It Snowed Last Night

At 8 o’clock this morning, I made a snowman. Then at…..

8:10 – A feminist passed by and asked me why I didn’t make a snow woman.

8:15 – So, I made a snow woman.

8:17 – My feminist neighbor complained about the snow woman’s voluptuous chest saying it objectified snow women everywhere.

8:20 – The gay couple living nearby threw a hissy fit and moaned it could have been two snow men instead.

8:22 – The transgender man, women…person asked why I didn’t just make one snow person with detachable parts.

8:25 – The vegans at the end of the lane complained about the carrot nose, as veggies are food and not to decorate snow figures with.

8:28 – I was being called a racist because the snow couple is white.

8:31 – The Middle Eastern gent across the road demanded the snow woman be covered up.

8:40 – The Police arrived saying someone had been offended.

8:42 – The feminist neighbor complained again that the broomstick of the snow woman needed to be removed because it depicted women in a domestic role.

8:43 – The City Council Equality Officer arrived and threatened me with eviction.

8:45 – A TV news crew from ABC showed up. I was asked if I know the difference between snowmen and snow-women? I replied “Snowballs” and am now called a sexist.

8:47 – Fauci showed up and complained because they were too close together and did not have masks on.

9:00 – I was on the News as a suspected terrorist, racist, homophobe sensibility offender, bent on stirring up trouble during difficult weather.

9:10 – I was asked if I have any accomplices. My children were taken by social services.

9:29 – Far left protesters offended by everything marched down the street demanding for me to be arrested.

9:30 – Antifa and BLM showed up with blowtorches and melted everything down.


There is no moral to this story. It is exactly what we have become….. all caused by Snowflakes.

Biden Promises Nationwide Mask Mandate And Womandate

WASHINGTON, D.C.—In light of recent events, Biden has updated his COVID plan to include not just a mask mandate, but a mask womandate as well. In a prepared statement given to his nurse and posted on Twitter, the completely legitimate and unquestioned president-elect apologized for the sexist language in his plan.
“Listen folks– we all make mistakes. I realized this morning that my COVID plan includes a mask mandate, but not a womandate. I have amended and also awomended my plan to include a mask womandate,” Biden read off his teleprompter. “We will also be adding a mask non-binarydate, a mask genderqueerdate, a mask two-spiritdate, a mask polygenderdate, and a mask non-binarytrans-speciesdate. More ‘dates’ will be arriving as we continue to do our research to make sure no one is left out.”
According to sources, the Biden transition team has grown alarmed at the number of times the word “men” appears in the English language. They have been working around the clock to replace all usages of the word “men” in their plan with the word “women.” Unfortunately, it was determined that the word “women” is also problematic, they then replaced the word “women” with “people who menstruate.”
“We have a long way to go,” said Biden, “but I know that in time we will mend our nation’s wounds– er, I mean, peoplewhomenstruated them.”
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EDITORS NOTE: This political satire column by The Babylon Bee is republished with permission. ©All rights reserved.

Biden Releases Controversial New Memoir ‘If I Rigged It’

WILMINGTON, DE—To commemorate the “completely fair and honest” 2020 election, Joe Biden has announced a brand new memoir called If I Rigged It. The book is already being met with critical acclaim for its compelling description of a totally hypothetical situation where Biden and the Democrats fraudulently steal the election.
“Listen here, Jack– I didn’t steal the election,” said Biden to a group of adoring fans in the press. “But if I had stolen the election, this is how I would have done it. It’s real simple, see? My new book will give you all the dirty details!”
“This book is a masterpiece,” said The New York Times. “Biden, who totally wrote this all by himself, draws the reader in with a compelling narrative of a totally hypothetical story. His prose is artful and engaging. The description of an effort to steal the 2020 election is way more believable and interesting than Trump’s baseless claims. In short, Biden is a genius.”
The book has soared to the top of the New York Times bestseller list in its first week since release. Experts predict it may become the best-selling book of 2021.
Critics have called the book “a highly suspicious work that reads more like an actual confession than a memoir.” Trusted media outlets, fact-checkers, and social media have all dismissed these criticisms as “baseless.”
If I Rigged It is currently being sold in hardcover for $29.99 and will be available at or wherever books are sold.
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EDITORS NOTE: This political satire column by The Babylon Bee is republished with permission. ©All rights reserved.

