U.S.—Well, it looks like the 2024 presidential race is kicking off, with former (and possibly future) President Donald Trump running his first set of ads on the television screens at gas pumps across the nation.

The ads began running this week, and mostly feature the politician and real estate mogul asking people if they miss him yet. They play on a loop over and over again as people at the pumps fill up their cars, paying the highest prices they’ve paid for gas in many years.

“Miss me yet?” Trump says in the 30-second spot. “If I were you, I’d miss me. I’m the most missable person, really. Everyone says so, all the best people. I tried to warn you. I tried to warn you people what would happen. But no, you didn’t listen, and now you’re paying five bucks for gas. Sad! But I’ll take you back. One thing about me is I’m very gracious. So let’s get me back in the White House in 2024. And I’ll forgive you people. Most of you, anyway.”

The Biden campaign isn’t taking this lying down though, and is running a series of billboards near gas stations with the catchy slogan, “THE HIGH GAS PRICES ARE BECAUSE THE ECONOMY IS DOING GREAT!”

RELATED POLTICAL SATIRE:

Newsom Announces Sweepstakes Where 5 Lucky Winners Get To Move Out Of California

Reporters Cheer As Biden Takes Huge Bite Out Of Microphone Mistaking It For Ice Cream

Republicans Counter $6 Trillion Budget Proposal With Fiscally Responsible $5.9 Trillion Budget Proposal

Jan 6th Commission Canceled After Everyone Agrees Trump Won Election Fair And Square

‘At Least Our Military Was Inclusive,’ Says Conquered American Working In Chinese Prison Camp In Year 2025

EDITORS NOTE: This political satire column by The Babylon Bee is republished with permission. ©All rights reserved.

Biden, who is the most popular candidate to ever be elected president, will be a tough opponent to beat in 2024. To face Biden, the Republican Party will need to bring out their best and brightest to run for office! Here are 10 candidates we desperately hope will run.

---

Barron Trump: We don’t know much about young Barron except that he’s tall and his last name is Trump. That fulfills 2 of the 3 most important requirements to be president.

Donald Trump in disguise: Slap a mustache on that guy and see if we can sneak him back in there!

Ronald Reagan’s ghost: The great Ronald Reagan. Can we bring him back? Someone get on that.

Mike Lindell: Imagine the sleep you’d get on a MyPillow knowing that there’s enough Hydroxychloroquine — and freedom — for everyone.

Alex Jones: The man was right. About everything. Maybe Donald Trump can be VP to help mellow Alex out a little.

3 Ben Shapiros stacked on top of each other in a trenchcoat: Like we said– in order to be president, you have to be tall. That will require at least 3 Ben Shapiros. You also get 3 times the lib ownage. Great option.

An AR-15 wearing a MAGA hat: America’s enemies will never mess with us again.

“Q”: According to the latest messages from Q, he is already the shadow president and will be hauling the Dems off to jail any day now.

Metallica: We can think of nothing more awesome than having the entire heavy metal band co-presidenting the country together– with the power of ROCK.

The entire cast of Duck Dynasty: Faith, family, firearms, and the 3rd most important requirement to be president: beards.

---

Plenty of great choices to work with here. Victory is all but guaranteed! Get on it, RNC!

EDITORS NOTE: This political satire column by The Babylon Bee is republished with permission. All rights reserved.

Are voter ID laws racist? Of course. But, wait, how did this African American obtain one? Weird!

WATCH:

RELATED POLITICAL SATIRE: Lori Lightfoot Flees In Terror After Thomas Sowell Takes Her Up On Offer For Black People To Interview Her

EDITORS NOTE: This political satire video by The Babylon Bee is republished with permission. ©All rights reserved.

GAZA—BLM has expressed solidarity with Hamas and Palestine by sending organizers to protest Israel by rampaging through Gaza and burning down Palestinian-owned businesses.

“Everyone knows the best way to fight back against your oppressor is to burn down your own community,” said BLM leader Patrisse Cullors. “We here at BLM are experts at that, so we figured the least we can do is help out.”

BLM sent 500 of their best ground troops to enter Gaza at night. They immediately began looting the local shoe store and Halal market before setting fire to an apartment building.

“Free, free, Palestine! Free, free, Palestine! Black and brown lives matter!” they chanted loudly as the townspeople began to wake up.

“This seems kinda counterproductive,” said one Hamas leader. “But, if it works in America, maybe we should try it here.”

RELATED POLITICAL SATIRE:

Existing, And 6 Other Things You Didn’t Know Were Microaggressions

SpaceX Introduces New Reusable Rockets That Israel And Hamas Can Fire Back And Forth

Adam And Eve Kicked Out Of Garden Of Eden For Having Only Two Genders

‘They Won’t Make Fun Of Me Ever Again,’ Says Dr. Fauci While Designing New Virus In His Lab

Reporter Stuck To Biden’s Grill Asks Follow-Up Question

EDITORS NOTE: This political satire column by The Babylon Bee is republished with permission. ©All rights reserved.

