New AR-15 Glows Blue When Libs Are Near


U.S.—An American firearms manufacturer is making waves after unveiling a brand new AR-15 that glows blue whenever libs are nearby. Constructed with ancient elven technology from the forgotten land of Gondolin, this semi-automatic rifle will pulse with an ethereal blue light whenever it detects a democrat within a 100-yard radius.
“We’re really lucky to have stumbled on this technology,” said a representative from Bravo Company USA. “Now you can feel confident knowing your home is safe from any godless heathen commies who prowl around at night trying to take away your second amendment!”
Bravo Company has announced they will produce a very limited run of these weapons to test the market before making more of them. Pre-orders are said to be sold out with a long waiting list.
“We are also working on a version for progressives that will glow red whenever there is a racist nearby,” said the representative. “Unfortunately that seems to be malfunctioning because it only seems to glow around progressives. We’re still working on it.”
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EDITORS NOTE: This political satire column by The Babylon Bee is republished with permission. ©All rights reserved.

Trump Signs Executive Order To Double Debt Of Journalism Students

WASHINGTON D.C.—There have been suggestions that Joe Biden may use an executive order to cancel student debt, but President Donald Trump has announced he’s going a different direction: He is signing an executive order to double the debt of all journalism students.

“The press is the enemy of the people,” Trump told the press, the enemy of him and other people, “and so they owe a great debt to society. Now, they owe an even greater debt to society, as I’ve doubled the debt they spent learning how to be evil and dumb.”

This move is expected to hit journalism schools especially hard, as journalism was already a fairly useless major, and now it will cost twice as much. The executive order also promises to be a big blow to journalists themselves, as they don’t make a lot of money since a lot of people do their job for free online.

When told that many journalists may not be able to afford the increased debt, Trump unveiled a new plan to make a special debtors’ prison just for journalists.

This executive order has already affected many journalists facing the prospect of increased debt. For instance, Brian Stelter, in addition to watching FOX News and telling people on CNN what he saw on FOX News, is now also working a night shift at Taco John’s.

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EDITORS NOTE: This political satire column by The Babylon Bee is republished with permission. ©All rights reserved.

Study Finds Connection Between Believing Russia Rigged 2016 Election And Believing 2020 Election Was Foolproof


U.S.—A study has found a strong connection between believing Russia rigged the 2016 election and now suddenly believing elections are entirely foolproof, trustworthy, and unhackable.
“It seems that people who screamed about Russia for 4 years now have a 100% chance of encouraging everyone to accept the 2020 election results without question,” said study head Dr. Rupert Manning. “It’s basically all the way across the board: if you believed that Vladimir Putin somehow hacked voting machines, purchased a bunch of memes, and raised an army of millions of Russian bots to disrupt the election and get Donald Trump elected, you certainly now believe that our elections are completely safe and secure.”
The study also found that people who believed the 2016 election was trustworthy and legitimate now believe the 2020 election was completely fixed.
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EDITORS NOTE: This political satire column by The Babylon Bee is republished with permission. ©All rights reserved.

Accident Prevention for Trump Supporters


The Visual Agitation and Propaganda Directorate has addressed the most urgent issues of the day: fighting unsafe situations caused by unsafe speech in unsafe spaces.
Many unfortunate accidents that happened last weekend in our nation’s capital to Trump supporters, as filmed by independent Antifa and BLM observers, could have been easily avoided had these misguided citizens seen our Accident Prevention posters and kept their mouths shut – or, better yet, stayed home.
It is especially tragic that these accidents continue to happen amid the calls for national healing and unity by our President-elect and the mainstream media, who are selflessly working to create a safe environment for all Americans.
Any similarities with our earlier Accident Prevention posters are purely coincidental.
VIEW OUR ACCIDENT PREVENTION POSTERS FOR TRUMP SUPPORTERS:

POSTER 1: Vote Democrat or have an accident

POSTER 2: CAUTION! Voting for Trump can lead to accidents.

POSTER 3: Don’t Talk Smack About Democrats

POSTER 4: VOTE DEMOCRAT – Be a shame if a hammer fell on your face at work.


