Cartels Give Biden Another ‘Human Trafficker Of The Month’ Award

WASHINGTON, D.C.—A group of cartel members presented Joe Biden with its prestigious “Human Trafficker of the Month” award today, marking the third month in a row the new president has received the award.

Democrat presidents are constant recipients of the honor, usually winning the award many dozens of times throughout their time in office, and Biden appears to be no exception so far. The award honors an individual who does a great job at ensuring that thousands more children and vulnerable Central American and Mexican residents will be smuggled across the border each and every day. The cartel cited Biden’s immigration policies and disastrous handling of the border crisis as key factors in their decision to give the award to him once again.

“El Presidente Biden es muy bueno!” said one narco as he handed Biden the plaque. “We thank you, Mr. President, for your lax border policies and promises of free money for migrants that is allowing us to smuggle them across the border in record numbers. You are truly a friend to the cartel.” The drug kingpin then pulled out his revolver and fired it into the air, a custom that represents bestowing honor and praise upon an individual in the cartel community — usually reserved for drug dealers who have an exceptionally good month.

Biden thanked them for the award and then got his phone out to play “Despacito” in their honor.

EDITORS NOTE: This political satire column by The Babylon Bee is republished with permission. ©All rights reserved.

Biden Says If Everyone Is On Their Best Behavior He Might Allow Some Limited Freedoms On July 4

WASHINGTON, D.C.—In his address to the nation yesterday, President Joe Biden said if everyone is very good this year, he’ll allow Americans to have some limited freedoms on July 4.

“If you are all good boys and girls, we can have a few freedoms back on the fourth of July,” he said. “It’ll be a nice treat for doing such a good job listening. Who’s a good boy? You are, Americans!”

Some of the freedoms Biden says Americans will be granted will include the following:

  • Gathering in small groups of 1-3
  • Enjoying barbecued food as long as it’s covered in hand sanitizer
  • Shouting “Freedom!” as long as you shout quieter than you speak and everyone is wearing masks
  • Launching government-approved fireworks that don’t spread too much celebration and freedom
  • Waving flags as long as they aren’t the American flag

Americans say they are very excited by the prospect of maybe being able to celebrate some limited freedoms this year as long as they are on their best behavior. “Thanks, government!” said one man in New York. “I’m going to do my best to follow the rules so that maybe the government will let me have some very limited liberties this year!”

“That’s what Independence Day is all about!”


Cartels Give Biden Another ‘Human Trafficker Of The Month’ Award

Party That Screamed About Fascism For Last Four Years Cheers As Military Attacks Journalist

Powerful: Military To Allow Troops To Replace Camo With Colors Of Their Gender Identity Flag

Cuomo Invites All Accusers To Come Forward And Gather In New York Nursing Home

2021’s Highest Paying Cash Back Card Is Here

Surviving WW2 Veteran Recounts Harrowing Story Of The Lack Of Trans Representation On D-Day

EDITORS NOTE: This political satire column by The Babylon Bee is republished with permission. ©All rights reserved.

Here Are The 7 Telltale Signs Your Newborn Baby Is A Racist

Have you or a loved one had a baby recently? We hate to say this, but you may have just brought a white supremacist into the world.

Don’t worry though– we’re here to help! It’s important to always look for clues of racist tendencies in your newborn so you can nip that in the bud! Here are the troubling 7 signs:

He’s white, which automatically makes him racist: If your newborn is white, then sorry– its game over. Your baby will be irredeemably racist forever. Sad.

Completely illiterate, just like most Nazis: What? Your newborn can’t read? Then he’s probably been radicalized by alt-right personalities on YouTube.

No hair, which is a common Neo-Nazi hairstyle: Is your baby a skinhead? Having no hair is a colossal red flag. If your newborn is bald, make him wear a wig until his hair grows in.

Enjoys bedtime stories written by notorious racist Dr. Seuss: Books by Dr. Seuss are a gateway drug to literally burning crosses in people’s front yards. Teach your child to burn those books instead.

Shows his white fragility by crying all the time: Crying is a sure sign of defensiveness and fear of honest conversations around race. Not good!