WASHINGTON, D.C.—A spokeswoman for President Biden said Wednesday that he remains committed to rolling back all of former President Donald Trump’s policies, including peace in the Middle East. Palestinians in the West Bank voiced their collective approval by launching celebratory rockets into Israel.

“Everything President Trump did was completely wrong, so the opposite of what he did must be right,” said White House Press Secretary Jen Psaki. “Thus, the Biden administration remains committed to doing the opposite of everything Donald Trump did in the Middle East as well.”

Psaki said the administration’s new Middle East policy calls for as much violence as it takes to completely eradicate the peace brought about by Donald Trump. “The people of this region lost many good years of violence and bloodshed,” Psaki noted. “We’re going to make that up to them, even if it takes decades of war to do so.”

A reporter asked if peace in the Middle East was actually a good thing no matter which president brought it about, but Psaki rejected that notion outright. “Let’s not lose sight of the most important factor here, which is orange man bad,” she said.

Psaki then noted that the Biden administration is committed to rolling back many other Trump policies such as affordable gasoline, low unemployment rates, and general economic prosperity. “We’re going to do the opposite,” Psaki said. “All that stuff has got to go.”

RELATED POLITICAL SATIRE:

Biden Revealed To Be Robotic Human Suit Controlled By Tiny Jimmy Carter

Carter Says He’s Finally Hopeful That He Won’t Be Worst Presidential Failure In His Lifetime

Tensions Rise In Middle East As One Side Wants To Kill Jews And The Other Side Are Jews Who Don’t Want To Die And Neither Will Compromise

Psaki Reassures: ‘Inflation Completely Under Control Outside Of Food, Gas, And Housing’

EDITORS NOTE: This political satire column by The Babylon Bee is republished with permission. All rights reserved.

WASHINGTON, D.C.—President Biden proposed a $2 trillion spending bill Monday for the purpose of determining the cause of rising inflation. This is Biden’s fourth proposed $2 trillion bill in as many months.

“The cause of inflation is a major concern for all Americans,” Biden told reporters. “Rest assured, your government is committed to spending however much taxpayer money it takes to get to the bottom of this malarkey!”

According to Biden, the cause of the rapid increase in inflation has been baffling his economic experts for weeks. “All we know is that some mysterious event happened around January 20th which caused inflation to skyrocket out of control,” Biden said. “We don’t know what that event was exactly, but we do suspect President Trump was involved somehow. And maybe Russia.”

Biden noted that his willingness to spend trillions to study the problem shows just how seriously he takes the threat of inflation. “I can’t remember the last time anyone proposed a $2 trillion spending bill to Congress,” he stated. “I mean that honestly: I can’t remember. Say, what were we talking about again?”

In the meantime, officials from the US Treasury as well as the CDC have advised the public to start carrying double wallets to protect their money and help slow the spread of inflation.

RELATED POLITICAL SATIRE:

With Birthing Person’s Day Over, Families Prepare For Lawnmowing Person’s Day

To Honor Willie Mays, Nancy Pelosi Accidentally Shares Image Of Carl From The Simpsons

Bounty On Groot Skyrockets Due To Spike In Lumber Prices

Tired of Your Perfect Marriage?

EDITORS NOTE: This political satire column by The Babylon Bee is republished with permission. ©All rights reserved.

BURBANK, CA—Disney confirmed today that all releases of The Empire Strikes Back will be rereleased with Darth Vader delivering his iconic line “No — I am your father!” as “No — I am your non-birthing person!”

The change will be more inclusive to non-binary people, who all love Star Wars, though most of them have only seen The Last Jedi. But Disney is hopeful this will get these new loyal fans to watch the rest of the movies and buy more merchandise.

“Think about all the trans people who have had to watch Empire and suffer in silence as Vader uses the word ‘father,'” said Kathleen Kennedy. “We all know that the main thing people love about Star Wars is the love, inclusion, and… harmony? I think harmony is in Star Wars. Also dinosaurs. I’m not sure, I’ve never watched a Star War. But that is what I am told.”

Not to be outdone, Warner Bros. will release a new Inclusive Cut of the Director’s Cut of Batman vs. Superman, where Batperson is stunned to find out that Superperson’s birthing person’s name is also Martha.

RELATED POLITICAL SATIRE:

Liberals Replace Offensive Term ‘Woman’ With ‘Child Factory Who Bleeds’

Chinese Rocket Breaks Apart Revealing Inspirational Fortune Inside

EDITORS NOTE: This political satire column by The Babylon Bee is republished with permission. ©All rights reserved.

WASHINGTON, D.C.—According to anonymous sources, the CIA has replaced enhanced interrogation techniques such as waterboarding with something even more torturous and effective: 12-hour academic lectures on intersectional feminism.