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EDITORS NOTE: This  political satire by Red Square on The Peoples Cube is republished with permission. ©All rights reserved.

Media Confused By Completely Peaceful Protest


WASHINGTON, D.C.—The media is scratching their heads today after thousands of angry Trump supporters descended on the capital and were completely peaceful throughout the entire demonstration.
“I don’t even know what this is. This is really confusing,” said D.C. correspondent Cork Dorgen. “We’ve seen violent protests and mostly-peaceful protests, but this protest seems all-the-way peaceful and we didn’t even know that was a thing.”
According to witnesses, a crowd of hundreds of thousands of people peacefully marched while waving flags, singing the National Anthem, and proclaiming their love for the country and the president.
Media outlets in turn have condemned the march as “physically peaceful, but morally violent.” According to several reports, demonstrators were seen wearing shirts with violent and triggering patriotic messages. One reporter witnessed a high-schooler in a MAGA hat smirking very violently at him.
“While we didn’t see physical violence here today, we heard violent speech, violent ideas, and violent singing. These people are basically violent,” said CNN reporter Jim Acosta. “If they are not stopped, they may violently stop watching news from trusted sources like CNN or violently expose corruption in Joe Biden’s administration.”
Reporters were even more horrified when it was revealed that 92% of the crowd was planning to violently attend church services and violently sing hymns the next day in spite of the pandemic.
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EDITORS  NOTE: This political satire column by The Babylon Bee is republished with permission. ©All rights reserved.

Cuomo Develops Vaccine That Makes People Immune To Trump’s Vaccine


ALBANY, NY—Many thought it was great news when they heard about the effectiveness of Pfizer’s coronavirus vaccine, but one person is alarmed by this development: New York Governor Andrew Cuomo. In fact, Cuomo says he has scientists developing a vaccine that will render President Trump’s vaccine ineffective.
“We are doing great here in New York, and I have done everything perfectly,” Cuomo told the press, “just ask anyone in the media — especially my brother Chris. So we don’t need Trump coming in here and mucking everything up with his vaccine that’s been unproven except for multiple tests by the FDA.”
Cuomo hopes to have the vaccine-vaccine ready next week and will make it mandatory for all citizens of New York. “No one is getting cured by Trump,” Cuomo stated. “Not on my watch.”
Other governors have expressed interest in Cuomo’s vaccine-vaccine, such as California Governor Gavin Newsom. “Trump is just trying to endanger everyone by giving them the freedom to leave their houses when they want and do what they want,” Newsom said. “Californians just aren’t ready to abandon my guidance on their everyday activities.”
President Trump seemed unperturbed by the resistance to his vaccine, though. “Those states didn’t vote for me,” he said, “so I hope they all die.”


Behold: The Babylon Bee’s glorious best-Of book is finally here!


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EDITORS NOTE: This political satire by The Babylon Bee is republished with permission. ©All rights reserved.

Democrats Propose Sending Republicans To ‘Unity Camps’


U.S.—Leading Democrats are pushing for unity in our nation, and they’ve found a new way to implement the unity in a mandatory way: “Unity Camps,” special institutions designed to teach and train Republicans to unify.
“There’s nothing that’ll make Republicans want unity more than a nice, relaxing stay in one of our Unity Camps,” said Joe Biden. “Heck, in my day, we’d have killed to go to camp. I remember one summer, I was sitting in the pool watching my leg hair change color in the water. All the kids liked to run their fingers through it. Anyway, we were supposed to go to Camp Waggakopo the next summer, but Dad needed me on the farm and told me I could go to the academy the following year.”
Representative Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez has suggested using forced labor at the camps, compelling Republicans to run on giant hamster wheels to generate enough energy to run the country under a Green New Deal.
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EDITORS NOTE: This political satire column by The Babylon Bee is republished with permission. ©All rights reserved.

