Biden Administration Changes U.S. Military Slogan To ‘Hundreds Of Americans Left Behind’

WASHINGTON, D.C.—The Biden administration announced today the long-running informal slogan of the United States military, that no man will be left behind, is going to be changed to “hundreds of Americans left behind.”

The new slogan will more accurately describe the activities of the military under the Biden administration as they leave behind American citizens in hostile countries after the Taliban ordered them to.

“This is much more accurate,” Jen Psaki said in a press conference. “Leaving nobody behind is, frankly, pretty unrealistic. We’re fairly happy with how well we’ve done here, even though we may have left an American or two or two hundred behind in Afghanistan.”

“This is a much more attainable standard for the U.S. military of 2021. Going back to save Americans can be very triggering for our service members, especially in hostile territory where the Taliban might call them the wrong pronouns.”

Biden himself was unavailable for comment, as he was either napping or dead, and Psaki wasn’t sure which. She did say she would circle back to Biden and hold a mirror under his nose, though.

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