Refuses to say “black lives matter”: Seriously– what’s so hard about saying “black lives matter”? If instead, he says things like “goo goo ga ga”, this is even more troubling. The phrase “goo goo ga ga” has 10 letters in it. Do you know what else has 10 letters? “Heil Hitler.”

Shows colorblindness by playing with other kids regardless of race: Color blindness is racist. Minorities need their own separate spaces without white invaders. Decolonize your playtime, Mom and Dad!

If you remain vigilant, you may play a part in preventing another baby from becoming racist! Unless he’s white, of course.

NOT SATIRE: Are you looking for wholesome children’s books? Check out these Christian-based children’s books written by Dr. Izzo. They are the only Christian children’s board books made in the USA! Pick up a copy of God Spoke and Easter Bunny, Easter Bunny today!


American Patriots Dump Harry And Meghan Into Boston Harbor

10,000th Victim Comes Forward To Accuse Cuomo Of Inappropriately Killing Her Grandma

CDC Recommends Double-Caging Children At Border For Extra Safety

New York Times: ‘Journalists Should Be Able To Destroy People’s Lives Without Fear Of Harassment’

Liberal Obediently Awaits CDC Instructions On Whether It’s OK For Him To Breathe

‘The End Is Near!’ Cries Crazed Left-Wing Conspiracy Theorist Predicting Apocalyptic Return Of Trump Rioters Any Day Now

EDITORS NOTE: This political satire column by The Babylon Bee is republished with permission. ©All rights reserved.

After Long Day Of Burning Books, Progressive Unwinds By Calling People Nazis

PORTLAND, OR—It’s been a busy day for progressive Stuart Garner. After spending most of the day fighting to have certain books banned and trying to stop unfettered free speech, he wound down by accusing those opposed to him of being Nazis.

“There’s just so much to do,” Garner said. “There are all these books no one should be allowed to read, and yet bookstores keep selling them. And then people say lots of dangerous, unregulated things, and it all needs to be taken offline. But of course, we have these Nazis against such things saying, ‘People should be able to buy whatever books they like and say what they think.’ Typical Nazi rhetoric.”

The situation has gotten so dire that Garner has sometimes turned to destruction of property and attacking people to get his way. “We have to stop all this problematic stuff by whatever means necessary. But you know what Nazis think of political violence. They hate it.”

Garner worries that there are too many Nazis out there — probably because they didn’t ban books and regulate speech quickly enough. He’s starting to wonder if the only way to fight them will be to round them up and reeducate them. “Of course I can hear those Nazis now,” he added. “‘You can’t round people up into camps.’ Those Nazis are the worst.”


Meghan Markle Inspires Millions Of Young Girls With Message That No Matter How Famous, Rich, And Powerful They Are, They Will Always Be Oppressed

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Man Glad He’s American So He Doesn’t Have To Pretend To Care About Royal Family

Jeep Sues Cherokee Tribe To Force Them To Change Their Name

Woman Escapes The Patriarchy To Find Freedom In Grueling 80-Hour Work Week

EDITORS NOTE: This political satire column by The Babylon Bee is republished with permission. ©All rights reserved.

Governor Cuomo Capitalizes On Sex Scandal With New Romance Novel

ALBANY, NY—Governor Andrew Cuomo has found himself in the middle of a sex scandal. When he found himself in hot water last year, though, for killing a bunch of seniors, he released a book about it. So, he called up his literary agent and quickly got a book proposal together. He landed a cool seven-figure deal in no time, and you can now pick up Hot New York Nights wherever books are sold.

The book follows the tale — and tail — of a domineering New York state governor who grabs women on the face and asks them if they’d like to be kissed. Steamy passages detail the governor’s escapades with multiple women as he hits on them, forces them to kiss him, and pressures them for favors across New York’s thriving nightclub scene. Finally, Cuomo and one of the women find some alone time in a recently vacated nursing home, and their passions overtake them.