In Victory Speech, Biden Assures Americans Elections Were ‘Mostly Legitimate’


U.S.—Very legitimate President-elect Joe Biden assured all Americans in his victory speech last Saturday night that the elections held nationwide were “mostly legitimate.” His comments come as a rebuke to those who were saying totally baseless things about voter fraud, illegal ballots being counted, and poll workers counting ballots in a boarded-up building with no oversight.
“It’s time to put away the harsh rhetoric, to lower the temperature, to see each other, to listen to each other again,” Biden said. “Well, everyone who accepts this totally legit election—I mean, c’mon man. Everything was by the book.”
All election experts and hosts from CNN, MSNBC, CBS, NPR, and the AP immediately backed up every point of Joe Biden’s speech condemning the few scattered millions of people who still had some lingering doubts.
“You want to know how I know those stories about tabulation software glitches and dead people voting are part of a disinformation campaign?” asked CNN’s Brian Stelter on his program. “Facebook and Twitter are censoring them. That’s how you know what’s real and what’s not.”
“Just listen to the election experts and people censoring other points of view like me,” he added.
At publishing time, rumors about the Trump campaign filing several lawsuits disputing the election results were being censored by social media companies.
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EDITORS NOTE: This political satire column by The Babylon Bee is republished with permission. All rights reserved.

Why Do Dead People Vote for Democrats?

As controversy swirls around the latest Presidential election results, we need to ask ourselves some basic questions.

Why do dead people overwhelmingly vote for Democrats?

Historians widely agree that the election of 1960, the state of Illinois was delivered to the Democrats by the Daley political machine in Chicago. That resulted in the defeat of Republican Richard Nixon and the election of Democrat John F. Kennedy. Robert Dallek, who wrote definitive biographies of both JFK and LBJ, concluded that Daley “probably stole Illinois from Nixon”. However, some suggest Kennedy would have won without it.

Nevertheless, Nixon considered contesting the election, but given the tense situation in the Cold War, decided against doing so.

There is considerable speculation that the dead may again be pivotal in our most recent election. Voting by dead people and voter fraud has a long tradition in America, especially among Democrats.

You would think these events alone would perk up the interest in the dead by political scientists and pollsters. But no, this group remains largely marginalized and ignored.

Some have speculated it is because the dead are notorious for not responding to pollsters.  That may be true but their participation is still important to our democratic process.

We think it more likely Democrats simply have a better ground game. Either way, it is a grave problem that needs to be explored.

Democrats simply have more experience at mobilizing the dead. And the dead, are vulnerable so to speak. No one contacts them very often. If Democrats contacted you every two years and said they needed your vote, how would you respond?

Not only are they seeking your vote, they might let you vote multiple times and even fill out the ballots for you. From this perspective, it is understandable why the dead might vote for Democrats. All of us respond, or would try to, when we are made to feel important. That is especially so if one feels ignored for a long time.

Make no bones about it, the Democrats simply are better at reaching out to the dead and getting their vote.

Republicans cannot hope to be competitive unless they develop a better outreach to the deceased community. They must learn to dig deeper to uncover more voters. Failure to develop a competitive strategy could be a deadweight on the GOP for years to come.

 

Party Against Fascism Begins Creating Lists Of Undesirables


In the latest effort to defeat fascism once and for all, Democrat operatives have begun to compile a list of people who disagree with them politically so they can destroy their lives forever.
“These undesirables must be held accountable,” said AOC, Biden’s new Secretary of Holding Fascists Accountable. “They are complicit in all the fascist fascism that has been living in my head for four years! I won’t rest until Trump’s supporters are rounded up and held accountable with, like, swift and furious accountability.”
According to AOC’s new accountability plan, Trump supporters will be tried in special accountability courts before being herded into special accountability cars and sent to accountability camps. Those who resist being held accountable will be administered special accountability with accountability guns loaded with high-powered accountability bullets.
“This is just about holding people accountable,” said AOC. “Accountability is the only way to defeat fascism and protect human rights.”
Trump supporters are outraged by all the accountability and have vowed to hold AOC accountable.
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EDITORS NOTE: This political satire column by The Babylon Bee is republished with permission. ©All rights reserved.

