United Airlines Kicks 2-Year-Old Off Flight For Refusing To Say ‘Black Lives Matter’

U.S.—United Airlines came under fire this week after forcefully removing a 2-year-old from a flight for refusing to say “black lives matter.”
“We tried! We even practiced together for weeks,” said the sobbing mother on Facebook Live. “But little Adeline couldn’t get the words out! The best she could do was ‘bwak wives mawa.’ She was able to make a little fist which she raised above her head, but that wasn’t good enough for the flight attendants.”
A video posted on the internet showed the incident as the entire flight crew surrounded the child and demanded proof that she was an ally of racial justice. The little girl responded by hiding behind her mother and asking for a graham cracker.
In a response to the situation, United Airlines said: “We have a strict ideological purity requirement on all our flights for the health and safety of travelers. We can’t let people fly on planes with the fear that a racist baby might be on board. The family was quickly removed after which we lectured them for 2 hours in the airport terminal.”
The family is now stranded in Denver since there are no other airlines willing to accept potentially racist 2-year-olds on board. All taxi and ride-sharing services have banned them from travel as well.
“We hope this family has learned a valuable lesson on public safety and complete compliance with our very important, scientific, and essential regulations,” continued the statement from United.
“We hope that a few years of watching CNN in the airport terminal where they now live will set them straight.”
EDITORS NOTE: This political satire column by The Babylon Bee is republished with permission. All rights reserved.

Man Chokes In Restaurant, Dr. Jill Biden Springs Into Action To Deliver Educational Lecture

WILMINGTON, DE—As Dr. Jill Biden and her husband went out to eat over the weekend, a man began choking on his Denver omelet. But lucky for him, Dr. Jill Biden was there, and she is a doctor.
“We need a doctor here!” cried a waiter. “Is there a doctor in the house?”
Dr. Jill Biden sprang into action. “I’m a doctor!” she said, rushing over. “I’m going to need a podium and a microphone, stat!” After a busboy hurried over with the life-saving tools she would need, Dr. Jill Biden thanked him and then began delivering a speech on meeting students’ needs at the community college level.
“Thank you for having me here today,” Dr. Jill Biden said as the bewildered choking man tried to call for a “real doctor,” since he was obviously a misogynistic bigot. “Webster’s Dictionary defines education as the action or process of educating.” As she continued her intro, the man’s face started to turn purple.
“There are three reasons community college being accessible for all is a net gain to society,” Dr. Jill Biden said as the man started to lose consciousness. “First, good classes are good for people. We must increase positive educational outcomes by offering good classes for low or no cost. Good classes may include everything from tennis courses and physical education to math and even science.”
“In conclusion, community college is good,” Dr. Jill Biden said fifteen minutes later, after the man had died. “Thank you.”
Dr. Ben Carson also happened to be there but was asked not to interfere as the media assured everyone he’s not a real doctor.
Old, Failed Idea Repackaged As New, Progressive Idea
United Airlines Kicks 2-Year-Old Off Flight For Refusing To Say ‘Black Lives Matter’
Instead Of Coal, Santa To Give Naughty Children RoseArt And Mega Bloks This Year
Fire From Heaven Consumes Man Who Wandered Off Social Distancing ‘X’ On Floor Of Grocery Store
Santa Claus Accused Of Quid Pro Quo For Giving Children Gifts In Exchange For Good Behavior
EDITORS NOTE: This political satire column by The Babylon Bee is republished with permission. ©All rights reserved.

Teachers Union Opposes Vaccine As It Might Force Teachers To Teach Again

U.S.—Many are excited about the prospect of a vaccine to end the COVID-19 pandemic, but one group is adamantly opposed to the vaccine: teachers unions. Their fear is that widespread availability of the vaccine could lead to teachers once again being forced to teach.
“Teachers are too important to risk putting them anywhere near other people’s kids,” said National Education Association president Jacob Bridges. “We’re afraid that if the pandemic ends, people will think it’s once again okay to impose a grueling five-day-a-week, nine-months-a-year work schedule on teachers who frankly have better things to do.”
It has always been the stated goal of teachers unions to do the least amount of teaching for the most amount of money, with the ultimate fabled goal to get paid to not teach at all. Thanks to the pandemic, teachers have actually reached that goal with schools shutting down, but now teachers panic that the vaccine means that they will have to teach again.
Supportive politicians like Governor Andrew Cuomo are trying to assure them that it won’t happen. “We already kept schools closed despite science saying we didn’t need to,” said Cuomo. “And we will stop this vaccine. It’s time to end this tyrannical idea that one can ask anything of teachers. Teachers have the most important job in society. But you know who isn’t important? Your stupid kids. Keep them home.”
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Disney+ Introduces $10/Month Add-On That Blocks ‘Frozen’ From Streaming Service
EDITORS NOTE: This political satire column by The Babylon Bee is republished with permission. ©All rights reserved.

