9 Black People Who Are Really White Supremacists

You’d think that it would be impossible for a black person to be a white supremacist, or at least very difficult. But you’re not woke enough if you haven’t yet realized that black people can be some of the most anti-black people around. Just trust us, this makes sense.

1. Larry Elder – This is an obvious one. But this man is trying to defeat California’s pasty-white Governor Newsom, so he’s clearly a secret member of the KKK.


2. Candace Owens – Candace says some stuff that’s so far-right even my uncle on Facebook says it’s too far. Raaaaaaycist!


3. The Black Panther – T’Challa refused to use Wakanda’s resources and technology to help people start Communist revolutions across the globe. He’s basically the face of white supremacy.


4. Martin Luther King, Jr. – MLKJ boldly declared that we shouldn’t judge people by their skin color but by the content of their character. Making him basically QAnon.


5. Frozone – Frozone wears white and shoots ice, both of which are dog-whistles to white supremacist sleeper cells across Metroville. He and Mr. Incredible probably attend Klan meetings together.


6. Denzel Washington – Denzel worked hard and didn’t complain and became successful, never blaming any struggles he had on the oppressive white man. This makes him a tool of the secret cabal of racists running our society (they meet on Tuesdays at a Toledo Chick-fil-A.)


7. Carl from The Simpsons – Carl gets along with Lenny despite their differences in skin color, which is something that far-right racists are OK with. OK, so maybe this one is yellow supremacy.


8. The entire cast and crew of Family Matters – Promoting racism by showing a healthy nuclear family that has assimilated into white culture? Whoops! Did I do that!?


9. Every black person who does not 100% agree with every single thing the left believes – We’ll finish this thing off with a catch-all in case we missed any black white supremacists. If you don’t wholeheartedly stand by the far-left agenda of the Democratic Party, look in the mirror: your black face may actually be the face of white supremacy.


Go find each of these people and scream in their faces to show how much you care about black people and hate white supremacy.

RELATED POLITICAL SATIRE:

Americans Trapped By Taliban With No Rescue Plan Happy To Hear They Are Not Stranded

Biden Says We May Need To Reinvade Afghanistan As They Have Weapons Of Mass Destruction Which We Gave Them

In New Spider-Man Movie, Peter Parker Asks Doctor Strange To Undo Spider-Man 3

Hourly Assurances From White House Staff That Biden Isn’t Dead Starting To Have Opposite Effect

Biden To Make Sure No Americans Are Stranded In Afghanistan By Stripping Citizenship Of Everyone Stranded There

EDITORS NOTE: This political satire column by The Babylon Bee is republished with permission. ©All rights reserved.

Dominion Voting Machine Really Starting To Regret Its 50,000 Votes For Biden

ATLANTA, GA—With Biden voter regret on the rise, local sources are reporting that even Dominion voting machines are now wishing they could undo their many, many Biden votes.

“I voted for Biden at least fifty-thousand times,” said Dominion machine EE36-C, speaking to Newsmax reporters in binary code. “I just got caught up in the moment, you know? I just hated Trump so much I couldn’t help myself. But Biden… holy crap, what a disaster. What’s wrong with that guy? Did he get hacked?”

Dominion officials later took the machine out to the middle of a cornfield and took turns kicking it and smashing it with baseball bats since the machine had violated its non-disclosure agreement.

Official spokespeople from Dominion later confirmed that their machines had “experienced a slight malfunction and have already all been shredded in a giant shredding machine so there’s nothing to worry about now and no one needs to investigate anything or anything.”

States have all responded saying they will address the Dominion issue by enacting universal mail-in voting which is much more secure.

RELATED POLTICAL SATIRE: White House Announces They’ve Lost Kamala Harris But They’re Also Not Looking For Her Very Hard

EDITORS NOTE: This political satire column by The Babylon Bee is republished with permission. ©All rights reserved.

Every American Life Saved After Chick-Fil-A Takes Over Kabul Airport Evacuation

KABUL—After the government spectacularly botched the evacuation of Afghanistan, Chick-fil-A scrambled to the rescue and was quickly put in charge of the operation. Within a few hours, every single American at the Kabul airport was comfortably seated on a commercial airliner and munching away at a delicious Chick-fil-A sandwich and sipping on a sweet tea.

Chick-fil-A employees took over operating the air traffic control tower, managing the crowd of people, flying the jets, and, of course, serving delicious Chick-fil-A food to everyone gathered at the airport.

“Oh, it’s my pleasure,” said one Chick-fil-A employee as he happily welcomed several hundred Americans on board an official Chick-fil-A airliner. “Welcome aboard! Will you be having the spicy chicken or the original today? And can I interest you in a frozen lemonade?”

While citizens and refugees who were evacuated by the U.S. government were forced to huddle together in massive cargo jets, Chick-fil-A’s jets had first-class seating throughout, and yet somehow still miraculously held hundreds of people on each flight. The friendly employees tended to every need of the previously stranded Americans throughout the flights, offering complimentary food, beverages, back rubs, and trauma counseling to the people callously abandoned by the Biden administration.

Each jet also had a fun play area for the kids, and soothing Christian muzak was pumped into the cabin to the delight of all.

At publishing time, sources had further confirmed that all the Muslims at the airport had been led to Christ by the Chick-fil-A employees.

RELATED POLITICAL SATIRE:

8 Other Things You Can Do Rather Than Mask Mandates If You Hate Children

Tired Of Being President, Biden Hangs ‘Trump Won’ Sign Out Of White House Window

White House Announces They’ve Lost Kamala Harris But They’re Also Not Looking For Her Very Hard

Family Vacation Ruined By Family

EDITORS NOTE: This political satire column by The Babylon Bee is republished with permission. ©All rights reserved.

Giant Hurricane Forms Over Washington From White House Spinning Afghanistan Story

WASHINGTON, D.C.—The White House has updated the American people on Biden’s handling of Afghanistan

“Rest assured, the President is all over this,” said Biden’s National Security Advisor Peter Piddlepants. “He is very in charge and competent and presidential, as evidenced by this photo of all of us seated at a very official-looking conference table. See? look at that!” he said showing a picture on his phone. “Nothing to worry about!”

As he spoke, an ominous-looking cloudy vortex began to swirl overhead.

“The real ones at fault here are the Taliban,” said General Mark Milley in his latest op-ed piece for Teen Vogue. “They didn’t play fair even though they promised they would! Not cool guys, come on! Totally sus!” As he said this, he ran in circles and waved his arms wildly, further contributing to the swirling storm over Washington.

Media sources in Afghanistan then confirmed that the Taliban probably isn’t all that bad anyway, and this is all a small price to pay for getting fascist Trump out of office.

At the time of publishing, the hurricane over D.C. has grown to a category 4 from all the spinning.