69 Million Trump Supporters Take To Streets To Drive To Work And Go About Their Lives As Normal


U.S.—Angered at President Donald Trump’s apparent loss, the president’s psychotic supporters took to the streets to drive to work and go about their lives as normal.
Crowds of Trump supporters were seen just kinda doing the same old thing they always do, not burning down any buildings or assaulting anyone or tipping over statues. The deranged, dangerous followers of the fascist ruler got in their cars and flooded the streets, but they were just driving to work, because life goes on.
Some got out of their cars and marched, but they were just marching into their offices and onto construction sites, the ones where they work, because they have jobs and their whole lives don’t hinge on who is or isn’t in the White House.
“Look at how insane these Trump supporters are!” screamed one commentator on CNN. “They are flooding our streets and going to work like usual! AHHHHHHHH!!!”
At publishing time, they were seen going into people’s homes and private property, though they were their own homes, because they were just going home for the evening to hang out with their families and maybe watch some TV.
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EDITORS NOTE: This political satire column by The Babylon Bee is republished with permission. ©All rights Reserved.

Experts Call For 15 Days Of Counting To Flatten The Curve Of Votes For Trump


U.S.—After a concerning spike in votes for Trump occurred on election night, experts are calling for 15 days of counting to flatten the curve of votes for the “wrong candidate.”
While some scientists recommended just letting the votes for Trump be counted fairly until we all achieve herd immunity to Trump, others said we need to lock down the vote-counting places, and make sure no one can get inside, in order to kill off the virus of Trump.
“If we all band together and allow just 15 days of counting, we can flatten the curve of votes for Trump,” said Dr. Fauci. “And we also advise Trump supporters to wear airtight masks. For, you know, science.”
The CDC, WHO, and China are all backing the plan, saying it is “SCIENCE!” and anyone who is opposed to it is “ANTI-SCIENCE!” However, the CDC quickly reversed its support for the decision, then went back and supported it again, then did it again, etc.
At publishing time, the experts had revised their recommendation to at least 8 months of counting to flatten the curve.
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EDITORS NOTE: This political satire column by The Babylon Bee is republished with permission. ©All rights reserved.

Fox News Calls Arizona For Biden After 1 Vote Counted


NEW YORK, NY—Fox News has called Arizona for Joe Biden after just one vote was counted. The voter, Bob Johnson, was administered an exit poll, and he said, “Yep. I love Joe Biden. Might as well call the state for him now.” Immediately, Fox News reporters called the news desk, which made the call to hand the electoral votes to Biden immediately. Fox News says it will wait until Trump wins at least 4 billion votes in Florida before the state is called for him, cautioning patience and reminding voters that there are still plenty of absentee ballots to come in from military overseas and the Chinese government.
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EDITORS NOTE: This political satire column by The Babylon Bee column is republished with permission. ©All rights reserved.

News Outlets Now Calling Beijing For Biden


BEIJING—Early on Election Day, news outlets are already reporting that all precincts in Beijing China have been called for Democrat Joe Biden. CNN has assured the public that the voting was free and fair and that the will of the people in the People’s Republic of China was loud and clear.
“We know that Chinese votes don’t count in American elections yet,” said CNN anchor Don Lemon, “but that needs to change. Chinese people are people too. Our oppressive system of government shuts out the voices of billions of innocent Chinese people every year. The official position of the Trump regime is this: Chinese lives don’t matter.”
“The voice of Beijing is loud and clear tonight,” said Lemon, his eyes filling with tears. “Will we ignore their cry? It’s time to hold true to our principles and award China’s 789 electoral votes to Joe Biden.”
Several Democrat-led states are suing to allow Chinese votes to be counted because of words like love, equality, and democracy. These cases are expected to make it to the Supreme Court where an ACB vote will be crucial.
Supporters of Chinese votes have also taken up the cause by putting up “No Chinese Humans Are Illegal” signs in their yards.
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EDITORS NOTE: This political satire column by The Babylon Bee is republished with permission. All rights reserved.