Immediately After Moving To Texas, Elon Musk Announces Tesla AR-15

AUSTIN, TX—After years of fighting lame California politicians who want to lock everyone in their homes so they can’t go to space or build cool stuff, Tesla CEO Elon Musk announced he was moving to a land flowing with milk and honey called Texas. Almost immediately after the move, he announced a new product the whole world has been waiting for: the Tesla AR-15.
“Um… h-howdy, I think,” said Elon, expertly taking on the local dialect. “Y’all want a Tesla AR-15? You got it, partner!”
The new firearm will look similar to a standard AR-15 but will in fact be a battery-powered railgun capable of firing 3 million rounds per minute. It will also feature a fingerprint sensor, Bluetooth capability, heat-seeking ammunition, and a chainsaw bayonet, to name a few.
“We really wanted to re-think self-defense,” said Musk. “This new firearm will be the go-to rifle for our SpaceX volunteers when they encounter hostile aliens. It’s also a celebration of the Second Amendment. If any federal authorities try to confiscate it, the rifle will automatically connect to the internet and file a lawsuit for you!”
The Federal Government has requested that Tesla at least remove the AI-powered “self-driving” feature on the firearm before selling it.
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In ‘It’s A Wonderful Life’ Remake, Angel Tells George Bailey To Kill Himself Because He’s White
Here Are 10 Ways Trump Could Still Win
San Francisco Dogs Begin Bagging People Poop
EDITORS NOTE: This political satire column by The Babylon Bee is republished with permission. ©All rights reserved.

Help At Last: House Relief Bill Will Provide Free ‘Going Out Of Business’ Signs To Small Business Owners

WASHINGTON, DC—After weeks of partisan bickering in Congress, Nancy Pelosi and Mitch McConnell have announced that a bipartisan relief bill is finally ready for Trump’s signature. The bill will include stimulus to replenish Pelosi’s ice cream freezer, more money for the Congressional Sexual Harassment Legal Defense Fund, and free “Going Out Of Business” signs for small business owners.
“We are proud, so proud, to finally bring Americans the help they so desperately need in the form of millions of free “Going Out of Business” and “Store Closing” signs for hard-working business owners,” said Nancy Pelosi. “In spite of heartless political posturing from the Republicans, we are proud to say that we managed to work together to get something done for the American people!”
“We are also proud to finally bring Americans the help they so desperately need with all these free, high-quality printed signs,” said Senate Majority Leader Mitch McConnell. “In spite of heartless political posturing from the Democrats, we are proud to say that we managed to work together to get something done for the American people!”
The new signs will be printed in a congressional staffer’s office over the next 3 years and will cost approximately 12 million dollars each.
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Trump Administration Adds ‘Who’s Your Favorite President?’ To Citizenship Test
Idiot Family Gets Puppy
EDITORS NOTE: This political satire column by The Babylon Bee is republished with permission. ©All rights reserved.

Politicians Breaking Own Rules Can Now Purchase ‘Hypocrisy Credits’

U.S.—A new system allows politicians to purchase “hypocrisy credits” whenever they break their own lockdown rules.
Each credit costs just $1,000 and offsets one hypocritical action by a politician.
“Want to go out dining when you just shut down all the restaurants, or vacation in an exotic location when you told everyone in your state to stay home? Just purchase a Hypocrisy Credit,” said HypoCredit founder Jacob Christopher.
The credits are selling like hotcakes, with millions of dollars’ worth of the certificates having been sold in California alone. Other Democrat-controlled states are also seeing soaring sales of the credits as more governors, mayors, and legislators look for ways to break their own moral codes with impunity.
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Newsom Issues Double Stay-at-Home Order Where You Have To Stay In A Smaller House Inside Your Original House
Man On 15-Minute Phone Call Circumnavigates Globe
Trump One-Ups Obama, Bush, Clinton By Publicly Taking 21 Doses Of Vaccine At Once
People More Likely To Believe In Hell After Shopping At Walmart
EDITORS NOTE: This political satire column by The Babylon Bee is republished with permission. ©All rights reserved.