Reflections on Christmas 2020 and 1968

Whether they were atheist, Christian, Jewish, Muslim, Hindu, Confucian, or anything else, one of the most moving experiences of humanity was the message of the Apollo 8 astronauts on Christmas Eve, 1968, as they left lunar orbit and headed for the blue and white planet of Earth, which stood out in the blackness of space.

It is estimated that quarter of the world’s population heard the message live.

Frank Borman, Jim Lovell and Bill Anders took turns reading the first words of Genesis from the Bible. Historical photos of Mission Control in Houston show engineers in short-sleeve white shirts with tears in the eyes. Likewise, old films of scenes from around the world show people of all nationalities and races looking up at the sky in the same emotional state.

That could never have happened in 2020.

First, amazingly, when Borman had asked NASA what they should say on Christmas, officials responded that they should say something appropriate. It is unimaginable that they would’ve been given that much freedom today.

In 2020, the message would’ve been drafted by multiple committees at NASA, run past the agency’s office of diversity and inclusion, sent to the State Department for review, and from there to the White House for final revisions. After being chopped, diced and sanitized, the message would’ve been something like this:

Greetings from space. We look forward to returning to Earth to lead the fight for social justice, racial and gender equity, income equality, equal outcomes, and green energy—and as white men of European descent, to atone for slavery, colonialism, imperialism, capitalism, and fossil fuels. We pledge that astronauts on future lunar missions will be representative of all races, all ethnic groups, all genders, all sexual orientations, and all family arrangements.

We’re sorry to break it to our wives and children this way, but in that spirit of enlightenment, Frank has decided to become Francine, and Jim and Bill are going to marry each other—in a civil ceremony, of course. We hope to be chosen for the lunar landing and the planting of the United Nations flag on the moon.

With that message, tears of joy would be flowing down the cheeks of residents of San Francisco, Greenwich Village, Portland, and faculty lounges across the land.

Fifty-two years ago, all of the astronauts were white males, and almost all of Mission Control was the same. This was due to cultural norms at the time and to the GI Bill after WWII, which was a way of compensating returning soldiers for their years of service, by offering them a free college education. The bill had the unintended consequence of filling the engineering pipeline with males, to the exclusion of females.

Now, more women than men graduate from college, although not necessarily from engineering programs. And the number of African-Americans with college degrees has increased dramatically. As a result, in a positive development, if Apollo 8 took place today, Mission Control would not look like Mission Control of yesteryear.

For the men, crewcuts, pocket protectors, and slide rules would be out. Untucked shirts and scraggly beards would be in, except for those who wanted the androgynous look of android Mark Zuckerberg.

To make a statement about not wanting to be treated like sex objects, the women in Mission Control would be wearing tight yoga pants, revealing every nook and cranny of their Peloton bodies.

Woman and men, and everyone in between, in a display of their independent thinking and refusal to go along with fashion trends, would be sporting tattoos, piercings, and nose rings.

Instead of NASA’s parking lot being full of Chevy, Ford and Chrysler station wagons, it would be full of Teslas, Priuses, Subarus, and SUVs the size of the command module.

There has been lots of good news for the nation as a whole since 1968. For example, income has increased significantly from 1968, even for those at the bottom of society. In inflation-adjusted dollars, income for the bottom quintile of Americans has increased 45% over the last 52 years.

There has been lots of bad news, also. Paradoxically, for example, the percent of single-parent families has more than doubled since 1968; the suicide rate has increased 35% over the last 20 years; deaths from drug overdoses are at a record high; less than a third of Americans now say that most people can be trusted, versus the half of Americans who said that in the early 1970s; racial tensions and political divisiveness are as high as they were in 1968; record numbers of homeless are being left to live and die on city streets, and China, where COVID-19 was hatched, is demonstrating that its brand of authoritarianism and its anti-diversity policies just might prevail over America’s liberal democracy and diversity.

If current trends continue, future astronauts will be reading from Mao’s Little Red Book on Christmas Eve.

That will bring tears of joy to the residents of San Francisco, Greenwich Village, Portland, and faculty lounges across the land.