Business Owners Boarding Up In Case Party Of Love And Tolerance Loses


U.S.—Business owners in Democrat-controlled cities are boarding up in preparation for an onslaught of mostly peaceful demonstrations should Trump win the election Tuesday.
The real concern is that the party of love and tolerance loses the election.
“We just want to make sure our businesses will be safe from the sudden outpouring of peace, love, and tolerance,” said one frightened business owner in Los Angeles as he frantically boarded up his hookah lounge. “You know, too much peace can sometimes intensify and end up destroying millions of dollars of property. You know, from all the peace.”
“Can’t be too careful when there’s roaming bands of people spreading peace.”
Many business owners are even arming themselves with firearms to protect themselves from all the peace.
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EDITORS NOTE: This political satire column by The Babylon Bee is republished with permission. ©All rights reserved.

Black Lives Matter Accused of Cultural Appropriation

The three Black women who founded Black Lives Matter have been accused of cultural appropriation by Professor E.Z. Pickens of Whatsamatter U near Boinksville, Pennsylvania.

Professor Pickens pointed out that the founders of BLM have claimed to be trained Marxists.

Professor Pickens explained that Karl Marx was German and Dutch, ethnically Jewish from a line of rabbis, the son of a Jewish couple that had converted to Christianity. He was a White European atheist, a racist and an anti-Semite. In short, a big White mess.

In addition, he pointed out that Marx was heavily influenced by the philosopher Hegel, who likewise was a White German. Additionally, Marx was informed by the socialist tradition that included French philosophers Saint Simon and Charles Fourier.

He also noted that Marx likely would not have succeeded in publishing his many works without the financial support of Fredrich Engels, a German industrialist. George Soros was not available then.

“Marx was the product of the certain strand of the European Enlightenment,” said Professor Pickens. “His views have roots in France and Germany, and he was published in the U.S by Horace Greeley. It was an all-White male project.”

Two of his daughters died in suicide pacts with their husbands. Hairy Karl must have been a suboptimal father.

Pickens also pointed out that Marx was a big hairy, binary revolutionary who treated his wife quite shabbily; even knocking up the maid much like Arnold Schwarzenegger.

“Why modern-day feminists would embrace the ideas of a male chauvinist who exploited women like Marx is beyond belief. He was almost as bad as Bill Clinton.”

Pickens, who holds the Chair in Ethnic Studies and Furniture Design, pointed out further violations. First, it is not appropriate for females to use male ideas. “You cannot really understand male thinking if you are female. It is pure and simple sexual appropriation.”

Secondly, “Black Americans have no right to appropriate the ideas of White Europeans for their own purposes.”

“Black Lives Matter is exclusively about the downside of the Black experience in America and ignores any comparative benefits or improvement. It has nothing to do with European male ideas,” he stated. “You’ve got to stay focused on contemporary misery. Either you take a knee for that or you will get a knee in the groin.”

“You simply can’t go around using the cultural and intellectual traditions of other people, especially if you are not the same color or sex.”

Pickens, who is African American himself, is renowned for the small research he has published on pygmies, concluding that “reliance on the ideas of White males does not fit with the Black experience. The modern Black family since the Great Society programs of the 1960s is largely matriarchal.”

“The last thing the movement needs is for a bunch of Black feminists to inject male ideas and promote the ideas of the White European oppressors.”

To date, Black Lives Matter has not commented on the matter.

An Ape Comments on the Divisiveness of Multiculturalism

Decades ago, multiculturalism sounded like a good idea. Its premise was that the arts, literature, history, culture and education in general were too Euro-centric and white and should be broadened to include other races, peoples and cultures.

This good idea has morphed into the exceedingly bad and divisive practice of pointing out all of the injustices committed by white Europeans and their American descendants while ignoring the equal or worse injustices committed by other peoples. At the same time, the accomplishments of the other peoples have been highlighted while those of whites have been downplayed.

Take Native Americans. It’s undeniable that they have suffered from imperialism and genocide at the hands of whites. Only a closeminded ignoramus would not want this history included in a history of the USA.