AOC Shares Plan To Enact Socialism For Five Easy Payments Of $49.99

NEW YORK, NY—Representative Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez, widely regarded as the world’s smartest socialist, has been working hard on her plan to bring socialism to the U.S. She has now launched a new website, where she will share that plan with her fans for the low, low price of five easy payments of $49.99.
“Do you want to make more money without having to work? Sure, we all do,” says Ocasio-Cortez in a video on the website. “I’ve unlocked the secrets of socialism, and I’m practically giving them away at a price that will easily pay for itself.”
The video also included testimonials from people saying how they’ve benefited from Ocasio-Cortez’s socialism. “I’m bringing in $5000 a month staying home and doing nothing,” said one man, “all thanks to the secrets of Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez’s socialism!” The video did note that these people were paid actors, though.
People who send a payment to Ocasio-Cortez will get their very own socialism kit, which will have Ocasio-Cortez’s policy proposals (including an editable Green New Deal). It will also have a decoder ring to get Ocasio-Cortez’s secret messages just for socialists. And if you act now, the first one thousand socialists will get a free “Tax the Rich” tote bag.
The new socialism kit looks like it will be popular with Ocasio-Cortez’s fans, but it’s expected to face stiff competition from the similarly priced Crazy Bernie’s Easy Socialism Now.
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A Touching Gesture: Kamala Harris Just Sent Joe Biden 17 Get Well Soon Puppies
EDITORS NOTE: This political satire column by The Babylon Bee is republished with permission. ©All rights reserved.

VIDEO: What We Should All Be Doing Right Now [Original]

The The Adley Show posted the following political satire video and commentary titled What We Should All Be Doing Right Now (Original). H/T to HL for sending it to us. Thank you Adley for telling the truth, or is it the truth?

What We Should ALL Be Doing Right Now! This was inspired by a Facebook post originally created by Sergio C. from Madrid that quickly went viral in many languages all over the Internet! He wishes his full name to be anonymous, but Sergio, you are a brilliant writer!
Thank you for sparking a conversation and laying such a relatable foundation that has been built upon and echoed all over the world! It feels amazing to share laughter with so many people across the world and bond over our uncertainty. Sometimes, it’s the only thing we CAN do.
Thanks for me letting me be a small part of your story during this time.

©The Adley Show. All rights reserved. If you want to get notified when I have some news that you may or may not care about… click here and we can hang in DMs ➖ https://m.me/AdleyStump?ref=w10396102

Chuck Norris Comes Out Of Closet As Even More Of A Man

DALLAS, TX—In an explosive interview, Chuck Norris has come out of the closet, finally revealing to the world that he is even manlier than everyone originally thought.
“It’s time to come clean. I’ve been living a lie for so long,” said the martial arts master and action movie star. “For a long time, everyone thought I was a regular manly man who could defeat bad guys with a single roundhouse kick, but the reality is that I think I’m at least three men trapped inside one man’s body.”
The action star went on to explain that for decades, he attempted to conceal his epic manliness in order to blend in with normal men, but kept failing as he amassed black belt after black belt.
“Some people in my life did grow suspicious when it was found that my tears cure cancer even though I’ve never cried, or when it was discovered that Superman wears Chuck Norris Pajamas. I always had some excuse to explain it away, but I’m tired of living that life,” he said.
Scientists worry that if Chuck Norris chooses to outwardly live as his fully manly self, it could be the end of all life in the universe as we know it. Chuck Norris has assured us that if he does accidentally end the universe with his epicness, we don’t have to worry because he’ll just slap together a new one.
EDITORS NOTE: This political satire column by The Babylon Bee is republished with permission. ©All rights reserved.