Government Accidentally Shuts Itself Down With Ban On Non-Essential Businesses

WASHINGTON, D.C.—Congress has asked all non-essential businesses to limit their hours or close entirely for an undetermined amount of time.
But this shutdown mistakenly shut down the most non-essential entity of all: the government. For a brief period of time, all government in the United States was illegal, since it is completely non-essential to everything.
“Oops,” said Senator Mitch McConnell. “We meant non-essential private businesses. Of course, the government is always essential, even when it’s not doing anything or is making things worse.”
Senators, congress people, and bureaucrats frantically rewrote the ban to include only businesses that actually produced something and not government agencies that just watched other people make stuff. Though they had dragged their feet on passing bills related to relieving the financial distress of the shutdown, they passed this revision in record speed, almost as quickly as they vote for pay raises for themselves.
Speaker of the House Nancy Pelosi said she would have caught the mistake but had passed the ban in a hurry, saying, “We had to pass the ban to see what it did.”
EDITORS NOTE: This political satire column by The Babylon Bee is republished with permission. ©All rights reserved.

Gun Stores Overwhelmed By People Returning $600 Guns For $2000 Guns

U.S.—Many Americans, in anticipation of a $600 government-issued stimulus check, have treated themselves to a brand new gun. Now that President Trump is calling instead for $2000 checks, gun stores are struggling to keep up with customers returning their $600 guns and purchasing $2000 guns.

“I sure am glad I kept the receipt!” exclaimed local gun enthusiast Anthony Harb upgrading his firearm. “It’s time to treat myself to something truly special!”
The bill was originally intended to provide relief for those out of work and affected by the ongoing pandemic, but after the U.S. paid hundreds of millions to other countries, $2000 per American was all that was left. Since $2000 is not enough to cover 8 months of rent or other necessities, many Americans have decided that one thing they can afford is protection from the bloated and power-hungry Federal Government.
Several gun stores across the country have already issued statements that they are sold out of all guns at the $2000 price point. Buds Gun Shop & Range in Tennessee has even called for no returns on $600 guns, suggesting customers buy multiple guns instead.
“We may not know what the future holds, but at least now I won’t have to face it without my Daniel Defense M4V11,” added Mr. Harb at checkout.
At publishing time, despite no arrival of stimulus checks, President Donald J. Trump had already been named gun salesman of the year.
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EDITORS NOTE: This political satire column by The Babylon Bee is republished with permission. ©All rights reserved.

CDC: People With Dirt On Clintons Have 843% Greater Risk Of Suicide

ATLANTA, GA – According to a report from the Centers for Disease Control released on Thursday, people with inside, compromising knowledge of Bill and Hillary Clinton’s financial and political dealings are 843% more likely to commit suicide.
“We’ve never seen a single risk factor cause a spike of this magnitude,” a CDC spokesperson told reporters. “Interestingly, in spite of their increased suicide risk, people with dirt on the Clintons rarely show any warning signs of suicide, and they never leave a suicide note.”
Remarking about how abnormal it is, the spokesman again stressed the significance of the data.
“Therefore, we advise any American with detrimental information about Bill Clinton, Hillary Clinton, or the Clinton Foundation to forget about it as quickly as possible to avoid a greatly increased probability of taking your own life,” he cautioned.
“And—I swear—that’s all we know.”
EDITORS NOTE: This political satire column by The Babylon Bee is republished with permission. ©All rights reserved.

With Statues Gone, Pigeons Forced To Poop On Rioters

U.S.—With more and more statues across the country being pulled down, pigeons are being forced to redirect their payloads to different targets.
As soon as statues are pulled down, the pigeons turn toward the nearest available target: angry rioters.
“Yes! Down with racism–AHHHHH!!!!” screamed one rioter just after pulling down a statue of Christopher Columbus. The pigeons immediately turned on him, with a squadron of the birds divebombing him to unload hundreds of pounds worth of excrement. “Run!!!”
Rioters frantically tried to put the statues back up as they were attacked by the feral flocks. “Put Christopher back! Quick!” cried one Antifa group as they were swarmed by a whole fleet of pigeon bombers. But try as they might, their weak liberal arms could not lift the statue and they were forced to flee the scene.
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EDITORS NOTE: This political satire column by The Babylon Bee is republished with permission. ©All rights reserved.