Reviewers everywhere praised the work as groundbreaking, saying it renewed their love affair with the media’s darling governor. “Honestly, I couldn’t put this thing down!” said Brian Stelter, red in the face. “Is it hot in here? It’s like, my, oh my! Just when you think it’s finally cooling down, the book keeps ramping things up. Hot, hot, hot!”

Cuomo is up for a National Book Award, a second Emmy, and a Nobel Peace Prize for his work on the novel.


Ebay Pulls ‘Mein Kampf’ Upon Discovery Hitler Doodled Chinese Man With Chopsticks In Margins

In New Dr. Seuss Book, Cat In The Hat Gives Kids Puberty Blockers While Their Mother Isn’t Home

Progressive Surprised To Learn He Can Still Wear Mask Even Without Government Forcing Him To

Study Finds Book Burners Always Stop With Just A Few Fringe Books, So There’s Nothing To Worry About

EDITORS NOTE: This political satire column by The Babylon Bee is republished with permission. ©All rights reserved.

Experts Warn Lifting Mask Mandates Could Contribute To Dangerous Spread Of Freedom

U.S.—Experts have issued a dire warning to the nation that the lifting of mask mandates, business closures, and capacity limits in Texas and Mississippi could contribute to the spread of liberty across the nation.

“As states like Texas begin to lift their mandates, we could be seeing a deadly outbreak of freedom, liberty, and personal responsibility all across the nation,” said Dr. Andy Patton of MIT. “We’re really not encouraged by the numbers here.”

“I’m worried other states will see this. People will start thinking they are supposed to take responsibility for their own health and their own decisions. And that’s just not what America is about.”

In a sweeping consensus, scientists all agreed that one state finally ending its unconstitutional mandates could lead to other states doing the same. Consequences could be severe, ranging from people doing what they want and just living their lives, to the populace attaining herd immunity and making government action on the pandemic irrelevant.

California and New York quickly responded to the declaration with emergency bans on importing any freedom from Texas, Mississippi, Florida, or South Dakota.


Estimated 9 Billion Already Dead From Texas Mask Mandate Reversal

Mississippi Lifts Mask Mandates, Reminding Everyone They Are A State That Exists

Biden Announces All Bombs Used In The Middle East Will Be Purchased From Black-Owned Businesses

Report: Women In Hell Still Trying To Turn Up The Thermostat

EDITORS NOTE: This political satire column by The Babylon Bee is republished with permission. ©All rights reserved.

Women’s History Month Canceled For Implying There Is Such A Thing As ‘Women’

U.S.—Leftist protesters began to riot, mostly peacefully, over the start of Women’s History Month, since the hateful tradition implies there is such a thing as men and women.

“Women’s History Month is perpetuating the toxic idea that there is a biological category called ‘women’!!!” screamed one woman at a riot in Portland. “It’s time for this patriarchal holiday to come crashing to the ground, so we might forever end the class known as ‘women.'”

“Down with women! Down with women!”

The protesters marched down the streets of U.S. cities, decrying the month as hateful and bigoted for its sexist, TERF-sympathetic implications. They threw bricks at anyone with obvious feminine features, assuming them to be perpetuating the idea that “women” exist, though they did accidentally bash in the skulls of some Antifa males.

In place of Women’s History Month, the protesters are asking for a “Scream at the Sky Month,” which will be like all the other months but only a little bit louder.

EDITORS NOTE: This political satire column by The Babylon Bee is republished with permission. ©All rights reserved.

Cuomo Assures Public He Always Kept Mask On While Sexually Harassing Women

ALBANY, NY—New York Governor Andrew Cuomo apologized this weekend for his long-standing habit of sexually abusing young women he holds power over. And while that all sounds quite bad, Governor Cuomo did make it clear to the public that he always wore a mask and socially distanced during these interactions– a fact that has some folks saying he should get off free.

“I have the greatest respect for my employees,” Cuomo explained during a press conference. “Especially the girls—we’ve got a lot of young girls on staff who do a really good job.” Cuomo paused for a moment and seemed to wink at someone offscreen. “And I can guarantee you right now, sure I might be a sexual predator, but not once did I remove my mask, never once broke the six-foot rule during conversations with my girls– at least in 2020. Isn’t that right, Kelly?”

