Hedge Fund Managers To Receive $600 Stimulus
EDITORS NOTE: This political satire column by The Babylon Bee is republished with permission. ©All rights reserved.

The Babylon Bee is proud to present Gavin Newsom’s next campaign ad!

Watch as Governor Newsom ends COVID lockdowns by joyfully shouting reopen to rows of abandoned, dilapidated buildings throughout California.

EDITORS NOTE: This political satire video by The Babylon Bee is republished with permission. ©All rights reserved. Head on over to our YouTube channel and subscribe. You (probably) won’t regret it!

Democrat States Follow The Science By Doing What Florida Did Back In May

U.S.—Democrat-run states are now calling on the nation to follow the science by doing what Florida did back in May, opening their economies with reasonable precautions and protections for the vulnerable.
The states are all now suggesting we begin reopening and that our economies cannot stay closed forever. They are calling this process “following the science,” though apparently they mean “follow what Republican states like Texas, Florida, and South Dakota did months ago.”
“We must follow the science by doing what Republican states did eight months ago,” said Governor Cuomo. “Now that Biden will be our president, it is time for the pandemic to end.”
D.C. Mayor Bowser agreed, saying, “The SCIENCE says we must reopen. We cannot kill every small business and restaurant in the city. Think about how a tanking economy would hurt President Biden.”
She also said, “We must catch that rascally plumber Mario!”
Governor Newsom isn’t quite on board yet, saying he will wait to follow the science and reopen until Kamala Harris is president.
‘Skynet Is A Private Company, They Can Do What They Want,’ Says Man Getting Curb-Stomped By Terminator
BLM Celebrates MLK’s Birthday By Tearing Down A Statue Of Him
Most Popular President In History To Be Inaugurated In Secret Behind Giant Wall Guarded By Thousands Of Soldiers
Evangelical Prophets Clarify That Trump’s Second Term Will Be Spiritual, Not Literal
Depressed Brian Stelter Spends All Day Hitting Refresh On Trump’s Twitter Page

EDITORS NOTE: This political satire column by The Babylon Bee is republished with permission. ©All rights reserved.

Miracle: CNN COVID Death Counter Begins Counting Backward

U.S.—In what can only be described as a huge win for the Biden Administration’s COVID plan, CNN revealed this week that the total number of COVID deaths is actually going down.
“This is really, uh, quite something,” said CNN anchor John King as the infamous COVID death counter rapidly ticked downward behind him. “Only a few days into the Biden presidency, and total deaths are already decreasing! We’re not sure if it’s Biden’s brilliant mask mandate or his flawless vaccine delivery execution, but people across the country seem to be rising from their graves at a rapid pace– over 200,000 just yesterday.”
CNN executives are currently considering announcing the end of the COVID crisis in America. “At this point, I think we have better things to talk about,” said CNN President Jeff Zucker. “Now that empathy and competence have returned to the White House, there’s nothing really to report here anymore.”
CNN has announced they will be pulling their COVID field reporters to cover the Biden family dogs and Jill Biden’s exquisite wardrobe.
Biden Grants Citizenship To Everyone Who Voted For Him
Biden Tells Freezing Troops Sleeping In Garages To Be Patient Until He Can Get Them Shipped To Iraq
Devil Requests Stimulus Funds To Widen The Road To Hell To Meet Increased Demand
Texas Governor Orders New Arrivals From California To Quarantine For 30 Years
Biden Suspected Of Wearing Earpiece After He Screams ‘THERE IS A MAN SPEAKING INSIDE MY HEAD!!’
Man Desperately Searches Bible For That Verse Where Jesus Commands Christians To Be On The Right Side Of History
EDITORS NOTE: This political satire column by The Babylon Bee is republished with permission. ©All rights reserved. Launched. Every Red State Should Launch Their Own ‘Defend’ Website!

“THESE are the times that try men’s souls. The summer soldier and the sunshine patriot will, in this crisis, shrink from the service of their country; but he that stands by it now, deserves the love and thanks of man and woman.” – Thomas Paine.