Cracker Jack Changes Name To More Politically Correct Caucasian Jack

PLANO, TX—When ballparks finally open again, those standing for the traditional seventh-inning stretch will be singing some different lyrics to “Take Me Out to the Ballgame.”
After over 100 years of selling its caramel popcorn snack under the name Cracker Jack, Frito-Lay announced today that it would be rebranded as the less offensive “Caucasian Jack.”
“We are very sorry to all the crack—er, I mean, Caucasians we have hurt over the years,” said a spokesperson. “Cracker is an offensive stereotype, and we must make sure that all foods and snack products are culturally sensitive. Think about all the white people who have had to suffer in silence as tens of thousands of baseball fans sang out the hurtful lyrics ‘Buy me some peanuts and Cracker Jacks.'”
“No more. The bigotry stops today.”
The move was applauded by hurt white people, though they are still criticizing Frito-Lay for how pale and pasty-white the Cracker Jack guy is on the logo.
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EDITORS NOTE: This political satire column by The Babylon Bee is republished with permission. ©All rights reserved.


Former Senator, Vice President and the new President-Elect Joe Biden has called on America to stand for “civility and national healing.”

In a national address, the candidate squinted into the teleprompter and spread his signature chop gesture across the lectern.

“I am the only candidate who can interest the press in healing the fissures which divide America,” he mumbled through his surgical mask.

“After all the impeachment proceedings, the spying on the Trump campaign, the purchase of Russian disinformation, racial agitation, doxing of conservatives and widespread arson and rioting, I am the only one who can heal the nation, because I am the Democratic Party,” he stated.

“From the start of the Orange Man Administration, we have had to put up with chaos – the boycott of the inauguration, the pussy march, riots and the never-ending resistance. I will bring less chaos to the nation, as will my political allies – the militant feminists, Antifa and Black Lives Matter.”

“Trump was a clown, the worst President ever, Putin’s puppy”, he said. “The man was disrespectful to the office of the President.”

In terms of Presidential image, he invited the public just to look at the two families. “Look at his kids, and look and my kids, and I think that says it all.”

“If this were high school, I would like to take him out back and beat the crap out of him,” he stated. “I am sure you feel the same.”

“I’ve had just about enough of his insensitivity.”

Biden widened his charge by including Trump supporters, the ugly people, the deplorables, the smelly Walmart shoppers who are white nationalists and misogynists.

“Only by dividing the country into groups, racial and sexual through diversity training, can we bring society back together and heal the wound caused by division,” he intoned.

Biden further claimed that as a 47-year political operative he knows how to use the language of Washington that will neither offend the press nor inform the people.

“Platitudes are what the country needs right now.”

“C’mon man, getting peace and harmony between people is difficult enough without having a large percentage of the population who are the dregs of society.”

As to the suggestion by some Progressives that Trump supporters be put in political re-education camps, Mr. Biden says he was not in favor of that.

“Look, the public schools are already doing that but they crowded enough. Putting Trump supporters back in government schools would simply tilt the teacher to student ratio in an unfavorable direction and the teacher’s unions won’t like it.”

“Its impractical to deal with deplorables in this way”, he stated. “The re-education is best done by TV shows, movies and the social media monopolies.”

The putative new President concluded, “the only way forward to bring the country together is for those contrary opinions to be suppressed on-line, in the schools and universities and in the media. If we can get back to having one opinion in this country, like we did in the era of Cronkite, then divisions will disappear.”

Hunter and Joe, Plutocrats and Hypocrites Extraordinaire

It’s hard to believe, but they even surpass Republicrats and Republicrites in phoniness and laughing at the hoi polloi.

The Wall Street journal recently ran a 2,420 word essay that details the sordid international dealings of Joe Biden’s son Hunter and Joe’s brother, James Biden.

Unfortunately, the article is 2,420 words too long for the tweet generation, which constantly demonstrates the inverse relationship between the time spent on social media and the understanding of complex socioeconomic issues and history.

