WASHINGTON, D.C.—Nancy Pelosi announced today that she will strictly be enforcing her anti-Constitution rule at the Capitol and that any congressperson caught carrying a copy of the document will be arrested.

“I’ve instructed Capitol Police to arrest anyone with this dangerous document,” she said. “It has harmful misinformation in there about how you can just go about doing whatever you want, which is against the public health. This is for your own good. Anyone with the documents will be arrested and sent to jail without trial, as this is a public health emergency.”

Experts applauded the move, praising Pelosi’s courage to “do whatever is needed” to protect the public from all the infectious freedoms that have been proven by the experts to spread infection. “The Founding Fathers could have never foreseen people getting sick and dying,” said the experts. “We’re sure they’d totally understand the need to scrap the Constitution in this instance.”

Luckily, no Democrats or Republicans were caught with a copy of the Constitution.

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