“Waterboarding has been shown to be very effective,” said the anonymous source. “But that’s been replaced now. Now we just pop in a tape of Robin DiAngelo, Stacey Abrams, or Joy Behar. Sometimes we’ll really ramp things up and make them watch Coca-Cola’s diversity training on a 12-hour loop.”

Terror suspects will be subjected to lengthy lectures about cis-male privilege, heteronormative patriarchy, and microaggressive mansplaining. Sources say these lectures are 1,282% more effective than regular old waterboarding.

Critics have criticized the new interrogation method, saying that such cruel torture should be limited only to American universities.

RELATED POLITICAL SATIRE:

CIA Breaks Up ISIS Plot To Use Incorrect Pronouns

7 Keys To Being A Feminist Husband

SNL Writers Denigrate Successful African-American Businessman

EDITORS NOTE: This political satire column by The Babylon Bee is republished with permission. ©All rights reserved.

WASHINGTON, D.C.—In the wake of a black man from the South expressing optimism about race in America, outraged liberals across the nation are doing everything in their power to crush that kind of positive thinking before it really gets out of hand.

“Look, black people are great and all, but they aren’t allowed to disagree with us,” explained Senator Chuck Schumer. “It’s pretty simple. Any black person who has the nerve to disagree with us is just a dumb puppet for white people. Or, as our great President once said, they aren’t even black! Now, we need liberals everywhere to remind Senator Scott that America is terrible and there is simply no way for black people to succeed without the graces of kindly Democrats. Leftist mob – assembllllllllle!”

White progressives answered the bell, crashing the airwaves with messages touting their unmatched racism. “How could a silly Senator say something like that?” laughed Jimmy Kimmel as he finished cleaning off his blackface. “I know so much more about racism than a black man from the South, especially one whose grandparents picked cotton. Don’t worry, I’ll perform a hilarious monologue for white liberals about how dumb it is for a black man to think our country is good – that will really put him back in his place!”

If being taunted by people on Twitter and humorless monologues from guys wearing blackface don’t work, Democrats claim they have other tricks up their sleeves. Ideas include bringing back school segregation, teaching elementary-aged kids that America is racist, threatening corporations with repercussions if they don’t teach employees that white people are evil, fanning flames of division between black neighborhoods and police, pushing the theory in universities that our skin color is our primary identity, flinging accusations of racism in every policy argument, and making claims that voting policies supported by the majority of black Americans are really Jim Crow, amongst others.

Sources say that Senator Scott doesn’t watch Kimmel and doesn’t care about Twitter trolls, and so far believes exactly what he believed on Wednesday: that our sin is not the end of the story.

RELATED POLITICAL SATIRE:

MLB Umpire Ejects Catcher For Making Multiple Racist Gestures

Civil War Soldiers Glad They Didn’t Live Long Enough To Experience Horrors Of The January 6th Capitol Riot

Elizabeth Warren Barred From Entering Country Thanks To Travel Ban On Indians

Biden Admits His First 100 Days Were A Failure Since America Hasn’t Been Completely Destroyed Yet

EDITORS NOTE: This political satire column by The Babylon Bee is republished with permission. ©All rights reserved.

WASHINGTON, D.C.—After Senator Tim Scott said America is no longer a racist country, Democrats scrambled to prove him wrong. They quickly devastated his argument by going into storage and dusting off their old KKK hoods, which they then donned to show him just how racist America actually is.

“If America isn’t racist, would we be wearing these? Checkmate!” said Nancy Pelosi triumphantly as she solemnly put on the white hood. “Your move, Republicans.”

Chuck Schumer also put on a hood, having borrowed it from the Museum of Democratic History in D.C.

“My colleague is right — if we weren’t racist as Senator Tim Scott suggested, why would we put on these white hoods with no political repercussions whatsoever? It’s clear as day: America is racist.” Schumer went on to propose reenacting Jim Crow laws in order to dunk on Senator Scott and prove his argument “completely without merit.”

“Senator Scott is truly an ‘Uncle Tim’ after all.”

“Furthermore, we will begin instituting separate but equal Senate chambers for senators of color. Just to show them how racist America still is.” Reporters applauded Schumer for his bold move toward equality by saying and doing really racist things to show that America is still racist.

Pelosi and Schumer assured everyone they were wearing a smug look of being proven right on their faces, though you couldn’t tell. Because of the hoods.

RELATED POLITICAL SATIRE:

Washington Post Calls Biden A ‘Very Catholic President Who Worships Satan’

‘Who Are You? Where Are My Pills?’ Says Biden In Dynamic Speech Echoing All Of America’s Concerns

For Health Of White Girl Community, Biden Bans Pumpkin Spice Frappuccinos

Johnson And Johnson Rolls Out New ‘No More Clots’ Vaccine

EDITORS NOTE: This political satire column by The Babylon Bee is republished with permission. ©All rights reserved.