The article doesn’t say this, but it’s ludicrous to believe that Joe didn’t know anything about the sordid dealings of his son and brother. When Hunter was traveling back and forth to China and the Ukraine, Joe couldn’t have possibly thought that his son was going to China to pick up a carryout order of Kung Pao chicken, and to the Ukraine to buy a bushel of wheat.

The Biden family hypocrisy is extreme, because it runs completely counter to the blather of the Democrat Party about white privilege, income inequality, inherited wealth, and the political power of Wall Street. At least with Trump, every American with an IQ above 80 understood what he was: a flimflam man, a shady businessman, and the host of an inane TV series. Given that he operated in the cesspool of New York real estate, New Jersey gaming, and network TV, how could he be otherwise?

The hypocrisy began with Hunter going to Yale University. No doubt, he got extra admission points because of his last name, just as Ted Kennedy got extra admission points at Harvard due to his last name. This from universities and a political party that espouse diversity and rail against white privilege.

The hypocrisy continued with Hunter working for a Wall Street investment firm that sought investments from oligarchs in China and Russia. Stated differently, someone from the top 1% in America hobnobbed with the top 1% in a communist country and a former communist country.

An acceleration of the hypocrisy occurred with Hunter getting into a financial bed with a Chinese oil and gas tycoon. Hunter must’ve performed very well in bed, for the tycoon gave him a 2.8-carat diamond and gave $5 million to Hunter’s law firm. At the same time, daddy Joe and other leading Democrats were spouting pieties about global warming and slamming the fossil fuel industry.

There are other hypocrisies, but the biggest of all was Hunter trading on his family name. It’s the hypocrisy that should compel Americans to storm the Imperial City in D.C.

Why was it hypocritical to trade on the family name? Because Joe, Hillary, the Cuomo clan, and other two-faced Democrats rail against inherited wealth and favor steep inheritance taxes while making sure that their kids get something more valuable than money: the connections, networks, and influence bequeathed to them through the family name.

This was worth $50,000 a month to Hunter in the Ukraine alone, not counting all the other investment returns accruing from his last name. (For comparison, the median per-capita annual income in the USA is $56,490)

Then there is the popular tax dodge of plutocrats on the left and right: establishing a nonprofit foundation and making their kids officers in the sham charity. The kids get a comfortable salary, invaluable prestige and influence, expense-paid travel and accommodations, and invitations to sit on other boards.

Contrast that with some schlemiel of a plumber without political power but with other people’s excrement on his hands and clothes works. He works ungodly hours to build a plumbing business, with the goal of leaving it to his kids so that they can climb higher in society than he did. But politicians favoring a steep inheritance tax think it is unfair for Joe Palooka to pass on his business. At the same time, in a case of cognitive dissonance or just an ugly double standard, they don’t hesitate in passing on power, prestige, influence and connections to their kids.

The good news is that the plutocrats will be overturned someday. The bad news is that socialists will do the overturning.

Man Who Has Been In Government For Nearly 50 Years Promises To Fix Government

U.S.—According to sources at the DNC, Joe Biden, a man who has been part of government since before Jaws, Star Wars, the Walkman, the NES, and the publishing of The Silmarillion, is just the man for the difficult task of fixing the government.
“This man who has been part of the broken system since 1972 is our last hope to fix the broken system,” said a DNC spokesperson. “See, since he’s been part of the problem for so long, only he knows how bad the problem is. So only he can fix it. If you got some outsider with, like, morals and stuff, they would be too horrified to even go to Washington in the first place.”
“No, we need someone who’s been part of the swamp and has participated in much injustice, oppression, and bloodshed to fix the whole thing from the ground up.”
He also has a cop helping him out, sources confirmed at publishing time.
EDITORS NOTE: This political satire column by The Babylon Bee is republished with permission. ©All rights reserved.

Pelosi Announces Every $600 Check Will Come With Free Slice Of Cake

WASHINGTON, D.C.—Nancy Pelosi has announced that every $600 stimulus check will come with a free slice of cake for Americans to eat.
She made the announcement in a speech yesterday after the stimulus bill was criticized for not doing enough for the middle class. The amendment to the $900 billion stimulus bill, coupled with the reasonable $2.3 trillion spending bill for the federal government, means that in addition to getting $600 created out of thin air, each American will get a slice of chocolate cake.
“Americans have been suffering, so we need to let them eat cake,” she said in front of Congress yesterday. “We closed down their businesses for the past nine months, so it’s the least we can do. Really. I do mean that. The least.”
Congress considered ice cream for every America, but Pelosi vetoed it as it was too expensive to give every American a $13 quart of the brand she eats. There was also talk of giving the option of vanilla cake, but that was shot down as being racist.
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EDITORS NOTE: This political satire column by The Babylon Bee is republished with permission. All rights reserved.