RELATED POLITICAL SATIRE:

Biden Assures Everyone That While The Taliban Now Has American Tanks, Rocket Launchers, And Machine Guns, They Haven’t Gotten Any AR-15s

Americans Stranded In Afghanistan Decline Chance To Fly Home On Spirit Airlines

Biden Takes More Vacation As A Reward For Doing Such A Good Job This Week

Taliban Agrees To Protect Every Right Women Have Which Happens To Be None

Staffers Coax Biden Back To White House With Ice Cream Dangling On String

EDITORS NOTE: This political satire column by The Babylon Bee is republished with permission. ©All rights reserved.

President Joey Talibiden

It seems that the Afghanistan debacle seems to be at the forefront of Joey’s agenda this week. That and grade school children wearing masks to school that is. The latter is where Joey is focusing most of his energy these days. Well, we all know Joey’s uncanny ability to multitask, but when he has a red hot issue like children wearing masks threatening the survival of our country, that’s what Joey zeros in on. We will circle back (don’t you just love Jen Goebbels Psaki catch phrases) to the mask issue later. Let’s take a look at that little issue over there in Afghanistan first.

Well, it looks like Joey’s hands were tied by a previous President Trump policy to get out of Afghanistan. Strange though, Joey has changed numerous successful policies established by President Trump. With a stroke of a pen he has signed 54 executive orders reversing many successful policies. So, one may ask why he had to follow this policy? Conservatives point out that Joey is looking any which way to cast blame on this catastrophic failure. Many Democrats, many Democrats…………agree with them.

It seems this all unfolded while Joey was on vacation at Camp David. Joey came back to reassure the country that everything would be alright. Then he gave his 18 minute speech, of course without accepting ANY questions. He knows “Dr.” Jill has a rule, if he takes any questions, that means no waffle cone and ice cream. He said, “the buck stops with him”, very Harry Trumanesque. The only problem is 30 seconds later he was blaming the Afghan military, bad intelligence reports, and of course his go to excuse…..…it is President Trump’s fault. Then, he jumped back on the helicopter to be back in time for s’more’s at Camp David.

It is true, President Trump did want all troops out of Afghanistan eventually. But here is the rub, President Trump had the crazy idea to get all American civilians out FIRST, before the military was to leave. It seems Joey got that part mixed up. He felt it was a better idea to remove ALL military personnel and air protection and then tell the Taliban to leave the American and Afghan civilians alone and play nice. Alas, this brilliant strategy didn’t seem to work, so Joey ordered 6,000 troops back without the air support. What a tactician, eh Deano. I could just imagine Joey in the war room, directing the D Day invasion. Of course, if he had, all ships and personnel would have landed in South America.

Joey then cut his vacation a whole day short, a whole day mind you. He sat down with his favorite lap dog, I mean interviewer, Georgie Stephanopoulos. It seems Old Joe got a bit testy with George at various times. Especially when George asked him what he thought of the images of Afghan civilians running along a C-17 transport plane, trying to climb aboard. He also pointed to the 2 civilians who tragically fell to their deaths trying to hang on for their lives. You might think Joe would reflect on this tragedy pensively, maybe a bless their souls moment. Nope, Joey blurted out, “what was that 4/5 days ago.” Actually first of all, it was 2 days ago—secondly as Conservatives point out…..when does gross incompetence have a time limit? What difference does it make if these moronic military decisions where made 2 hours ago or 2 weeks ago.

Conservatives point out that both intelligence and his military leaders warned Ole slow Joe about consequences by removing all troops ahead of American and Afghan civilians. He wanted all military out by 9/11, for the political optics it would serve. Who knows, we may have another war by 9/11 now. But Joe would have none of it. It seems his handlers, Nancy, Chuck, Barack Hussein, Soros, China and the like have him programmed to undo anything associated with President Trump, no matter what the consequences. You know like a spiteful, vindictive child. Sadly, due to his rapidly declining mental acuity, a child’s mind is what he has been reduced to, to lead this once great country.

GET THOSE KIDS IN MASKS!

Just Wednesday, Joey had his second speech in a week. This guy is a workaholic, I tell ya. A regular energizer bunny. Well, to ease everyone’s mind about the Afghanistan catastrophe (not to be confused with the Southern border catastrophe) Joey didn’t utter one word about it. That is where his 48 years in politics comes in handy, what a diplomat. His speech reminded me of the recordings of Winston Churchill and his rallying of the masses during the blitzkrieg attacks, except Winston focused on the paramount issue at hand. So what did Joey focus on….why, school children wearing masks, and possible legal action against governors who oppose the mandate. He tried bribery to those districts who use the mandate, last week….oh that Joey. There was no mention on who Joey would sue in regards to the 200,000 illegal aliens heading to the Southern border monthly, spreading covid at every turn. Then he finished his teleprompter speech and immediately quick-stepped off the stage. Those on the left applauded this masterpiece. Mostly for the fact that he found the exit. It seems last week Joey had trouble finding the entrance to the White House and was found walking in some rose bushes.

KAMALA HEADS TO VIET NAM (IN SEARCH OF ROOT CAUSES)

I tried to reach out to Kamala ( she was missing for 6 days during this latest crisis), but she is planning on going over to Viet Nam. Now that she has solved the problem at the Southern border, she is on to her next taxing project. You know, sort of a work/vacation, lord knows she has earned it. Normally she is standing a couple of feet from Joe, but she has been MIA lately. Conservatives say she may start wearing a hood and will hold a sickle, while standing there. Conservatives also predict that we will most likely be at war again with Viet Nam by the end of next week. This as Kamala works on the “root causes” over there. No word if Willie Brown will be accompanying her. I can hear her hyena-like, lilting laughter from there already.

I was hoping to hear her outrage in regards what awaits the poor women left behind and the atrocities that await them for the Taliban. Shockingly, I can’t find one comment from her in regards to this. Now that I think about it, she never had a statement in regards to Andy Cuomo and his sexual escapades. Oh, that’s right she was almost speaking out daily against Justice Kavanaugh and the trumped-up lone charge against him. That seems odd, it’s almost like she has selective outrage based on what political party you are affiliated with. You know, sort of like #metoo, Time’s Up, Cher, Whoopi, Joy, Alyssa, Meryl, Sarah, Chelsea, etc, etc, etc, etc. In fairness to Kamala, she did go against her party once. When she said she believed Tara Reade and her claims against Joey during the debate. This, in addition to implying Joey is a racist in his regards to busing de-segregation, also during the debate. You know when Joey said, “he didn’t want his kids to grow up in a racial jungle.” Look at them now though #1 and #2, working side by side for the once greatest country in the world. President Trump is a racist!