There is a new website in Florida with the mission to defend the Sunshine state from the onslaught of Washington, D.C. in an email to its members states:

Florida and its great citizens, as well as the 49 other states in our union, are facing immediate dangers from the unconstitutional Federal Government overreach through national mandates and threats to state’s sovereign rights under the constitution. Floridians lack the necessary understanding of their constitutional rights under the Florida state and US constitutions. It is incumbent upon We the People to gain this critical knowledge if we are to hold our representatives accountable. Many of our representatives have failed to represent OUR interests properly. Those who fail to do their job should be removed and replaced with representatives who will accurately represent our interests. We do not advocate violence. We want to use all our constitutional rights to work within the law to effect change and defend Florida.
DEFEND FLORIDA is a state-wide, citizen-driven movement designed to protect Florida and Floridians from Federal government overreach.
DEFEND FLORIDA has created a powerful approach to mitigate Washington’s damage to our businesses, houses of worship and our basic civil rights. Working with Representatives in our State House and Senate, we are crafting a legislative “firewall” to interpose and protect Florida.
DEFEND FLORIDA is educating the citizenry on the United States Constitution and the Florida State Constitution in addition to giving them the tools necessary to exercise their constitutional rights.
DEFEND FLORIDA is recruiting and training citizens to become versed in local elected bodies at the county and city levels to provide citizen oversight for those bodies.
DEFEND FLORIDA is recruiting, training and supporting candidates to run for state and local offices who will defend the freedoms and rights of We the People.

  • We are currently assembling our team leaders in each county in the state of Florida.
  • If you are the leader a grassroots group and wish to take a leadership role for your county, please respond to this email. We will have a meeting of those leaders later this week.
  • If you wish to head up a committee or serve on a committee. Please give us some time to get the leadership team for your county in place and the committee chair will contact you based on the interests you indicated on your response form.
  • If you know of a grassroots leader who would be perfect for our leadership team, please forward this email to them and we will get them onboard for the meeting later this week.

Again, thank you for stepping up and joining We the People. God Bless You, God Bless Florida and God Bless the United States of America,


Phone: (877) 742-8534


Get Involved: Text Defend to 474747

Study Finds Most Americans Support Making Wall Around Capitol Permanent To Keep Politicians In

WASHINGTON, D.C.—Authorities in D.C. have erected a large 12-foot fence around the Capitol, which will be guarded by thousands of soldiers. A study has found that the majority of Americans support making the wall around the Capitol permanent to keep the politicians corralled in there.
In spite of the precautions, many Americans are worried that still may not be enough to keep the politicians confined safely inside or prevent them from interfering in everyone’s lives.
“I would feel much better knowing that all the politicians are safely locked away in the Capitol building where they can’t bother anyone,” said local citizen Bart McNally, “but is the fence really enough? Sure, it may be hard to climb over it, but what’s gonna stop one of them from slithering underneath it like a little lizard?”
Many citizens across the country are proposing greater safety measures to ensure none of the slimy swamp creatures are able to escape. Suggestions include drone patrols, electrified razor wire, and 50-foot solid concrete walls with giant steel doors that lock from the outside.
“We can’t be too careful,” said McNally. “If even one of them manages to escape, the destruction could be catastrophic.”
Biden To Be Sworn In On Copy Of The Communist Manifesto
Trump Criticized For Loudly Denouncing Incoming Administration And Not Just Spying On Them Like A Normal President
Trump Pardons The Coronavirus
12 Children’s Shows That Blatantly Promote White Supremacy
Satan Confirms Hell Is Just House Full Of Smoke Detectors But You Can Never Figure Out Which One Is Beeping
EDITORS NOTE: This political satire column by The Babylon Bee is republished with permission. ©All rights reserved.

Glossary of Racial Euphemisms

Below are ubiquitous words parroted by the media, academia, industry, and government that doesn’t mean what you might think they mean.  Following each word is its true meaning.

Race:  A social construct that has no basis in genetics but has been used historically to divide people for political purposes and is used today for the same purposes under the guise of diversity and social justice.

