WASHINGTON, D.C.—Congress has announced plans to retroactively impeach all previous Republican presidents.

“We must spend our time working on important things, like impeaching all these presidents who aren’t in office anymore,” said Speaker of the House Nancy Pelosi. “It’s what the American people want.”

Abraham Lincoln’s impeachment trial is expected to start Monday. Following his impeachment trial, Ulysses S. Grant’s impeachment will begin. Hayes, Garfield, Arthur, and Harrison will follow within a few months; then, McKinley, Roosevelt, Taft, and Harding. Calvin Coolidge’s trial is expected to be absolutely electric, while Hoover’s and Eisenhower’s will be riveting, according to sources within the House. Then, Nixon will be impeached a second time, with Ford, Reagan, Bush, and Bush to follow.

Finally, Trump will be impeached a third time, a process Chuck Schumer calls “an important procedure that will accomplish much for the American people.”

Pelosi has also confirmed no stimulus checks will be issued until all these impeachments have been completed, which she expects to occur around 2024.

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EDITORS NOTE: This political satire column by The Babylon Bee is republished with permission. ©All rights reserved.