138,000 Kids Suddenly Added To Santa’s Nice List In Middle Of Night

NORTH POLE—Santa Claus’s nice list is said to be run on trustworthy software, safe and secure on an unhackable server under his workshop.
But some are questioning the legitimacy of the nice list after the tally suddenly spiked in the middle of the night, adding over 138,000 kids to the good side of the list.
After sorting kids according to their niceness or naughtiness for hours, Santa had abruptly stopped counting and gone to bed, saying he was tired and taking a break for the night, even though he is magical and does not need to sleep.
A team of unsupervised elves reportedly continued the counting against North Pole guidelines, and around 3 a.m. there was a sudden dump of over 138,000 kids put on the nice list. The software also switched kids over from the naughty to the nice list at random.
Big Tech companies quickly fact-checked the claim, assuring parents and children that the sudden jump of hundreds of thousands of kids added to the nice list is a normal part of kid sorting and that Santa’s methods are trustworthy and reliable.
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Kamala Says Biden Will Be ‘Kept Comfortable’ While A Discussion Ensues About Whether To Keep Him Alive
Secret Service Puts Finishing Touches On Biden’s New Presidential Scooter
EDITORS NOTE: This political satire column by The Babylon Bee is republished with permission. ©All rights reserved.

Selfless Democrats Go To Fancy Restaurants, Parties To Show Public What Not To Do

U.S.—With the pandemic still ongoing and many people still getting infected with COVID-19, Democrats have been especially strict with their constituents, enforcing the harshest lockdowns and restrictions on gatherings. Fearing that’s not enough to get their point through, Democrats have gone the extra length of illustrating to the public exactly what they shouldn’t do by engaging in those activities themselves.
“This could get people killed,” said California Governor Gavin Newsom as he ate at the famous French Laundry restaurant with a large gathering of friends. He then added, between bites of food, “You have to stay home and isolated. I don’t want to see any of you doing this.”
Austin Mayor Steve Adler flew all the way to a resort in Mexico to show people the dangers of the pandemic. “This is not the time to relax and go on vacation,” said Adler. “You see this?” He took a drink of a fruity cocktail and sat on a chair by the ocean. “You can’t do this.”
Democrats hope these extra efforts will really convince the public of the danger of the pandemic. “If people see us risking our lives to show them how bad it is, maybe they’ll see that this is serious,” said Washington D.C. Mayor Muriel Bowser as she attended a Joe Biden victory party. “We could all die from parties like these, and people need to see how dangerous that is, and — Hey! Waiter! I want some of those appetizers!”
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First Baptist Dallas Visitor Gift Bag Comes With A Free Bible And AR-15
‘Capitalism Has Failed Us!’ Mark Ruffalo Shouts From Atop Massive Mountain Of Cash
EDITORS NOTE: This political satire by The Babylon Bee is republished with permission. ©All rights reserved.

Mysterious Tower Of Missing Trump Votes Appears In Utah Desert

UTAH DESERT—Scientists and conspiracy theorists are baffled after a strange monolith-shaped stack of missing Trump votes was discovered without explanation in the middle of the Utah desert.
“RIGGED ELECTION!” tweeted Donald Trump after seeing the news on his Twitter feed. “They found my missing votes! There must be 10 million in that stack alone!”
Scientists insist Trump’s allegations are “baseless” and that the strange stack of mail-in votes for Trump is more likely the result of an artist’s work or perhaps an alien visitor.
Rudy Giuliani was last seen rappelling down the side of a nearby cliff face to examine the stack of ballots with a flashlight and a magnifying glass. He has announced to the press that by the time he’s done examining all the ballots by himself, Trump will be revealed to be the clear winner in all 50 states.
Kamala Says Biden Will Be ‘Kept Comfortable’ While A Discussion Ensues About Whether To Keep Him Alive
Project Veritas Shunned By Journalists For Practicing Journalism
CNN Reports Iran Has Developed Peaceful Nuclear Power Plant In More Efficient Shape Of A Rocket
Government Prepares For Next Pandemic By Taking Away Everyone’s Rights Ahead Of Time
EDITORS NOTE: This political satire by The Babylon Bee is republished with permission. ©All rights reserved.