Diversity:  The force-fitting of hundreds of ethnicities, religions, cultures, and nationalities into a handful of catchall racial categories, such as White, African-American, Hispanic, Asian, Pacific-Islander, and Native-American, thus erasing their individuality and uniqueness in the name of diversity.

Minorities:  All Americans except for those in the White category, because when the hundred or so ethnic minorities in the White category are lumped together, they magically become a numeric majority, even if they have little in common—as, for example, the virtually nonexistent commonality between my poor, Catholic grandparents and such uber-wealthy WASPs as Scotsman Andrew Carnegie, Baptist John D. Rockefeller, Dutchman Cornelius Vanderbilt, and Episcopalian J.P. Morgan, whose blue-blooded descendants, in turn, have virtually nothing in common with me, either socially, politically, or financially.

Inclusion:  The exclusion of whites from diversity initiatives, except for whites with Spanish surnames.

Social Justice:  Because WASPs held political and economic power for centuries and discriminated against Blacks, Mexicans, Indians, the Chinese, Mormons, Jews, Catholics, and Southern Europeans, non-WASP whites should pay for the sins of WASPs while leaving the descendants of WASPs in power in government, media, industry, and the Ivy League, where they engage in virtue-signaling about social justice and laugh at the gullibility of the masses beneath them.

Racism:  Believing that a given race is genetically inferior in some way, which, it is said, is how all whites see other races because all whites are genetically evil.

Racist:  1) An apt description of all white people because whites are the only people in 200,000 years of human history to have engaged in genocide, slavery, discrimination, and other forms of racism; 2) a word that can be used to silence those with different opinions.

Disadvantaged:  The socioeconomic status of all non-whites, including wealthy, well-educated immigrants from India’s upper caste, as well as wealthy Hispanics who come from the Spanish aristocracy of Latin America.

Advantaged:  The socioeconomic status of all whites, including descendants of sharecroppers, impoverished Appalachians, the homeless with drug and mental problems, and the residents of decrepit double-wides in deindustrialized towns.

Privileged:  See “Advantaged” above.

Humanism, Capitalism and the Enlightenment:  Moral and economic philosophies used by whites to subjugate non-whites.

Marxism:  A completely fair and just economic and political system that is an antidote to the above.

Two-Parent Families:  A bourgeois social construct formerly employed by whites to achieve socioeconomic advantages and now selfishly adopted by certain Asian groups to rise above all the other groups in household income and education.

Multiculturalism:  A belief that all cultures are superior to the white culture, including cultures that stone gays to death, treat women as property, and decapitate heretics.

Wokes:  1) Those who have been taught in college to parrot euphemisms and cliches instead of being taught history; 2) those who hate themselves for being white; and 3) those who engage in meaningless virtue-signaling.


Smoke Signal For ‘RIGGED ELECTION!’ Seen Rising From White House Lawn

U.S.—With Trump cut off from his primary means of communication on Twitter, he has been forced to find creative ways to communicate with his supporters. Yesterday, people in D.C. reported seeing a column of black smoke rising from the white house lawn in a distinctive Morse code pattern. The pattern was later translated to mean “RIGGED ELECTION!”
“Trump is a man of the people, and nothing will stop him from talking to them,” said Press Secretary Kayleigh Mcenany in a statement written on a paper towel with a marker and delivered via carrier pigeon. “He continues to believe this election was unfair and will continue to bring that message to th—” The message ended abruptly, seemingly because the Press Secretary had run out of space on the paper towel.
Elders from the Cherokee Nation forcefully condemned Trump’s communication method as an egregious act of cultural appropriation. National Guard troops were then dispatched to confiscate Trump’s firewood and wet horse blanket and silence the President once again.
Not to be deterred, Trump has announced he will be hiring thousands of town criers to walk through towns across America shouting “RIGGED ELECTION!”
Trump Supporter Hilly Rae Clintock Suspected Of Inciting Riot At Capitol
New Evidence Suggests Rioter Was Actually Trump Supporter Disguised As Antifa Disguised As Trump Supporter
Ominous Sign For Joe: Presidential Restroom Replaced With Female Restroom
Least Masculine Society In Human History Decides Masculinity Is A Growing Threat
EDITORS NOTE: This political satire column by The Babylon Bee is republished with permission. ©All rights reserved.