But it’s also undeniable that many if not most Indian tribes, in a manifestation of their warrior culture, took slaves and engaged in some of the worst atrocities imaginable. Only an ideologue with a political agenda would want to hide that history.

Perhaps it’s understandable that Native Americans living in poverty on reservations and getting their healthcare from the incompetent Indian Health Services would feel that the telling of the dark side of their history would be like blaming the victims; and as such, they would want to stop the telling of that history in academia and elsewhere, claiming that it is hurtful and racist.

But that argument could also be made by whites who have been victims in history and had nothing to do with the evils of slavery, Jim Crow, colonialism, imperialism, Nazism, and Communism – and who are so poor, disadvantaged and powerless that it is absurd to claim that they are privileged and have somehow benefited from the subjugation of others.

It’s equally absurd to lay the entire blame for the horrible socioeconomic conditions in various countries on colonialism and imperialism, or again, to portray the citizens of those countries as being free of any responsibility for their own racism and injustices.

Take India, the maternal home of vice president candidate Kamala Harris, whose mother came from an upper caste known for its embrace of education, traditional families, industriousness and personal discipline. In other words, Kamala’s mother was from privilege, and by extension, so was Kamala.

Other privileged Indian castes with the same embrace of education, traditional families, education, industriousness and personal discipline have been the primary source of Indian immigrants to the USA, which probably explains why they rank the highest in household income. They’ve left behind one of the poorest, most polluted, and most racist and class-conscious nations in the world – a culture that existed before the arrival of English colonists.

Some Indians bring the class-consciousnesses with them to the USA, just as all immigrants bring negatives and positives of their culture with them. Case in point: One time, a CEO asked me to coach an Indian divisional president about his aloofness and air of superiority with his staff. I saw the behavior firsthand when we went to dinner at an Indian restaurant, where he treated the Indian staff like servants, snapping his fingers and not saying please or thank you.

This isn’t to suggest that he was representative of most Indians, but it is to state the obvious, or what would be obvious if multiculturalism curricula taught the good and bad of all races and ethnic groups – or more importantly, taught that all humans are imperfect by nature and are molded by upbringing, culture and class, in good and bad ways.

In my case, I share about 98% of my genes with apes and about 8% of those with extinct Neanderthals. And being of Italian ancestry, there’s no telling what races mixed their chromosomes in producing my ancestors, in view of the fact that horny Greeks, Persians, Africans, Jews, Germans and others tromped through the Italian peninsula for millennia.

If the multiculturalists insist on typecasting me, I wish they’d be accurate and describe me as an ape with a smattering of Neanderthal genes and mix of chromosomes from various races.

The Demise of the Dixie Chicks

Once a popular country western, all female band, this “woke” group chose politics over art.

They chose self-expression over their fan base. Somehow, they got the notion that fans wanted their geopolitical insight as well as their sophisticated biting social commentary. They were wrong.

It began with attacks on President George W. Bush, and they found that fans of bluegrass and country were not too happy with their constant carping during a time of war. A disproportionate number of military personnel come from southern and rural parts of the country. They generally felt criticism should not be conducted when soldiers are in the field getting killed.

Many country and western stations dropped their music and fans deserted them in droves.

As their slide into obscurity accelerated, they became fixtures at Democratic Party events, where urban left wingers could pretend for a moment, they understood people from fly over country.

Now the group has opted to up the ante in virtue signaling and decided to drop the name “Dixie”, and just stay with the term “chicks”.

Most dictionaries define “chick” as slang, and generally offensive slang for young vacuous girls or women. They seem to have traded one perceived insult for another.

Now that they have become so sensitive to words, you would think they would not want to offend women. But they go even further in entangling themselves is political correctness.

After 14 years, they are back with a new album called “Gaslighter.” Honestly, you can’t make this stuff up!

The verb “gaslight” is used to describe abusive behavior, specifically manipulating information in a way to make the receiver (the victim) doubt his or her sanity. It is a deliberate attempt to make one doubt one’s own memories and perceptions of reality.

Actually, it pretty well sums up their tragic decent into “wokeness.”