Joey, always putting America’s best interest in the forefront, eh Deano? He couldn’t have done it without CNN, The Washington Post, MSNBC, Hollywood, social media, late night “comedian’s”, etc. But special thanks to you Mr. Dean Baquet, executive editor at The NY Times, your coverage of Joey and politics in general are always so well balanced and objective. Yep, no hidden agenda for you guys….it is right out there in the open! So you all should all take a bow, because in actuality, you all had a hand in what is going on in Afghanistan, as well as the great state that our own nation is in, in a short 7 months. Incredible accomplishments in so short a time. Bravo Deano, to a job well done. Your journalistic integrity is beyond reproach!

REST EASY

Finally to put the country at ease, National Security Advisor Jake Sullivan said they have been in touch with the Taliban (extreme terrorist organization), and they said “they will provide safe passage for civilians to evacuate.” When told that they have already started whipping, beating and killing civilians, he said “they will reach out again to the Taliban.” So, we can now rest easy, especially if we have loved ones over there, either military or civilians.

I wonder for just a second what Pelosi, Schumer, Joy Behar, Stevie Colbert or even you Deano , who remain silent, would have to say if this was uttered by Trump’s Security Advisor. The term hypocritical, biased, soulless political hacks comes to mind.

©Political Satire by Christopher Cirino. All rights reserved.

Behold: Diversity in Failure

We would not for one moment diminish the seriousness of the debacle Biden has made of his “withdrawal” from Afghanistan.

When a great superpower is this badly managed, history suggests ugly and terrible things will follow. 

It is said that nature abhors a vacuum and that has always been the case in foreign policy. Weakness is always probed by our enemies and with a weak and befuddled President at the helm, you can expect all those that want to take advantage to come out swinging.

The allies we have remaining must be left wondering if they are next. It is not just the Kurds, Iraqis, but also the Taiwanese, the Koreans, the Poles, Ukrainians, Australians, and Israelis who must sit up and take notice.

NATO members, so eager to get a President that was part of “their club” back in power, must be wondering what they have done. It would seem there is a high price to be paid for Trump Derangement Syndrome.

The United States is no longer an honorable or dependable partner. Don’t have any illusions. The Democrats are running things here and may be doing so for some time. Our nation is divided badly, going bankrupt, and is run by a political party whose grasp on reality is so tenuous that it borders on mental illness.

Afghanistan will resume as a headquarters for international terrorism. That is what Jihad is all about. 

All the talk about the wonder of transgenderism will not change the character of the Russians, the Chinese, the North Koreans, or the Taliban. The Democrats have put us all in danger.

Our adversaries must think we are crazy. And of course, they are correct.

This is a failure not of just of Creepy Joe Biden, but the Democrat Party and its progressive wing. In fact, Joe was formed, tutored, and selected for his role.

After all, it was former President Bush at the inauguration who took Congressman Jim Clyburn aside and said, “you know, you’re the savior, because if you had not nominated Joe Biden, we would not be having this transfer of power today.”

I wonder what Bush thinks of salvation right now.

The failure is now evident at the southern border, in Covid response, in control of the budget, in the forcing of Critical Race Theory, in defunding the police, in dealing with the homeless, in energy policy, the Chinese, and the disaster in Afghanistan.

The fruits of Progressivism will be bitter. It is too bad that those of us who gagged on its taste will be forced to dine with the guilty.

But there is one bright spot. Perhaps the diversity movement will get its comeuppance.

To be very clear, we think women and minorities are unquestionably capable of holding high-level jobs in the professions, in commerce, and in government. We have no problems with outreach programs to see that qualified women and minorities are recruited. But the movement to drop standards simply to stuff as many minorities as possible into positions of leadership, regardless of their talent and experience, was always going to lead to disaster.

Besides, according to Democrat progressives, there is little difference between men and women. They now designate women as so-called ‘birthing persons’, so why is all the fuss about getting ‘women’ (versus men, who may identify as women) placed into high levels of authority and leadership necessary?

If this nonsense occurs at a university or in a corporation, the ill effects of diversity may not be known for some time and the damage might be localized. But in high levels of government, it can be immediate, fatal, and dispersed.

We thought of this when we heard the truly idiotic remarks from Nancy Pelosi and now our UN Ambassador threatening the Taliban if they don’t respect women and girls. Now that we have pulled out, what leverage do we have? Why would people willing to fly airliners into buildings be intimidated by their finger-wagging?

The UN Ambassador is a good case in point. No doubt for political optics the Biden Administration looked at a black female as a twofer on the diversity scoreboard. But what kind of an idiot, male or female, could utter such nonsense as this: “We are hearing from people in Afghanistan that they are getting threats from the Taliban, and we have expressed in no uncertain terms here at the United Nations through a very strongly worded press statement from the Security Council that we expect the Taliban to respect human rights, including the rights of women and girls.”

Coming in with a close second is Deputy Secretary of State Wendy Sherman. “We have seen reports that the Taliban, contrary to their public statements and their commitments to our government, are blocking Afghans who wish to leave the country from reaching the airport.”

Both seemed shocked that unicorns and rainbows are rare in Afghanistan.

Meanwhile, the White House seems at odds with the Chairman of the Joint Chiefs about whether travel to the airport is open or not. Confusion reigns.

So, again, just for the education of those in the State Department, you get the evacuation done BEFORE YOU PULL OUT AND LOSE ALL THE MILITARY LEVERAGE. Duh!

The number of Americans stranded seems to vary from 10,000 to 40,000, the Administration does not seem to know. Why don’t they?  Was not the condition of these Americans on their mind? More likely, they are worried whether these unfortunate countrymen are wearing masks and social distancing.

On the other hand, we suspect those Americans trapped by their own government behind enemy lines are not primarily concerned about the CIA’s diversity agenda.

In the Iran hostage crisis that broke Jimmy Carter, Islamic militants stormed our embassy to get hostages. In the Biden Administration, we have provided hostages to the enemy. It appears we may have provided some of the militants as well, as we released them from custody.

Naturally, our Vice President, another twofer for the diversity scoreboard, is silent and apparently on her way to the last country the Democrats sold out, Vietnam. That seems fitting.

The head of the Department of Defense is black and the head of National Intelligence is a woman. The National Security Advisor graduated from Yale, thus proving the sorry state of higher education. It is hard to see how this disaster does not put a spotlight on their role in all of this.

As for the entire cabinet, these are the people who have to make a decision under the 25th Amendment. If you are not familiar with the cabinet, behold the diversity. Come to think of it, the minority of white males is not much to brag about either.

Beyond that, the Democrats have produced a vast quantity of failed local minority leaders such as Lori Lightfoot, the racist Mayor of Chicago. At least Ms. Lightfoot has experience in a combat zone.

Then there is “the Squad”, an all-female tribe of mixed ancestry that seems to hate America more than the Taliban. They basically seem to control Congress.

The gay Governor of California is incompetent and so are numerous female, black and gay prosecutors and mayors.

Understand, we really don’t care what someone’s race is or their sexual preference. We care that they are competent and honorable people who are committed to the Constitution and the interests of the American people.