Biden Unveils Skin Color Chart To Determine Who Gets Federal Aid

WILMINGTON, DE—President-elect Joe Biden gave a press briefing from the basement of his Wilmington mansion announcing that his incoming administration will be utilizing an innovative skin color chart to determine who is the priority in receiving their share of the $900 billion federal coronavirus aid package recently passed by Congress.

“Our priority will be black, Latino, Asian, and Native American-owned small businesses, women-owned businesses,” Biden informed the nation. “We are sending out a new color chart to all agencies involved to make sure there is no malarkey with white males and those with melanin deficiencies cutting in from where we are placing them at the back of the line.”
Experts praised the administration’s new color chart as being very unambiguous, black-and-white even, on who the government was going to help and not help.
“This is a real progressive reform in the way a government receives money from some people to help certain other people based entirely on melanin,” said Kristen Clarke, Biden’s nominee to lead the Department Of Justice and all-around expert in genetics. “Melanin endows black people with greater mental, physical, and spiritual abilities, so it is only right that they get government aid first.”
At publishing time, Biden was seen sniffing people while trying the new skin color chart to see if people smell better or worse based on melanin too.
Trump Praised For Accepting Election Results 4 Years Quicker Than Hillary Clinton Did
Democrats Declare Unity Mandatory
Ron Paul Banned From Facebook For Inciting Dangerous Levels Of Liberty
Trump Orders Flags Lowered To Half-Staff Over Loss Of His Twitter Account
Conservative Mental Health Up 300% After They All Get Banned From Twitter
EDITORS NOTE: This political satire column by The Babylon Bee is republished with permission. ©All rights reserved.

Amazon Banned From Amazon Servers For Selling Trump’s Art Of The Deal

SEATTLE, WA—In a devastating move to the multi-billion dollar company Amazon, the entire Amazon website has been kicked off Amazon Web Services. This happened after it was found that was selling President Donald Trump’s book The Art of the Deal, a book that financially contributes to the menace Donald Trump while also causing people to think like the deranged maniac.

“Our policies are very clear,” said Steve, an admin for AWS who made the decisions. “They’re on a webpage somewhere, and they say something like, ‘Don’t do bad stuff.’ So we had no choice but to kick that website off of AWS until they stop being bad.”

Amazon founder Jeff Bezos denounced the decision. “Huh?” he said, quickly adding, “Wait… what just happened?”

The ban is likely to have a huge, deleterious effect to, as it’s unlikely to find servers big enough to host the world’s biggest commerce site anytime soon. As for the impetus of the ban, President Trump is said to be isolated and alone in the Oval Office, his almost complete internet ban meaning he has no electronics to play with except the nuclear launch button.

Critics are saying this is censorship, while opponents of the move are just saying Amazon should build their own web servers.

EDITORS NOTE: This political satire column by The Babylon Bee is republished with permission. ©All rights reserved.

‘Let’s All Remain Peaceful,’ Says Trump In Clear Incitement To Violence

WASHINGTON, D.C.—A review of Trump’s statements last week made it clear that he was inciting violence, as he very clearly told people to “remain peaceful” and not carry out any violence.
The dangerous cult leader encouraged his followers to protest at the Capitol, but to remain peaceful, which is an obvious instance of inciting violence, according to leading language experts and journalists.
“Let’s all remain peaceful,” he said, which clearly meant, “Go burn down the Capitol Building.”
“No violence!” added the deranged lunatic, which, according to the New York Times, was a dog whistle for “Minions, attack!”
“Go home,” he added, which meant, “Keep pressing the attack! We will not be defeated! Blow stuff up!”
At publishing time, Trump had said, “I’ve always encouraged peaceful protesting,” which meant he wanted his followers to go ransack an Arby’s.
Amazon Banned From Amazon Servers For Selling Trump’s Art Of The Deal
Trump Hides Nuclear Codes In Bible Where Pelosi Will Never Find Them
After Capitol Riots, Sesame Street Pulls All Episodes Featuring The Letter ‘Q’
Evil Fascist Dictator Censored And Voted Out Of Office
FBI Finds Buffalo Guy Grazing At Yellowstone Park
In Devastating Blow, Trump Banned From Sun Tan City
EDITORS NOTE: This political satire column by The Babylon Bee is republished with permission. ©All rights reserved.