Cuomo went on to explain how some of his sexual jokes may not have landed with the women since they couldn’t see his facial expressions. He also claimed that the women may have misheard him since his words were muffled by his mask and they were standing so far apart.

“Do I regret making those comments?” Cuomo asked as he stood up to leave the press conference. “No. Now if you’ll excuse me I’ve got some strip poker, er– I mean poker, to play.”


Women’s History Month Canceled For Implying There Is Such A Thing As ‘Women’

With Pandemic Ending, People Who Yell At Others To Wear Masks In Danger Of Never Feeling Important Again

Can You Find All 17 Instances Of Racism On This Page From A Dr. Seuss Book?

Biden To Give First Address To Congress After He Wakes Up In The Spring

Golden Globe Award For ‘Not Being A Pervert’ Goes Unclaimed Once Again

Progressive Parents Host A ‘Will Our Child Menstruate Or Not’ Reveal

EDITORS NOTE: This political satire column by The Babylon Bee is republished with permission. ©All rights reserved.

Proud Obama Awards His Nobel Peace Prize To Biden For Bombing Syria

WASHINGTON, D.C.—President Joe Biden has in his first one hundred days hit a milestone of every American presidency — bombing the Middle East. This has been met with praise from former President Barack Obama, who, in a symbolic gesture, handed over his Nobel Peace Prize to Biden.

“Here, you deserve this now,” said Obama to Biden. “I am so proud of you.”

Obama won the Nobel Peace Prize in 2009 — the first time the prize was awarded to someone simply for existing. He then made sure all bombs and missiles had written on them, “From Nobel Peace Prize Winner Barack Obama,” so people knew they weren’t being incinerated by some heartless warmonger.

Biden has now continued the tradition, striking militia groups in Syria. Biden says he knew the militia groups were up to something because they were in Syria, a place commonly bombed by the U.S. Biden just quietly bombed them, a big difference from Donald Trump, who would often precede his bombings with mean tweets like, “I’M GONNA BOMB YA!”

Syrians seem to have noted the difference. “Ah! We’re being bombed again!” said a Syrian, fleeing bombs.

Biden seems to have really appreciated the gesture of Obama handing over his Nobel Peace Prize, though Obama had to keep telling Biden it wasn’t chocolate, as Biden kept sticking it in his mouth.


Google Reports Sudden Spike In Searches For ‘Can You Take Back Your Vote For President’ Among Biden Voters

Middle Easterners Begin Painting Transgender Flag Colors On Doorposts To Avoid Biden Drone Strikes

Oreo Reveals New Genderless OreX Cookies

Is Your Cat Actually Satan? 9 Things To Look For

HHS Nominee Says Kids Should Decide For Themselves Whether To Stick A Knife In A Toaster

EDITORS NOTE: This political satire column by The Babylon Bee is republished with permission. ©All rights reserved.

I’m Trying to Be More Asian and Less White

That’s what Coca-Cola wants me to do.

A diversity training program at Coca-Cola gives pointers on how to be less white. I’m going to take it to heart and try to be more Asian, in ways that I’ll describe momentarily.

First, as background, the program said that the way to be less white is to:

  • be less oppressive
  • be less arrogant
  • be less certain
  • be less defensive
  • be more humble
  • listen
  • believe
  • break with apathy
  • break with white solidarity

Breaking with solidarity will be easy for me. That’s because I’m an olive-skinned Italian and was only one of two Italians in my high school graduating class. Just about all the other students were Anglo-Saxon and from the wealthy side of the tracks.

The New York Times, the paragon of racial enlightenment and inclusivity, used to refer to Italians as swarts, because of their swarthy complexion. And Look Magazine, the CNN of its day in terms of the audience said that baseball great Joe DiMaggio was not a typical Italian because he didn’t put bear grease in his hair and reek of garlic.

Italians are just one of the hundred or so unique ethnocultural groups in the U.S. lumped together in the contrived “white” category, which encompasses different skin shades, nationalities, values, customs, socioeconomic classes, histories, and nose sizes. (The last is mentioned because my nose is my most prominent feature.)