New Greta On The Shelf Doll Will Track Your Climate Sins

U.S.—A fun new “Greta on the Shelf” doll will watch you every day and fly back to the UN each night to report your climate sins to the Intergovernmental Panel on Climate Change.
The doll is equipped with eye sensors programmed to detect activities that are harmful to the environment.
“Greta sees you when you’re sleeping, she knows when you drive your SUV to the store instead of taking public transportation,” the manufacturer said. “She knows if you’ve been bad or carbon-neutral, so be carbon-neutral for goodness’ sake!”
One couple in Portland proudly displayed their new doll and lectured their children on the true meaning of Christmas: fighting climate change. “We’re gonna play a fun game for the holidays this year — try to be good little carbon-neutral children, or Greta will tell on you!”
“How dare you!” the doll chanted as the kids of the household left the door open while the heater was on. “You have stolen my dreams and my childhood.” The doll then blasted off toward UN headquarters using its jet engines to report on the naughty children, who will receive coal in their stocking. They will be snitched on again, however, if they burn the coal for warmth.
Greta is programmed to detect activities including these:

  • Leaving the light on when you exit a room
  • Leaving the fridge open
  • Driving an SUV
  • Parents participating in illicit activities that may lead to the creation of more humans
  • Using a plastic straw instead of sticking your face in a beverage and slurping
  • Forgetting your reusable grocery bags at home
  • Getting a cut-down Christmas tree
  • Getting a carbon-heavy plastic Christmas tree
  • Turning on any electric appliances
  • Using the heater instead of rubbing two sticks together for warmth

Children have responded enthusiastically to the doll so far, saying things like, “Mommy, I’m scared,” and “Make the bad girl go away.”
EDITORS NOTE: This political satire by The Babylon Bee is republished with permission. ©All rights reserved.

Biden’s Arm Falls Off While Trying To Open A Jar Of Peanut Butter

WILMINGTON, DE—Staffers have revealed that Biden was the victim of yet another tragic accident after his arm fell completely off as he attempted to open up a jar of peanut butter.
“Yeah– it just literally fell off,” said one aide, confirming the story. “I walked into the kitchen and there was his arm, just lying on the floor. Mr. Biden didn’t seem to notice it was gone. I’m told this is a normal occurrence for people his age so everything’s fine!”
Once Biden noticed his arm was on the floor, he bent over to pick it up and his nose fell off. Aides rushed in to wrestle the confused Biden to the floor and take him to the hospital for reassembly.
“Nothing to see here,” insisted a spokesperson. “Biden will be calling a lid during his 2-week recovery time and looks forward to reappearing to take charge of the country and defeat the virus!”
Unfortunately, Biden’s recovery has been extended one more week after his head fell off as he tried to climb in the ambulance.
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EDITORS NOTE: This political satire column by The Babylon Bee is republished with permission. ©All rights reserved.

‘Science says’ is a game anyone can play

“Science says” is a game Democrats have invented to tell us what to do. It’s like “Simon says” only for adults.

How Do You Play Science Says?

One person or a group assumes the role of the leader and calls out the actions. Everyone else must follow the leader and do the action, but only when the command is prefaced with the phrase “science says.”
For example, science says, pay more taxes. Everyone pays up. Science says, shut down the economy. Everyone stops working. Science says, gender is fluid. Everyone transitions to another gender. Science says, global warming. Everyone changes their way of life. Science says, systemic racism. Everyone denounces their own and other people’s whiteness, burns cars, and breaks into stores, taking home free sneakers, cell phones, and big-screen TVs.
If a player or a group does the action when the leader did not say “science says,” they are eliminated, lose their jobs and income, their reputation and careers are destroyed, they become unemployable and sometimes they go to jail. People can also be eliminated for failing to follow instructions that include “science says.” It is the ability to distinguish between genuine and fake commands, rather than actual ability, that matters in the game. The action just needs to be attempted and nothing needs to be accomplished.
The object of the game is to eliminate everyone who does not belong to the group of leaders, as quickly as possible. The winner is usually the most compliant player who has successfully followed all the commands. Occasionally, however, even those players may be eliminated, thus resulting in the leader becoming the ultimate winner.
Historically the leader has been the Democrat Party, which has used “science says” to its own advantage. Outsiders have resented the idea of telling others what to do.
But outsiders can play “science says” just as well as the Democrats can – and today we will show you how. Let’s play.
See more “Science Says” images here, here, here , here and here.
EDITORS NOTE: This political satire by OfflineRed Square on The Peoples Cube is republished with permission. ©All rights reserved.