Congress Finally Reaches Stimulus Agreement: Every American Will Receive A Coupon For $5 Off At Applebee’s

WASHINGTON, D.C.—In a historic compromise, the Senate and U.S. House of Representatives have finally settled on a stimulus package for Americans struggling and out of work. In addition to bailouts, money for pet projects, and payouts to unions, Congress has authorized a very special $5 off coupon to Applebee’s.
“We are proud to have come together for the American people,” said House Speaker Nancy Pelosi. “I am told that all those ditch diggers and plumbers in the Midwest are crazy about Applebee’s! Won’t this hit the spot after a long day of doing whatever it is you people do for a living? You’re welcome!”
Some critics of the plan have suggested that giving Americans a coupon after forcing them to shut down their businesses for 9 months feels like a slap in the face. In response, Representative AOC said: “Well, we wanted the stimulus payments to be eleventy-billion dollars for every person, but the evil Republicans didn’t allow it!”
According to AOC, there is a silver lining in spite of the disappointing legislation. “This is a great opportunity for Americans to try sex work!” she said. “Who needs a small business when you can just open an OnlyFans account?”
In a press release, Applebee’s thanked the Government for its support. “We are looking forward to serving all Americans at our fine dining establishments! Please note that the promotion expires on January 20th and we can only allow 3 patrons in our dining rooms at all times. We’ll see you soon!”
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EDITORS NOTE: This political satire column by The Babylon Bee is republished with permission. ©All rights reserved.

Mandalorian Bounty Hunter Criticized As Anti-Science For Removing Mask

MORAK—A Mandalorian bounty hunter has taken some flak online after footage revealed he took off his mask while on the jungle planet Morak this past week.
The surfaced footage showed the bounty hunter taking off his mask while in close proximity to Imperial officers and his colleagues, in a poorly ventilated, indoor dining area. He took off his mask while walking to his table, too, clearly showing his anti-science stance. Had he taken it off only while seated and eating, no one would have taken issue with it.
“We must cancel the Mando, as he’s clearly anti-science,” said an Imperial officer reviewing the footage. “The science shows we must all wear masks all the time. Take Stormtroopers for instance. The helmets obviously don’t provide any protection from blaster rifles, but we’d rather be safe than sorry. It’s just a very simple way to love your neighbor.”
The far-right religious Mandalorian sect also criticized the bounty hunter, but apparently for religious reasons rather than medical ones, saying, “This is NOT the way” and “Masks are part of our religion.”
EDITORS NOTE: This political satire column by The Babylon Bee is republished with permission. ©All rights reserved.

In Blow To Biden Transition, Trump Reveals He Has Obtained The Darksaber

WASHINGTON, DC—In a shocking upset, President Trump brought Biden’s transition to a screeching halt after revealing he has obtained the legendary Darksaber. According to lore, the Darksaber gives Trump all rights of kingship over America, which can only be taken from him through ritual combat.
“This is it. Democracy is over,” wept Brian Stelter during a segment of his smash-hit news show Reliable Sources. “Is there no one with the courage to step up and face this evil monster and his awesome lightsaber? I would face Trump, but I have to wash my hair tonight, otherwise, I would totally fight him.”
According to legend, the Darksaber was crafted by President George Washington at the dawn of America’s founding. In unearthed writings from the founding father, he said: “We used the saber to unify the people and strike down those who would oppose us. I drove out the redcoats and smote their ruin upon the battlefield wielding this blade. Anyone who wields it shall be automatically president forever until a worthy challenger can take it from him.”
“I’ll take that dumb sword away from him!” exclaimed Biden. “I defeated Corn Pop and I can defeat this clown!” Biden leapt from his easy chair to get his shoes on, but he tripped on the little wood transition between the carpet and the kitchen floor and broke his hip.
Trump has vowed to retain the Darksaber until he is ready to pass it down to America’s next king, Donald Trump Jr.
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EDITORS NOTE: This political satire column by The Babylon Bee is republished with permission. ©All rights reserved.