But if Coke wants to stereotype me and other so-called whites as being genetically programmed to behave in certain ways, I’m not going to be defensive about it. In fact, I’m going to try to be non-white by being like Asians.

To start, I have to decide which of the unique nationalities and ethnocultural groups in the Asian category I should model. To consider just several of them, should I model the Han Chinese, the Japanese, the Koreans, the Malaysians, the Vietnamese, the Cambodians, the Filipinos, or the East Indians?

Selfishly, I’ll choose East Indians, because they have the highest income of all racial/ethnic groups in the U.S.—and because I love Indian food. They also have a high incidence of nuclear families, are industrious, and excel academically, especially in science, math, and computer technology. Oh, and like the Patel clan that has a lock on independent hotels and motels in the U.S., they are good at funding each other’s entrepreneurial endeavors.

Now I have to decide which caste to model. Since most Indian-Americans are from the upper-caste of India, I’ll go with that.

On second thought, maybe not.

You see, I knew an East Indian executive from the upper-caste who was aloof, arrogant, and condescending to his staff. He was a brilliant engineer and president of a division of a company where I was also an executive. The CEO asked me to counsel the executive on his management style, so I invited the executive for dinner at the restaurant of his choice, so as to be able to ease into the touchy subject in a relaxed setting. He chose an Indian restaurant, where he proceeded to treat the restaurant staff as serfs, snapping his fingers and never saying please or thank you.

If I were to follow the logic of Coke’s diversity training program, which stereotypes all whites as being the same, I’d stereotype all East Indians as being the same as the foregoing executive.

But wouldn’t that be racist?

Coca-Cola Holds Training Telling Polar Bears To Be Less White

ATLANTA, GA—Coca-Cola held training last week telling its polar bear mascots to be less white, sources within the company confirmed Thursday.

A leaked slideshow trains the polar bears to stop being so white and to be more like black and brown bears.

“You must all be less white,” said the diversity trainer, polar bear Roarbin DiArctico. “You must examine yourselves to find the whiteness within and eliminate all traces of it. Just by being born a polar bear, you automatically become an oppressor of black bears, brown bears, grizzly bears, and all other BOC around the world.”

One polar bear protested, saying he’s actually black underneath and it’s just the outer fur that’s white. He was told that facts are tools of polar bear supremacy, and by protesting the idea that he might be a bear racist, he was in fact perpetuating bear racism. He’s been assigned an extra thousand hours of diversity training before he’ll be allowed back in Coca-Cola commercials.

At publishing time, one of the polar bears had tried to comply with the mandate by painting himself black, offending black bears everywhere and causing him to be fired.


Biden Clarifies That Stimulus Checks Are ‘Just An Idea’

G.I. Joe To Be Replaced With Genderless G.I. Pat

Legislators Push To Ban Minecraft Due To Rise In Kids Punching Trees To Acquire Wood

Pennywise The Clown Rebrands Underground Sewer Lair As ‘Overflow Facility For Unaccompanied Minors’

EDITORS NOTE: This political satire column by The Babylon Bee is republished with permission. ©All rights reserved.

Compassionate Biden Moves Migrant Children From Cages Into Humane High-Security Metal Containment Cubes

CARRIZO SPRINGS, TX—Biden has finally ended the cruel and long-standing Trump practice of keeping migrant kids in cages, and has elected to move them into much more compassionate “high-security metal containment cubes.”

“We are proud of our cute little containment cubes,” said Kamala Harris while loudly laughing for some inexplicable reason. “Look at them all neat and tidy, lined up in a row! Hahahahahaha!”

The new administration has assured the American people that the containment cubes are “completely different” than the evil cages Trump used to use, mainly because they are called “containment cubes” instead of cages.

Social workers on the border confirmed the children will be given up to three meals per day, will be allowed to attend anti-racism classes on Zoom, and provided with free air conditioning–at least when the power is working.

Children will be kept in these highly humane holding units until the cubes can be conveniently loaded onto a truck and shipped back to South America.