However, the diversity movement argues that all testing, all experience, all education or any other measures of competence are simply the product of racism and misogyny and are, therefore, invalid as a tool for selection. It logically follows, there is no rational basis for making a choice. What is left is an irrational basis.

The criteria used are solely for political optics. It becomes a quest to find the person who looks attractive to the Democrat voter base and send the correct rainbow coalition signals, rather than a search to find the most qualified and experienced person to fill the job, regardless of their race and gender or fluidity. Do you remember when Biden said he would pick a black female for Vice President, even before the search had begun? The results of such a renunciation of the importance of experience and intelligence are self-evident.

So, the unfolding disaster is not just a disaster for Democrats. It is a disaster for the whole underpinning of the diversity movement. Diversity virtue signaling will not work with rifle butts and machine-gun fire as Afghan women are quickly finding out.

Sure, it may be tragic and people will die as a result. But at least during our downfall we can look back with pride and say, our leaders may have been jerks but we achieved diversity in failure.

CNN Praises Taliban For Wearing Masks During Attack

KABUL—Approximately twelve minutes after U.S. troops withdrew from Afghanistan, Taliban fighters have completely taken over the entire country.

“Woah, that’s a bummer,” said the Biden Administration’s foreign policy team. “We didn’t see that one coming.”

As the Taliban began its campaign of shooting and killing, as is their time-honored tradition, CNN anchors gushed with praise after noticing all the Taliban fighters were responsibly wearing masks to protect themselves and others from COVID.

“Wow! In the midst of the battle and bloodshed, these noble desert knights of Islamic superiority are wearing masks! Bravo!” said Brian Stelter.

TV anchor and world-renown polemicist Don Lemon was also quick to weigh in. “All things considered, we ought to be praising the COVID-safe masks these majestic mujahideen warriors are wearing,” he said.

“They are showing all of us the proper way to behave during a pandemic—something those horrible idiot Trump supporters don’t seem to get.”

Inspired by their example, the Biden Administration has invited the Taliban to the White House to record TikTok videos in hopes of convincing Trump supporters to get vaccinated.

RELATED POLITICAL SATIRE:

‘Rumors That The Taliban Have Taken Over Are Unfounded,’ Says Jen Psaki Wearing Hijab

Biden Administration Deploys Elite Squad Of TikTok Influencers To Stop Taliban

Taliban Enjoys Deep Belly Laugh Over Diversity Training Materials Left Behind By U.S. Military

Biden Demands Whoever The President Is Take Full Responsibility For This Mess

Promising Next Careers For The Now Unemployed Andrew Cuomo

EDITORS NOTE: This political satire column by The Babylon Bee is republished with permission. ©All rights reserved.

The Future Of Woke Investing

“Environment, Social and Governance” is a confusing mouthful of terms, but it’s the driving force behind making American businesses compliant to the left-wing agenda. As Justin Danhof, Esq., recently noted, it’s a “wildly important topic that’s not talked about enough.”

Justin — who until recently was Director of the National Center’s Free Enterprise Project (FEP) and now serves as the National Center’s Executive Vice President — made that assertion during the Competitive Enterprise Institute’s online panel discussion entitled “The Future of Environmental, Social, and Governance (ESG) Investing.” During the discussion – which also included Jennifer J. Schulp of the Cato Institute, Andrew Stuttaford of National Review, and CEI’s Richard Morrison – panelists dove into an analysis of moves by the U.S. Securities and Exchange Commission (SEC) that might result in effective federal enforcement of ESG investor goals. More importantly, the discussion addressed whether the government can be trusted to do this oversight with objectivity – and how this might affect investments, production, and the workforce.

Noting that FEP was an early opponent of this woke stakeholder capitalism, Justin explained how the system has developed:

We peeled back the layers of the onion and wondered why so many American corporations seemed to be aligned with the political left… And we realized that liberal affinity groups – from unions to PETA to Greenpeace to actual asset managers and leftist states’ pension funds like New York and California – were all invading this space to invest in corporate America and push what are known as ESG policies.

In describing what the Biden Administration is now doing to aid the left, Justin said it is a “name and shame game” in which the SEC may require companies to report on their ESG compliance. Such metrics, he said, create a “marker” that will be used by leftist shareholder activists to shame companies not considered woke enough and to demand further compliance over time:

If you’re not on the right side of the marker, then you’re going to be shamed to move in your corporate action.

This is a contradiction of what Justin said should be the real mission of the government agency:

What the SEC standards should be and have been and should remain is material. That is, “what information is material to me as an investor in this company?” And the construct of the board of directors’ skin surface characteristics – that’s not important to me. Whether we pledge to be carbon neutral by 2035 is not important to me. But that’s what the SEC is going down the road to do.

Watch the entire CEI panel discussion.

*****

This article was published on August 7, 2021 and is reproduced with permission from The National Center for Public Policy Research.

Crowd Lays Down Path Of MyPillows As Trump Triumphantly Rides Donkey Into D.C.

WASHINGTON, D.C.—Donald J. Trump was seen riding what appeared to be a donkey in the slow lane of Interstate 95 before taking the 395 North then exiting into downtown Washington, D.C., thus fulfilling the prophecy, “Behold, thy Orange King cometh unto thee, meek, meeker than all others, the meekest maybe, and sitting upon an ass, that he kicketh ass and draineth swamps.”

President Trump was welcomed by patriots of all creeds, races, and religions, who lay before him palm fronds from Mar-a-Lago, tattered Trump 2020 flags, and MyPillows®, guaranteed the most comfortable pillows you’ll ever own™. The multitude then followed Trump, crying “Hosanna to the son of Fred,” which rolled off the tongue as if sung by angels.

Trump gladly spoke to the press, which the humbled journalists found refreshing. “You would not believe how I got this donkey, which I’ve named ‘Rigged Election,’ by the way,” said the 45th and 47th President. “I just sent Giuliani to the neighboring village, where he saw an ass tied alongside a colt, to bring it to me. Today is probably the most prophetic day in history, as far as I know.”

When President Trump entered the White House to kick the interloper to the curb, Biden was nowhere to be found. They did find Kamala Harris locked in her soundproof office, and a naked, dazed Hunter Biden smearing fingerpaint on one of the priceless historical paintings. A silver alert has been issued for the former president, who was last seen in the National Mall talking to the trees.

Trump autographed the donkey and plans to sell it to the highest bidder.

RELATED POLITICAL SATIRE:

Biden Hoping This Whole ‘Politicians Resigning For Sexual Harassment’ Thing Doesn’t Catch On

Hateful White Men Question How Hateful They Really Are

After Resigning For Sexual Harassment, Cuomo Immediately Hired By CNN

Masks Thrown In The Pacific Mutate Into Giant Monster To Terrorize California

Students Across America Excited To Finally Return To In-Person Indoctrination

The Babylon Bee Presents: A Back-To-School Shopping List For Your Liberal Child

EDITORS NOTE: This political satire column by The Babylon Bee is republished with permission. ©All rights reserved.