Buttigieg Defends Transportation Credentials By Revealing He Has Played Tons Of Mario Kart 64

SOUTH BEND, IN—Pete Buttigieg has come under fire for what many are calling a lack of credentials to be our nation’s Secretary of Transportation. But Buttigieg defended himself, pointing out that he has played tons of Mario Kart 64, making him an expert in the field.
“You don’t think I know roads? Try Rainbow Road,” he said indignantly. “I’ve spun out around corners thanks to a well-placed banana peel. I’ve fired off a blue shell on
Choco Mountain at just the right time, sending my foes careening to their doom. I’ve seen things you people wouldn’t believe: green shells bouncing off guard rails and hitting Peach in the face. Red shells firing off into the blue waters of Koopa Troopa Beach. Noobs smashing into the moles of Moo Moo Farm.”
“Am I qualified? Yes. I’d say I am.”
When critics pointed out that playing a video game with a tenuous connection to transportation doesn’t make him an expert, he had the perfect comeback, retorting, “Did I mention I am a gay man?”
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EDITORS NOTE: This political satire column by The Babylon Bee is republished with permission. ©All rights reserved.

We infiltrated Antifa, and Found all They Needed was a Dad

We sent our cartoon reporter into the heart of Antifa. What happened next is touching.
Antifa: Anti-friend or Anti-foe? Let’s anti-find out, as BNN reporter Guy Curtis goes deep undercover to find out who the real Antifa is. Are they violent criminals with no hope of rehabilitation, or do they just need a dad?

EDITORS NOTE: This political satire video by The Babylon Bee is republished with permission. ©All rights reserved.

Careless Republican Senator Immediately Struck Blind For Referring To Biden As President-Elect

WASHINGTON D.C.—Fear spread among Republicans as Senate Majority Leader Mitch McConnell was immediately struck blind upon referring to Joe Biden as “President-elect.”

In reaction to the Electoral College vote, McConnell said on the floor of the Senate, “Today, I want to congratulate President-elect Joe Biden.” Right after he said it, McConnell yelled, “Ahh! I can’t see!” Most Republicans took this as punishment for McConnell’s faithlessness in the true presidential election winner, President Trump, and no other Republican followed suit in referring to Biden as the winner.

“It surely is an act of God!” exclaimed Senator Marco Rubio, but reportedly at the same time that McConnell was struck blind, some witnesses saw Trump running by, yelling, “You think Biden won? Have some eye acid!”

Many say McConnell will be able to restore his sight by referring to the election as the “Big Steal” and proclaiming that Trump won in a landslide. Others say he’ll need some sort of eyewash.

In a somewhat similar incident, Representative Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez thought she was struck blind for engaging in capitalism by selling merchandise on her website, but it turns out that she just had a bucket stuck on her head.

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EDITORS NOTE: This political satire column by The Babylon Bee is republished with permission. ©All rights reserved.

Abraham Lincoln To Be Removed From Penny, Replaced With BLM Fist

WASHINGTON, D.C.—Joe Biden’s Treasury Secretary-designee Janet Yellen has announced plans to remove Abraham Lincoln from the penny and replace the racist, anti-BLM president with the Black Lives Matter fist.
Starting next year, all pennies will have the racist president scrubbed from existence and replaced with the much less racist symbol of the far-left movement.
“Abraham Lincoln never once said the words ‘Black Lives Matter,’ and so must be canceled,” Yellen said. “As my first act in office, I will demand he be removed from the penny, the five-dollar bill, and anywhere else his racist presence rears its ugly, hatted head.”
“Yes, he freed the slaves — but he didn’t raise his fist and say ‘Black Lives Matter!’ while he did it. Cancel this man.”
The Lincoln Memorial will be plowed down and replaced with a statue of Karl Marx, who was in no way racist and definitely would have said Black Lives Matter if he knew more black people, sources confirmed.
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EDITORS NOTE: This political satire by The Babylon Bee is republished with permission. ©All rights reserved.