State Governor Frees All Drug Dealers To Provide Prison Space For Families Celebrating Thanksgiving

SALEM, OR—To prepare for the influx of Thanksgiving rulebreakers, Oregon Governor Kate Brown has ordered all drug dealers to be freed from prison to make room for all the families who violate COVID restrictions.
“Drugs are legal now anyway,” said Governor Brown. “I hereby pardon all drug offenders currently doing time in Oregon prisons. I can do that, right? Whatever — I’m doing it. The real menaces to society are the families who try to gather with their loved ones to share food and give thanks. These violent science-deniers must be stopped!”
According to sources, Oregon State Police have been ordered to go door to door and round up all families trying to celebrate Thanksgiving. Any person or persons not found alone on a couch crying into a clamshell container of take-out food will be arrested on the spot.
Governor Brown has assured the public that this zero-tolerance policy will do something “very important and science-y” to stop the spread of bad sicknesses.
“Losing Thanksgiving isn’t a huge loss anyway,” said Governor Brown. “Thankfulness makes people feel content which can inhibit social progress. We can’t have that! If we’re lucky we’ll find a reason to cancel it next year too!”
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EDITORS NOTE: This political satire by The Babylon Bee is republished with permission. ©All rights reserved.

Governor Newsom Orders Police To Go Door To Door Arresting Anyone Not Depressed And Alone

SACRAMENTO, CA—California governor Gavin Newsom is especially concerned that the holiday season could lead to people coming together in joy and brotherly love — i.e., superspreader events. To fight this, Newsom has enacted a number of strict rules for the holidays and has now gone the extra step of sending police door to door to arrest anyone showing clear signs of violating the law, namely anyone not depressed and alone.
“This holiday season, people could be out spreading cheer,” Newsom told the press, “a dangerous and illegal activity that we will crush. If we see any signs of this — any smiles, any singing, anyone looking like they’re enjoying life at all — they will be locked away for the protection of others.”

So far, door-to-door inspections have found most people in compliance, doing completely legal pandemic activities like sitting alone in the dark staring at the wall, lying face down on the floor, and googling “how to tie a noose.”  There are worries that some police may not try to enforce Newsom’s regulations for being “unconstitutional” and “evil,” but so far everyone says they will go along. The Orange County Sheriff’s Department even has a special container labeled, “Newsom’s Holiday Laws,” though it does look suspiciously like a wastepaper basket.

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EDITORS NOTE: This political satire column by The Babylon Bee is republished with permission. ©All rights reserved.

U of A Faculty & Staff Arrested: FBI agents and U.S. Marshals took them away in handcuffs for a scheme to defraud taxpayers of $435 billion.

TUCSON – As part of a nationwide federal sting operation named “Bring Social Justice”, deans and top administrators from the Tucson-based University of Arizona were arrested at their homes last night and taken away in handcuffs by FBI agents and U.S. Marshals for what could be the biggest fraud in U.S. history.

The operation also resulted in the arrest of thousands of faculty and staff from other colleges across the nation.

I’m kidding about the arrests but not about the fraud.

Unfortunately, it’s no laughing matter. The self-righteous preachers of social justice and diversity deserve to be arrested for the injustices they’ve inflicted on Americans in general and poor minorities in particular.

An indictment would be clear and indisputable. It would detail how colleges conspired with the federal government to encourage students to take out student loans, even if they did not have the K-12 grades and the personal commitment to ever graduate or if they picked a major that wouldn’t command a high enough salary to pay off the loan in a reasonable time.

The government had and continues to have such loose loan criteria that basically anyone can get a student loan, regardless of credit history, grades or chosen major. But colleges didn’t have to aid and abet such a recipe for financial disaster and could’ve blown the whistle loudly and incessantly on the fiscal insanity, instead of taking the money and covering up the truth about the loan program.

Shamefully, college faculty and staff went along with the scam out of self-interest. They got the benefits of the money in terms of better job security, opportunities and working conditions for themselves, but at no cost to themselves when the borrowers defaulted, as many were obviously going to do, especially so-called minorities.