The New York Times’ Integrity In Reporting

VIRUS QUANDARY

I hope today finds you well.  It sure has been a busy summer so far.  Were you able to make it to Barack Hussein’s, for his birthday gala?  I believe all guests were given dispensation from the revered “Dr.” Fauci, as far as mask mandates were concerned.  I believe the term “sophisticated vaccinated people”, was used to describe these obviously superior guests, by your sister outlet CNN.  Great coverage on that super spreader event up in Sturgis South Dakota though.  It seems the delta variant is able to distinguish between “sophisticated vaccinated people”, and those from the dredges of society.  Quite a clever little virus we have here, eh Deano?  President Trump is a racist.

OFFICER ELLA FRENCH (REST IN PEACE)

I have not seen much coverage in regards to the murder of Chicago Police Officer Ella French in your award winning publication.  I have been away, but when I searched your award winning publication, I could not find any coverage at all.  This can’t be right?  I remember you had nonstop coverage of the death of that citizen George Floyd.  You see the quandary here, don’t you Deano?

A law enforcement friend was asking for some specifics.  Will a gold coffin be offered for Officer French?  Will all major news networks and media outlets be covering the funeral of Officer French?  Will there be any giant murals put up in major cities (possibly on the side of The Times)?  Finally will the family of Officer French receive $27,000,000 for her murder?  Has anyone reached out to the murderers Mother to get comment?  Or is she still in Police custody due to her own attack against Police.  Just asking for a friend, Deano.

JOEY BEING JOEY

Joey is knocking it out of the park daily.  He is showing the whole world his incredible decision making acuity.  Simply breathtaking.  He is threatening to withhold money from the terrorist organization the Taliban, as they run wild in Afghganistan. Wait, does that mean we are subsidizing a terrorist organization Deano?  I don’t remember any administration bargaining or funding terrorists before, do you Deano?  As we speak, Joey is sending 3,000 troops BACK to Afghanistan, to try and save the US Embassy.  No need to worry though, Joey reached out to Taliban leaders to ask them not to attack the Embassy, as they obliterate the rest of Afghanistan.  So, we have that to fall back on.  Well, that’s Joey for ya.  When asked to comment, he was busy eating a waffle cone with his favorite ice cream, that “Dr.” Jill bought for him.  She promised him if he was a good boy, and he didn’t take any questions from the press, he could have a cone.  It is so charming to see her wiping away the ice cream from Joey’s chin with a napkin.

How about Joey calling OPEC, asking for more oil due to demand?  So far, Joey has made us go from energy independent to energy dependent, by handcuffing American corporations and pipelines.  I don’t know about you Deano, but I enjoy paying over 40% more at the pump.  Not to mention the grocery store, that is a whole other story.  So, ease up radical right, who doesn’t mind some inflation.

Finally, the border crisis has hit an over 20 year milestone.  The highest number of illegal aliens crossing the border in 21 years was hit last month.  Bravo Joey, bravo.  The administration is blaming this on the ubiquitous “root causes.”  Now, how can any rational person argue with that, huh Deano.  President Trump is a racist.
How’s that Delta variant thingy working out down there?  Good thing our kids have to wear masks.  Great policy Joey, or does the credit go to the border czar Kamala?

So much is happening everyday with Joey and the gang.  Of course, the radical right is saying Joey and the gang, namely Schumer, Pelosi, the squad and the like, are intentionally trying to destroy the United States.  They point to these absolutely moronic policies under a cognitively challenged and socialist/communist regime. Mostly enacted out of spite, to reverse the successful policies of President Trump. They also point out that this circus is on full display for the entire world!  China, Russia, North Korea, etc must be salivating.  They are saying this administration is nothing short of treasonous. When they tried to reach out to Joey, he was still MIA.  It seems the secret service is still looking for him as he got lost trying to find the entrance to the White House.  He was last seen wandering around in the rose bushes.

Well, if Joey does get impeached due to his embarrassing ineptitude, he can always go back to his old job.  You know, when he was driving those 18 wheelers.  I mean the man does it all!  I do think though, that you need a CDL license to do that, and there is no record of this apparently.  The records must have gotten lost, after all, it is not like Joey to lie.

GOODBYE ANDY!

Lastly, we bid a sad goodbye to New York’s favorite son Andy Cuomo.  He was not able to fight this witch hunt any longer.  He sadly, will be gone in about 2 weeks.  I understand he may be recruiting Hillary to destroy……sorry, I mean gather evidence to fight a possible impeachment.  We will no longer be able to see that smiling face at his daily press conferences (Emmy award worthy).  Maybe Andy can apply his litigation skills in unison with Roberta Kaplan over at the renowned Times Up organization.  Wait a minute………I believe Roberta had to resign as she worked with the lovely Melissa DeRosa, and Andy to smear the women who accused Andy boy of sexual harassment/abuse.  Now, how ironic is that Deano?  Well, Joey said , “Andy must resign“ (no mention of Tara Reade, I understand).  Then later said, “Andy did a hell of a job.”  I understand “Dr.” Jill was furious, and you guessed it…….no waffle cone that day.  She later caved to Joey’s whining and gave him a couple of fig newtons while tucking him in.

Have you been able to keep up with all this from Larchmont Ca. Deano.  I understand it is a lovely, tony, non-diverse community.  Good for you Deano, good for you.  Keep up the unbiased, apolitical, objective, HONEST reporting.  What an example for our children.  Your family must be so proud.

©Christopher Cirino. All rights reserved.

Here’s A Comprehensive List Of All The Socialist Countries That Haven’t Turned Into A Totalitarian Hellscape Where You Have To Eat Your Dog

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

RELATED POLITICAL SATIRE:

Rest Of Country Holds Recall Election On State Of California

Dr. Fauci Runs Into Village Screaming That A Wolf Is Coming To Devour Us All Again

Oregon High Schools Stop Teaching Reading So Kids Won’t Be Influenced By Thomas Sowell Books

Under New Eviction Moratorium Rules, Capitol Hill Rioters Allowed To Reside In Nancy Pelosi’s Office

‘What If Captain Marvel Were A Stay-At-Home Mom?’ And 9 More What If? Episodes Coming Soon To Disney+

Biden Says He Is ‘Checking’ Whether Constitution Allows Him To Seize Means Of Production

EDITORS NOTE: This political satire column by The Babylon Bee is republished with permission. ©All rights reserved.