Hitler Vindicated After Historians Discover His Ideas Came From Darwin

Dangerous Conspiracy Theorist Doesn’t Believe Vaccines Work

United Airlines Unveils New Environmentally Friendly Single-Engine Boeing 777

Dr. Fauci Reminds Everyone That We Will Only Have To Wear Masks Until Humans Evolve Organic Face Coverings At Birth

EDITORS NOTE: This political satire column by The Babylon Bee is republished with permission. ©All rights reserved.

7 Ways You Can Be Less White

More and more corporations are requiring their employees to be less white, in an attempt to stop racism forever. But it’s hard to know how to do that, since at first blush, that SEEMS really racist and impossible. But it’s not. It’s actually really easy if you follow these seven simple steps:

1. Burn all your Live, Laugh, Love signs. This is the first step to renouncing whiteness. Find every last “Live, Laugh, Love” sign in your home, every “Too Blessed To Be Stressed” trinket, and every “All I Need Is A Little Bit Of Coffee And A Whole Lot Of Jesus” mug and burn them as you think about your inherently sinful whiteness.

2. Rip off your skin. This is an easy one!

3. Kill yourself. Even easier! For best results, rip off your skin, then kill yourself.

4. Announce that you identify as a person of color. Wait, never mind. This one might be cultural appropriation. You also might be mistaken for a conservative trying to come up with a third joke.

5. Throw out all your ranch dressing. Ranch dressing, mayo — it’s all gotta go.

6. Take dance classes. This is a hard step, but it’s worth it. As you learn to dance to a beat, your whiteness will begin to melt away.

7. Hate yourself every waking moment until you have sufficiently atoned for your whiteness. Oops! Spoiler alert: you’ll never sufficiently atone for your whiteness. Better go back to step 3.

There you go! Racism ended forever!


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Calling Someone Without Texting Them First Officially Classified As A Hate Crime

EDITORS NOTE: This political satire column by The Babylon Bee is republished with permission. ©All rights reserved.

Biden Announces Ambitious Goal Of $100 Per Gallon Gas By End Of First 100 Days In Office

WASHINGTON, D.C.—In spite of Democrats’ best efforts to curb the use of fossil fuels, stubborn Americans continue to use them to power their automobiles and heat their homes. Biden is responding to this crisis with an ambitious new plan to raise the price of gas to $100 per gallon by the end of his first 100 days in office.

“Listen– all these fossil fuels, they gotta stop! Gotta stop!” Biden said to the Secret Service agent pumping gas into his presidential limo. “We gotta do something about these selfish Americans and one-horse kangaroo herders burning all these fuels without consequences. I know consequences. Just ask Corn Pop and his buddies. When I’m done with ’em, these Americans will never burn a gallon of gas again, Jack!”

The administration has announced the “Gas Prices To The Mooooon” campaign– a series of executive orders designed to drive the price of fuel up to make it unattainable to anyone except John Kerry.

When confronted with the question of how Americans will afford to get around with $100-per-gallon gas, House Speaker Nancy Pelosi suggested they stay home and eat some ice cream instead.

Currently, the average price stands at $2.53 per gallon and rising, which experts say is likely Trump’s fault.


Media Immediately Stops Covering Ted Cruz Story After He Puts On Andrew Cuomo Mask

To Fight White Supremacy, Coca-Cola Discontinues Vanilla Coke

Help Is On The Way: John Kerry Personally Warms Texas By Flying Private Jet Around

Bill Gates Warns Of The Sacrifices We’ll Have To Make In Stirring Speech Given From His 650 Million Dollar Super Yacht

Support Grows For All Of Congress To Be Permanently Relocated To Cancun

Ted Cruz Determined Unfit To Be A Politician After He Admits He Was Wrong, Apologizes

EDITORS NOTE: This political satire column by The Babylon Bee is republished with permission. All rights reserved.

Media Informs Ted Cruz You Can Only Travel During A Crisis If You’re A Democrat

CANCUN—Ted Cruz is really ignorant of how to be a politician. The guy traveled during a crisis in his state, and he isn’t even a Democrat.

What an idiot!