Congress Upset As They’re The Only Criminals Allowed In The Capitol

WASHINGTON, D.C.—Congress people from both parties condemned the attack on the Capitol that occurred Wednesday, pointing out that they’re the only criminals allowed in the building.
Capitol police removed the unauthorized criminals from the Capitol Building, allowing the officially voted-in criminals to resume operations.
“We would like to remind Americans that we are the only looters allowed in here,” said Nancy Pelosi after order was restored to the House. “Remember, you must show your official congressperson identification to prove you’re an approved looter to get in here. Unauthorized looters will be removed from Capitol grounds.”
“Now, who wants to start some foreign wars?”
After the violent criminals and looters had left the building, Congress resumed voting on acts to inflate our currency, steal more money from Americans, and continue aggression against foreign countries for no reason.
Trump Sneaks Back On Twitter By Disguising Self As PR Rep For Chinese Communist Party
Biden Says First Act As President Will Be To Impeach Trump
Antifa Accuses Trump Supporters Of Cultural Appropriation
Liberals Tell Everyone To Calm Down About The Siege Since The Capitol Has Insurance
EDITORS NOTE: This political satire column by The Babylon Bee is republished with permission. ©All rights reserved.

‘Everyone Stop Getting Angry Over This Illegally Stolen Election That Will End This Country,’ Says Trump Trying To Calm Things Down

WASHINGTON D.C.—As protesters against the Electoral College vote certification stormed the Capitol, President Donald Trump made a video message and posted it on social media to try to calm everyone down.
“Everyone stop getting angry over this illegally stolen election that will end this country,” Trump said in the video. “I know that the Democrats have stolen my landslide victory and plan to use that to end all freedom, but everyone needs to just calm down, go home, and await the gulags that will inevitably follow.”
While telling the destructive protesters to calm down about “the worst tragedy in American history,” Trump repeatedly called the protesters his “most precious and lovely people” and reiterated that he didn’t want anyone to be harmed over “stopping the complete and utter destruction of our country.”
Trump’s message of peace was banned from all social media for being “fighting words.” It’s unknown how Trump feels about all this, as apparently he doesn’t know how to release a public statement without Twitter.
Ignorant Republicans Riot And Don’t Even Get Any Big-Screen TVs
Trump Circumvents Twitter Ban With Emergency Alert System
CNN Gravely Reports On ‘First Violent Protest In Recent Memory’
Babylon Mom: Learn To Love Yourself, Even When Your Compulsive Shopping Threatens Your Family’s Finances
EDITORS NOTE: This political satire column by The Babylon Bee is republished with permission. ©All rights reserved

CCP Flag Flies Over Capitol Marking Democrat Control Of Presidency, House, And Senate

WASHINGTON D.C.—“Freedom is over!” Biden announced to the press as the red flag of the Chinese Communist Party flew over the Capitol, marking that the Democrats now have control of the presidency, Senate, and House.
“The Bill of Rights is gone,” Biden continued. “Free markets will end. Now that we have a slim majority in the House and Senate, liberty shall be destroyed! …As long as we can get Joe Manchin to agree.”
Democratic Representative Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez has submitted a number of designs for new gulags she drew in crayon, which will be for people who don’t announce their pronouns, and the designs are expected to pass the new Congress easily.
Some Democrats are concerned that the Supreme Court could stop their plans since the conservatives there interpret the Constitution as not allowing the government to destroy all freedom, but there are plans to pack the court with five hundred members of Antifa.
President Donald Trump assures everyone, though, that he actually won the presidency and Republicans did win the House and Senate and he’ll get that all cleared up in the next week or so.
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EDITORS NOTE: This political satire column by The Babylon Bee is republished with permission. ©All rights reserved.