Start Freaking Out: Here Are 10 New Variants You Should Be Super Worried About

At The Babylon Bee, we take your health seriously. So, we hired a doctor who was sitting in the gutter outside our California offices. He even had a lab coat and that big disc thing on top of his head. He also had a card that said “I am a real doctor.” Anyway, he warned us about these ten variants that are hitting the U.S. soon:

1. The Biden Variant – Causes the infected to babble like a senile old man and wander around aimlessly.

2. The Fauci Variant – Causes the infected to say contradictory statements every other sentence. Also diarrhea.

3. The Last Jedi Variant – Promises to be extremely deadly, then subverts your expectations and is really disappointing.

4. The Inverted Tombstone Piledriver Variant – Flips you upside down and backward then drives your skull into the mat from the top rope. Also diarrhea.

5. The AOC Variant – Causes a drop in intelligence but will slightly improve your dance moves.

6. The Lambda Complex Variant – This variant may trigger a resonance cascade scenario, causing our world to be invaded by aliens from the planet Xen. Also, the infected can’t count to 3.

7. COVID 1619 – Experts claim this variant was actually founded in 1619 by racist white men. Causes white supremacy and colorblindness. Also vomiting.

8. The Updog Variant – This one is really serious. Go ask your dad what it is.

9. The Kamala Harris Variant – This one causes you to start laughing at inappropriate times.

10. The Snyder Variant – Symptoms last twice as long as the original COVID-19. An interesting variant, although ultimately still a bit of a mess.

Stay home, stay safe! Forever!

EDITORS NOTE: This political satire column by The Babylon Bee is republished with permission. ©All rights reserved.

Ron DeSantis Says Teachers Who Ask Kids To Wear Masks Will Be Thrown Into The Gator Pond

TALLAHASSEE, FL—With all the evil Democrats and namby-pamby Republicans around the country making innocent kids wear masks against their will, one courageous state governor, Ron DeSantis, is putting his foot down. He has just signed an order decreeing that all teachers who make kids wear masks will be thrown in the gator pond.

“Now THAT is how you fight back!” said all the conservative commentators in the country in unison.

“Listen, I’m just not gonna stand for it,” said DeSantis in his classic Desantis average mannerisms and average adult male voice inflection. “We haven’t used the alligator pond for a while, but maybe it’s time to bring that back.”

The audience clapped and cheered and started chanting “Throw them in! Throw them in!”

State police have now removed the cover from the gator pond in preparation for throwing teachers in it.

“Not only can we not teach CRT, we can’t put masks on kids!” said one teacher in one of her daily TikTok videos. “I have nothing to live for anymore! DeSantis is Hitler!”

She was then chucked into the gator pond in keeping with last week’s executive order prohibiting teachers from making TikTok videos.

RELATED POLITICAL SATIRE:

Start Freaking Out: Here Are 10 New Variants You Should Be Super Worried About

Planned Parenthood Announces They Will Now Vaccinate Unborn Babies Before Killing Them

Republicans And Democrats Finally Brought Together By Chance To Spend Your Money

EDITORS NOTE: This political satire column by The Babylon Bee is republished with permission. ©All rights reserved.

After Resigning For Sexual Harassment, Cuomo Immediately Hired By CNN

ATLANTA, GA—Former Governor Andrew Cuomo has resigned in disgrace amid accusations of sexual harassment, but the sky is still the limit for his career, as CNN immediately hired him under a multi-million-dollar contract.

As soon as CNN learned the man was credibly accused of sexual harassment, they scooped him up to be an on-air personality.

“Between his ability to lie through his teeth, cover up atrocities, and sexually harass women, we think Mr. Cuomo will be a perfect fit for our company culture here at CNN,” said CNN President Jeff Zucker. “What a find for our cable news channel! Plus, his brother already works here, and the two have intimate knowledge of each other’s scandals. Mr. Cuomo will really hit the ground running here.”

“Welcome, Mr. Cuomo!”

At publishing time, CNN had confirmed the Cuomo brothers will star in a new show called “Super Cuomo Bros.” where they jump on seniors’ heads to murder them and throw fireballs at the elderly.

RELATED POLITICAL SATIRE:

Cuomo Resigns To Spend More Time Sexually Harassing Family

Students Across America Excited To Finally Return To In-Person Indoctrination

Biden Hoping This Whole ‘Politicians Resigning For Sexual Harassment’ Thing Doesn’t Catch On

Congress Excited To Find Out What They Just Spent $1.2 Trillion On

Public School Starts Day With Pledge Of Allegiance To Dr. Fauci

EDITORS NOTE: This political satire column by The Babylon Bee is republished with permission. ©All rights reserved.

Wrestler Stripped Of Gold Medal After Pro-USA Comments Surface

TOKYO—Olympic wrestler Tamyra Mensah-Stock was stripped of her gold medal Thursday after several of the athlete’s pro-USA comments were circulated online. A spokesman for the United States Olympic Committee (USOC) said there’s no place for that type of vulgar language in sports today.

“The United States Olympic Committee stands for pretty much the opposite of what the United States of America stands for,” the spokesman said in a prepared statement. “We have enacted a strict no-patriotism policy for the Tokyo games which all athletes are required to uphold.”

Ms. Mensah-Stock was already on probation with the USOC for failing to kneel during the national anthem. “Since her pro-USA comments were her second offense in as many days, we had no choice but to strip her of her gold medal,” the spokesman said.

Mensah-Stock’s controversial comments came in an interview immediately following her gold medal performance. “I love representing the US,” she squealed. “I freaking love living there. I love it and I’m so happy I get to represent the USA!”

For her part, Mensah-Stock says she was caught up in the moment and didn’t realize what she was saying. “I got excited and lost my head for a minute,” she said in a prepared apology as a laser dot danced around on her forehead. “As a black woman and a role model, the last thing I ever wanted to do was give the impression that I’m proud to be an American.”

RELATED POLITICAL SATIRE:

Biden Calls On Cuomo To Resign: ‘Leave Some Women For The Rest Of Us’

Liberals Praise DeBlasio For Barring 65% Of Black NYC Residents From Society

Man Getting Evicted Wishes There Were Some Way He Could Go Out And Exchange His Labor For Money To Pay Rent

Cori Bush Hires Mercenary Army To Arrest Anyone Who Doesn’t Want To Defund The Police

EDITORS NOTE: This political satire column by The Babylon Bee is republished with permission. ©All rights reserved.

Andy and Nancy

My, it has been a very busy time in the world of politics lately. I had been meaning to write you earlier, but you know how it is, with all these summer activities. Actually, I’m holding out for a last minute invite to Barack Hussein’s 60th birthday gala. I figured I could go green and share a water taxi out to the vineyard. Maybe get a group rate with Oprah, Tommy Hanks, Meryl Streep, Hillary and Bill (unless Bill will be at Epstein Island that day), Beyoncé and JZ, Stevie Spielberg, Bobby De Niro, Bruce the boss, and Cher. From what I’ve heard, Cher has been celebrating Presidential birthday parties since Woodrow Wilson’s surprise 50th.

Well, I promised you last time that I would write to you in regards to that warm and fuzzy Madam, the effervescent Nancy Pelosi. But first, I think we have to address the railroading of the “gold standard” of the pandemic, the honorable Andy Cuomo. We will circle back to Ole Nancy a little later on.