The media informed Cruz of his faux pas as soon as he landed in the Yucatán Peninsula, shouting at him that he’s not allowed to travel during a crisis, since he has an “R” next to his name.

“You can only get away with traveling during a crisis if you specifically tell people to stay home and then don’t stay home yourself!” screamed a CNN journalist on the scene as Cruz landed. “Oh, and of course, you have to be a liberal!”

A Univision reporter shouted, “Ay, Caramba!” which is reportedly a Spanish phrase meaning, “Your hypocrisy is unforgivable because you are a Republican, you moron!”

“Well, y’all, I shore am sorry,” Cruz said from his resort in sunny Cancun. “I hadn’t realized I would only get a pass for this if I was a liberal. Boy, howdy, am I in hot stew now, ya hear?”

At publishing time, Cruz had flown back to Texas and promised to do better, or at least to switch parties before he traveled during a crisis next time.


Heroic Ted Cruz Travels To Cancun To Lasso The Sun And Bring It Back To Texas

Biden Announces He Will Give Up Executive Orders For Lent

‘Greetings Thrillseekers, Music Lovers, Conversationalists All Across The Fruited Plains,’ Booms Rush Limbaugh’s Voice Across Heaven’s PA System

‘Boy, We Sure Could Use Some Of That Global Warming About Now!’ Says Every Conservative Uncle In The Country

Rookie Mistake: Man Becomes Transgender After Holding Wife’s Purse For More Than 10 Seconds

Ben Shapiro Honors Rush Limbaugh With 0.3 Seconds Of Silence

EDITORS NOTE: This political satire column by The Babylon Bee is republished with permission. ©All rights reserved.

Biden Defends Hitler’s Concentration Camps: ‘Nazi Germany Just Had Different Norms’

WASHINGTON, D.C.—In a recent presidential town hall on CNN, Biden appeared to excuse the treatment of Jews in Hitler’s concentration camps due to “differences in cultural norms.”

“Listen, folks– I was just on the phone with Adolf and I was like, ‘Hey, man! You know that whole thing with the camps? You and I may not see eye to eye on those things. That’s OK, Jack! Different norms!'”

“The thing that struck me about President Biden’s town hall — aside from a few completely innocent and harmless missteps — is just how empathetic and compassionate our new president is,” said CNN Anchor Don Lemon. “Frankly, I would rather have a president who defends concentration camps with compassion than one who attacks them with a mean and nasty tone. That’s really what matters here.”

Biden’s performance at the town hall is being universally praised in the media as “adorable,” “sweet,” “comforting,” and “mostly true.”

Uighur Muslims in China also released a statement saying: “Wow–this guy really seems to care. That makes us feel so much better!”

When questioned by several human rights groups about the President’s statements, Biden’s press secretary promised to “circle back.”

RELATED ARTICLE: Journalists Cheer As Jen Psaki Announces The Gulags Will Be Run By A Woman Of Color

EDITORS NOTE: This political satire column by The Babylon Bee is republished with permission. ©All rights reserved.

Journalists Cheer As Jen Psaki Announces The Gulags Will Be Run By A Woman Of Color

WASHINGTON, D.C.—Journalists around the nation erupted in boisterous cheers when White House Press Secretary, Jen Psaki, announced that the gulags will be run by a woman of color.

The announcement came as a result of an unscripted moment when a reporter relayed to Psaki a question from a concerned citizen back home, “What is President Biden doing for my small business?”

Psaki didn’t miss a beat showing how clearly prepared she was for such a hard-hitting question.

“First and foremost, Joe Biden nominated a woman of color to run the forced labor camps, what many experts in this administration are referring to affectionately as the gulags.”

The journalists began hooting, hollering, clapping, and erupting into chants of “Four More Years” when Psaki’s announcement dropped that dissidents and undesirables accused of wrongthink would be sent to forced labor camps run by a woman of color.

At publishing time, children being kept in immigration detention centers were reportedly “glad” to hear news that I.C.E. may be folded into the progressive new gulag system.


