Start Freaking Out: Here Are 10 New Variants You Should Be Super Worried About

At The Babylon Bee, we take your health seriously. So, we hired a doctor who was sitting in the gutter outside our California offices. He even had a lab coat and that big disc thing on top of his head. He also had a card that said “I am a real doctor.” Anyway, he warned us about these ten variants that are hitting the U.S. soon:

1. The Biden Variant – Causes the infected to babble like a senile old man and wander around aimlessly.

2. The Fauci Variant – Causes the infected to say contradictory statements every other sentence. Also diarrhea.

3. The Last Jedi Variant – Promises to be extremely deadly, then subverts your expectations and is really disappointing.

4. The Inverted Tombstone Piledriver Variant – Flips you upside down and backward then drives your skull into the mat from the top rope. Also diarrhea.

5. The AOC Variant – Causes a drop in intelligence but will slightly improve your dance moves.

6. The Lambda Complex Variant – This variant may trigger a resonance cascade scenario, causing our world to be invaded by aliens from the planet Xen. Also, the infected can’t count to 3.

7. COVID 1619 – Experts claim this variant was actually founded in 1619 by racist white men. Causes white supremacy and colorblindness. Also vomiting.

8. The Updog Variant – This one is really serious. Go ask your dad what it is.

9. The Kamala Harris Variant – This one causes you to start laughing at inappropriate times.

10. The Snyder Variant – Symptoms last twice as long as the original COVID-19. An interesting variant, although ultimately still a bit of a mess.

Stay home, stay safe! Forever!

EDITORS NOTE: This political satire column by The Babylon Bee is republished with permission. ©All rights reserved.