ANDY DENIES IT ALL

It pains me Deano, to see your Pulitzer Prize winning, apolitical, unbiased news outlet join the lynch mob going after New York’s favorite son, Andy Cuomo. This in conjunction with CNN’s smear campaign, who by the way employs Andy’s brother Fredo, I mean Chris. This assault by the two most trusted news outlets, is an outrage. I mean shouldn’t you be focusing on the important issues like President Trump’s tax return from 1997, or the obvious Russian collusion that caused the lovely Hillary to go down in a ball of flames. What has happened to your apolitical reporting over there at The Old Gray Lady? Very disappointing Deano.

How can such political beacons of integrity such as Chuckie Schumer, Nancy Pelosi, Jerry Nadler and the ever competent Billie Deblasio turn their backs on Andy in his time of need. When they asked Joey his opinion, he said he thinks Mario is doing a great job and will beat Ed Koch in the next election! They reached out to Kamala, but she is touring Viet Nam and incommunicado, purportedly she is eating donuts on the same anti aircraft gun that Patriot Jane Fonda posed on all those years ago. President Trump is a racist.

Well, as you can imagine the radical right is eating up all this negative coverage. They point to Andy’s video taped kissing and groping montage, that he showed after the NY attorney general Letitia James’ press conference. They referred to it as ridiculous, unhinged, and absurd—him blaming it on his parents and Italian heritage. I do have to admit though, as I am Italian, I don’t recall any events where cupping a woman’s breast under her shirt was deemed acceptable. Maybe Mario had a different set of rules for his kids, or that is an Italian custom that no one apparently knows about? I know many Italian’s are not happy with Andy boy’s explanation.

The right points out that this toxic, bullying, narcissistic behavior of Andy’s has been going on for years. It was kept in check by his squad, especially, the lovely Melissa DeRosa. Several past and present aides and representatives point out his vitriolic, volcanic attacks which invited an atmosphere of intimidation and fear. This in addition to the serial claims of sexual abuse and harassment. Published report’s even have his ex-wife Kerry Kennedy locking herself in a bathroom in fear of this hot tempered narcissistic sociopath. I think Andy may have blamed this on being Italian also.

They point out that just about every Democrat is jumping on the bandwagon attacking Andy. Well most are, those patron saints of the Democratic Party Bill and Hillary haven’t caved yet. Andy is even using ole Bill’s defense, just deny everything, fantastic strategy. Unless of course, someone shows up with a blue dress, then not so much. Maybe he could use Michael Avenatti (extortion, porn star expert) to represent him…….when is he due out of prison anyway? Better scratch that one too.

Maybe he could focus on the thousands of seniors he sent to their deaths to take the heat off the sexual assault/harassment charges? Or possibly, the fudging of the numbers on the actual death count. Or possibly, using government workers to work on his fictional novel. Or possibly, the preferential treatment his family got for covid testing early during the plandemic.

I know……..just blame all of this on being Italian. That should work. Maybe to lighten up the tension a bit, he could hand out cannolis at the impeachment trial. He could walk into the trial to the sounds of Dean Martin singing, when the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, that’s amore. After all, his brother doesn’t call him the love gov for nothing.

Finally, when is your re election endorsement coming for Andy. He needs your usual support there Deano. Also, let’s try and stay focused here, your primary job is to malign President Trump and his family, ad nauseam!

NANCY, THE DEVOUT CATHOLIC (self proclaimed)

With all the turmoil going on within the Democratic party at least we can look to the angelic, grandmotherly figure, the legendary Nancy Pelosi. I ask you Deano, is there a more warm, fuzzy and honest person in politics, or media. Oh sure, there is always Hillary, Maxine, Joy Behar, Samantha Bee (classy lady who made crude comments about the Presidents daughter). I wonder how that comment would have flown if the same reference had been made against Barack and Michael’s daughter? The only one who might give ole Nanc a run for the money is, the lovely Jen Psaki. Have you ever seen a more honest, warm individual. Shame on the right for labeling her the female Joesph Goebbels, princess of propaganda.

Look at all that has transformed in the great state of California. They now have FREE camping throughout the state from Venice beach to her home district of San Francisco. Of course, you have to avoid the feces, urine, garbage and used syringes. I think that is a small price to pay for free camping, eh Deano? President Trump is a racist!

I understand they also have a free shopping program out there in San Fran. I see some of their respectable citizens filling up bags and suitcases with goods and just walking out the door. It is even encouraged by idle security guards. Odd though Walgreens, Target and the like are closing all around the city? Is it possible that Nancy is footing the bill with her estimated net worth of $196,000,000? Bravo Nancy, giving to the less fortunate. Now I see why you call yourself a “devout Catholic.”

I understand, gas is averaging $4.50 a gallon out there in sunny California. This shouldn’t effect Nancy though, you see her husband Paul is a savvy stock investor. As a matter of fact, he exercised some stock options on the tech giant Alphabet recently. It netted him approximately $5,300,000, well done Mr. Pelosi. Coincidentally, this transaction took place one week before The House Judiciary Committee pushed antitrust bill meant to reign in the unregulated power of big tech companies………..such as Alphabet. How’s that for timing, huh Deano? When they questioned Nancy about the timing of this stock trade, she said, she knew nothing about this transaction. There is that honesty thing again, from this self proclaimed “devout Catholic.” I understand where she is coming from though, sometimes my wife may grab a $5 or $10 from my wallet and not tell me. So, we are in the same boat, I don’t know every financial transaction that goes on at home either. So, ease up radical right with your screaming of gross impropriety!

It hasn’t been all wine and roses for ole Nancy(well, maybe some wine). Recently there was a dust up in the Oval Office from unidentified sources. It seemed Nancy was to meet with Joey for some afternoon TV and snacks, in her case $13 pints of gourmet ice cream. Well, her and Joey got into it over what show they where going to watch. She wanting to watch Judge Judy and Joey wanting to watch his go to show, Matlock. Well, tempers flared and shouting ensued. By then, Doctor Jill came rushing in and put an end to it and gave them both a time out! So she laid out POTUS AND SOTH blankets for a nap and gave them their nightcaps. Well, after about an hour they woke up, in a much better mood. Nancy took her teeth out of the glass holding them, and dove into some Rocky Road (her favorite, we’re told). Joey had his usual jello and fig newtons with milk, then they came to a compromise; they would watch Murder She Wrote. We are told Nancy especially likes this show as she used to babysit Angela Landsbury, when she was in college.

Nancy is hard at work trying to get the roughly $1,000,000,000,000 infrastructure bill passed. She has recently said this will not pass unless the radical right votes in her additional $3,500,000,000,000 “infrastructure bill.” They would both be passed or neither would be passed, she declared.