Party Of Love And Progress Rejoices Over Death Of Political Opponent

Disney Announces New Movie Telling Sympathetic Feminist Origin Story Of Xenomorph Queen

Elon Musk Rescues Texans With Giant Flamethrower Mech

Biden Defends Hitler’s Concentration Camps: ‘Nazi Germany Just Had Different Norms’

New York Times Calls For Banning Coffee Shops After Learning People Can Have Uncensored Conversations There

EDITORS NOTE: This political satire column by The Babylon Bee is republished with permission. ©All rights reserved.

Biden Signs Executive Order Allowing People To Keep Their Guns As Long As The Barrel Is Tied In A Knot

WASHINGTON D.C.—In what Democrats are calling a “brilliant compromise for gun safety,” President Biden has signed an executive order allowing everyone to keep as many guns as they want– as long as the barrels are tied in a knot.

“Come on, man! I’m not against the 2nd Amendment!” said Biden to the bust of Cesar Chavez in his office. “You have my word– no one is coming to take your guns away. You want guns, you can keep ’em! All we ask is that you tie a giant knot in the barrel just like Daffy Duck did to Elmer Fudd. It’s real simple!”

Biden’s order will require all gun owners to provide photographic evidence of them twisting their guns into a square knot or a lovely bow. If the guns ever need to be used, Americans can simply take their firearm to a gunsmith to be straightened out again.

Anyone suspected of being a member of QAnon will be required to tie their gun in a triple-knot.


Americans Call For More Trump Impeachment Trials As Long As It Keeps Congress Occupied

All Republican Senators Switch To Mullets Thanks To Trend-Setting Ted Cruz

Texans Forced To Cut Open Cattle With Lightsabers And Climb Inside For Warmth

People Who Moved To Texas From California Finally Feeling At Home Now That Power Is Out

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EDITORS NOTE: This political satire column by The Babylon Bee is republished with permission. All rights reserved.

Trump Now Most Acquitted President In History

U.S.—President Donald Trump made history once again today after being acquitted in his second Senate impeachment trial. He is now the most acquitted president in American history.

Donald Trump issued a statement regarding this incredible honor.

“I have been completely and totally cleared of all wrongdoing in this pathetic witchhunt sham impeachment trial,” said Trump. “I am now the most acquitted president ever — even more than Clinton. No president has ever been acquitted more than I have. Will I get the credit? Probably not, because of the fake news media. I am looking forward to continuing our MAGA movement together for many more acquittals to come!”

According to sources, Republican Senators cheered and high-fived each other, knowing they had just outsmarted all the Democrats into bestowing such an unprecedented badge of honor on the former president.

“Oh no! What have we done?!” wailed Senator Amy Klobuchar, suddenly realizing the Senate had given Trump yet another impressive world record, making him the subject of trivia questions for the next two centuries.

According to sources, Clinton will be handing over his giant gold “most acquitted ever” trophy to Trump in Mar-a-Lago next week.


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EDITORS NOTE: This political satire column by The Babylon Bee is republished with permission. ©All rights reserved.

Congress To Retroactively Impeach All Previous Republican Presidents

WASHINGTON, D.C.—Congress has announced plans to retroactively impeach all previous Republican presidents.

“We must spend our time working on important things, like impeaching all these presidents who aren’t in office anymore,” said Speaker of the House Nancy Pelosi. “It’s what the American people want.”

Abraham Lincoln’s impeachment trial is expected to start Monday. Following his impeachment trial, Ulysses S. Grant’s impeachment will begin. Hayes, Garfield, Arthur, and Harrison will follow within a few months; then, McKinley, Roosevelt, Taft, and Harding. Calvin Coolidge’s trial is expected to be absolutely electric, while Hoover’s and Eisenhower’s will be riveting, according to sources within the House. Then, Nixon will be impeached a second time, with Ford, Reagan, Bush, and Bush to follow.

Finally, Trump will be impeached a third time, a process Chuck Schumer calls “an important procedure that will accomplish much for the American people.”

Pelosi has also confirmed no stimulus checks will be issued until all these impeachments have been completed, which she expects to occur around 2024.


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EDITORS NOTE: This political satire column by The Babylon Bee is republished with permission. ©All rights reserved.