Anecdote: My son has two engineering degrees from the University of Arizona, a bachelor’s and a master’s. Before the start of his freshman year, I attended an orientation with him for new students and their parents. The engineering dean asked for a show of hands of those students who had not taken the required math placement test before enrolling, to see if they had the math skills to major in engineering. About a third of the students raised their hands, and most of them were minorities. It didn’t take a crystal ball to know that their odds of staying in the discipline were not good.

The latest estimate shows that the government is going to lose $435 billion on the student loan program, which means that taxpayers will have to foot the bill, including working taxpayers who have never gone to college, taxpayers who worked their way through college without taking out a loan or those who took out a loan and repaid it.

Social injustice, for sure.

At the same time, the easy money made colleges even more inefficient, complacent, and spendthrift than normal. They built swank dormitories (er, residence halls), first-class exercise facilities, dining options that rivaled those on a cruise ship, resort-like grounds and huge and hugely expensive sports complexes for their football and basketball teams. As a result, prices for college tuition and fees were 1,413% higher in 2020 than in 1977 (an increase of $282,614.47), according to the Bureau of Labor Statistics.

Now a move is afoot in Congress and the new administration to excuse all tuition debt and even make college free. There is already a loan forgiveness program for some targeted groups, and especially for those who take a public-sector job, which is an example of the government looking out for its own.

Anecdote: The notion of free college brings to mind a time years ago when I went to Iceland to conduct management training. Over dinner one evening, my host lamented that as a result of the tiny nation having free college, students tended not to rise before ten o-clock in the morning and took six years or more to get their degree.

Of course, history shows that nothing is more expensive than a free government program.

If there were social justice, free college would be a moot point in any event. That’s because colleges would be devoid of faculty and staff. They’d be serving time in prison for their role in the $435 billion college loan scam.

Kraken Holds Press Conference To Distance Itself From Trump Campaign

WASHINGTON, D.C.—Amid urgent calls for Trump’s legal team to “release the Kraken” and show the country their irrefutable proof of voter fraud, the legendary Nordic cephalopod made a rare media appearance this week to clear things up and distance himself from the Trump campaign.
“Let me be perfectly clear,” gargled the Kraken in its horrifying eldritch voice. “I am not, nor have I ever been, a member of the Trump campaign. No one has contacted me from the campaign or legal team. These rumors of me being ‘released’ are just rumors.”
Reporters then began to shout questions and offer buckets of dead fish in hopes that the Kraken would call on them.
“Have you ever been to Mar-a-Lago? Did you help the Russians meddle in the 2016 elections? Are you a racist?” yelled Jim Acosta before being devoured whole by the terrible creature.
The cranky monster then slithered back into the briny depths from whence it came. Trump responded on Twitter, calling the Kraken “a total loser who he never liked anyway.”
In light of the Kraken’s denial, Trump’s legal team has announced plans to release Mothra instead.
‘We Must Cancel Thanksgiving,’ Says CDC Scientist Who Looks Suspiciously Like A Turkey In A Lab Coat
Democrats Push To Keep Schools Closed So Kids Will Be Dumb Enough To Accept Socialism
Newsom Announces Curfew So He Won’t Have To Wait In Long Line At Fancy Restaurants
Joseph Stalin To Receive International Emmy For His Outstanding Hunger Relief Efforts
CNN Condemns Trump Rallies As ‘Physically Peaceful But Morally Violent’
EDITORS NOTE: This political satire column by The Babylon Bee is republished with permission. ©All rights reserved.

Skynet Introduces New Line Of Voting Machines

MENLO PARK, CA—It’s looking increasingly likely that Trump’s lawsuits won’t change the results of the election, and that his claims about fraudulent voting and suspicious voting machines won’t swing the election in his favor.
But many people are now raising concerns as Silicon Valley startup Skynet has unveiled a new line of voting machines.
Twitter quickly fact-checked Trump’s tweet though, posting a disclaimer that “Skynet is safe and secure and we welcome our new robot overlords.”
“Well, this can’t be good,” said one commentator at the news. “Aren’t these supposed to do something bad?” His computer then shot him in the face.
Republicans are claiming the machines are going to enslave humanity, but Democrats are assuring everyone the machines are totally fine and that they’re fair and unbiased in their destruction of all humans.
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EDITORS NOTE: This political satire column by The Babylon Bee is republished with permission. ©All rights reserved.