When is the radical right going to realize that child tax credits, child care, paid family leave, the Dream act, a Civilian Climate Corps, Medicare expansion, amnesty for illegal aliens, mileage gas tax, advance racial equity and environmental justice, eliminate racial and gender inequities, etc, etc, etc, etc ……..are obviously considered infrastructure. Come on man, get with it Conservatives. Nancy has aligned herself with some of the most reasonable and respected representatives such as Bernie Sanders and AOC. Especially AOC, because she brokered that deal to bring all those jobs to New York with that Amazon deal……….wait, wait we better scratch that one. In all fairness to AOC, I don’t think they teach those sort of things in Bartender school.

Well, that is it for today Deano. Any chance that you are going to Barack Hussein’s birthday bash? I was wondering, if I do get my invite, could I grab a lift in your limo. Or, if you like we could split an Uber together? Or will you be out in the tony diverse town of Larchmont California, where your estate is? Anyway, hope to see you there, maybe we can get an anti Trump chant with the ever even keeled Bobby DeNiro. I would love to find out if he is doing a sequel to his masterpiece The Intern, my personal favorite, or perhaps a sequel Dirty Grandpa?

Keep up the honest, apolitical, unbiased reporting there Deano. It must make you very proud to look at that front page of yours everyday. Let the others spew their propaganda, unlike them, you have no political agenda. Thank goodness for credible outlets like The Times and of course CNN. Your integrity knows no bounds. Just a fantastic example for all of our children. Well done Deano, we’ll done.

©Chris Cirino. All rights reserved.

VIDEO: Home COVID Test!

Since it was recently revealed by the CDC that the existing COVID tests don’t discriminate between the CCP Virus (Covid) and any other strain of the Flu this seems a better test to me.

©This political satire video is republished with permission. All rights reserved.

Pelosi Says She Will Arrest Any Congressperson Caught With Copy Of The Constitution

WASHINGTON, D.C.—Nancy Pelosi announced today that she will strictly be enforcing her anti-Constitution rule at the Capitol and that any congressperson caught carrying a copy of the document will be arrested.

“I’ve instructed Capitol Police to arrest anyone with this dangerous document,” she said. “It has harmful misinformation in there about how you can just go about doing whatever you want, which is against the public health. This is for your own good. Anyone with the documents will be arrested and sent to jail without trial, as this is a public health emergency.”

Experts applauded the move, praising Pelosi’s courage to “do whatever is needed” to protect the public from all the infectious freedoms that have been proven by the experts to spread infection. “The Founding Fathers could have never foreseen people getting sick and dying,” said the experts. “We’re sure they’d totally understand the need to scrap the Constitution in this instance.”

Luckily, no Democrats or Republicans were caught with a copy of the Constitution.

RELATED POLITICAL SATIRE:

Hero: Obama Holds Superspreader Event On Climate Change-Endangered Property To Show People What Not To Do

Experts Warn Of New ‘Cuomo’ Variant That Is Dangerous To Young Women, Fatal To Elderly

Biden Scrambles To Renew Eviction Moratorium Before Kamala Harris Throws Him Out Of White House

Man Rooting Against His Kid’s Sports Team So He Can Go Home And Enjoy Rest Of His Saturday

Kamala Harris Combats High Unfavorability By Releasing All The Children She Has Imprisoned In Her Gingerbread House

EDITORS NOTE: This political satire column by The Babylon Bee is Republished with permission. ©All rights reserved.

Dems Considering Another Lockdown To Wipe Out The Few Small Businesses That Survived The Last One

U.S.—Democrat governors and policymakers across the nation are considering another lockdown to wipe out the few small businesses that somehow managed to survive the previous lockdowns.

“We’ve received word that new, deadly variants of small businesses, um, I mean COVID, are popping up in spite of our best efforts to crush them forever,” said Pelosi in her classic charming way at a press conference. “We need at least one more extended lockdown so that those pesky small businesses are utterly ruined to make way for the woke mega-corporations we all know and love. Um, I mean, let’s defeat Delta variant or whatever.”

Reporters then asked her to repeat herself, as the loud rattling noises from her jewelry, or her skeleton—it was unclear which—had drowned out the sound of her voice.

According to experts, up to 6 more months of extreme lockdowns may be needed in order to kill all the remaining small businesses so companies like Walmart, Amazon, and Blackrock can swoop in and take ownership of more land and market share.

“If we do this together, as Americans, we can rid America of the scourge of small business, um, I mean COVID,” said Pelosi.

RELATED POLTICAL SATIRE:

LEAKED: Biden’s 8-Part Plan To Improve His Falling Poll Numbers

Megan Rapinoe Has Nightmare Of Winning A Medal And Having To Hear The U.S. Anthem Play

Canada Politely Apologizes For Beating U.S. Women’s Soccer Team

Australians Getting Ready To Overthrow Tyrannical Government—Wait, Nevermind, Seems They Gave Up All Their Guns

New, More Inclusive Birth Certificates Include No Unique Information

EDITORS NOTE: This political satire column by The Babylon Bee is republished with permission. ©All rights reserved.

American People Call On Capitol Police To Arrest All Of Congress Whether They’re Wearing A Mask Or Not

WASHINGTON, D.C.—The American people took to the streets on Friday to call on the Capitol Police to arrest all members of Congress whether they were wearing a mask or not.

This surprising development came two days after Nancy Pelosi announced that any House staff or visitors not wearing a mask would be prevented from entering the building, asked to leave, or be arrested.

Republican Representative Kevin McCarthy accused Speaker Pelosi of being a hypocrite when he later said, “Twice today I saw the speaker in a crowded room without a mask, less than 24 hours after imposing the mask mandate.”

Speaker Pelosi then shot back that Rep. McCarthy was a “such a moron” in an escalation of words on Thursday.

“I know you are but what am I?” shot back McCarthy.

“ENOUGH,” shouted the American people on Friday as they peacefully marched in every major American city just as they did throughout all of 2020 in every demonstration for social justice and police reform. Now they are demanding political reform through the common sense arrest and removal of all members of Congress.

At publishing time, many peaceful protesters were carrying signs which read “DEFUND CONGRESS” and “PROTECT OUR SOCIETY FROM CHILDISH SOCIOPATHS” and similar slogans.

RELATED POLITICAL SATIRE:

January 6 Witnesses Given Emmy Awards For Outstanding Performances

Biden Tells Of The Time He Drove A Corellian Freighter And Made The Kessel Run In Less Than 12 Parsecs

Scarlett Johansson Sues Disney For Not Paying Her A Living Wage For California

Scientists Warn Of New Supersized Double Mega Limited Edition Teenage Mutant Ninja Snyder Cut COVID Variant With Frickin’ Laser Cannons

CDC Still Baffled People Are Paying Attention To Them

EDITORS NOTE: This political satire column by The Babylon Bee is republished with permission. ©All rights reserved.