WASHINGTON, D.C.—President Biden took a much-needed break from his 4-hour workdays and late-night Matlock binges to attend the Congressional Baseball Game this past weekend, but things quickly went south when he attempted to join the crowd in a rowdy “F*** Joe Biden” chant. “Yeah, that Biden guy is the worst!” said Biden. “F*** Joe Biden! […]
WORLD—With Facebook down, and the world basking in the warm glow of a post-Facebook utopia, the hackers responsible for the attack are now warning that if their demands are not met, they will reactivate Facebook once again. “We know the world is celebrating the peace and unity brought about by us deleting Facebook from the internet,” […]
COLUMBUS, OH—According to sources, local college student Tom Smith was robbed at gunpoint yesterday in the early morning hours as he was getting in his car. In a statement to police, he revealed that the gunman assured him the robbery would cost $0 since it would be paid for by the money being stolen. “It all […]
Hey everyone, sorry it’s been a while since I’ve updated this blog. It’s just been crazy around here! Fall is here, and ladies we all know what that means: cooler weather, Friday night football, and popping Xanax before your annual family photoshoot. You know how it goes: you spend countless hours, sacrificing quality family time […]
It is now Halloween season, so as parents you must be on alert for threats to your children. This year, make sure to carefully check your kids’ candy before they eat it, being especially on the lookout for vaccination needles. The COVID-19 vaccine has not been approved for children, but some deranged individuals may try […]
ALBANY, NY—New York atheists have come out in force against the COVID-19 vaccine after learning that their state’s Governor Kathy Hochul claimed that God made the scientists, doctors, and researchers invent the vaccine. The state’s atheists were further incensed when Hochul displayed a religious emblem hanging from her neck that symbolized her acceptance of the […]
PROVO, UT—Mormon students attending the Brigham Young University football game this past weekend joined other colleges across the country in expressing their opinion of President Biden. “Fudge Joe Biden! Fudge Joe Biden!” chanted the football fans in between plays. Some local onlookers were shocked at the brazen obscenity, but others gleefully responded saying “Ohhh SNAP!” […]
WASHINGTON, D.C.—Biden promoted his record-breaking $3.5 trillion spending bill today, telling Americans it will basically cost us nothing since China was kind enough to give him a brand new VISA card with a $3.5 trillion credit limit and a very low introductory rate. “C’mon, folks, that’s too good a deal to pass up!” said Biden […]
If there’s one thing we worry about as parents, it’s that our kids are not sufficiently scared of COVID-19. If our children don’t spend every waking hour fearful that they’ll get killed by a virus, they might accidentally let their masks slip down from their noses for a few seconds. And then we’re all dead. […]
We here at the Babylon Bee are passionate about helping our readers discern truth from fiction. You may not know this, but a lot of news outlets are really biased these days! How can you tell whether the news is giving you the whole story? Well, buckle up, because here are 9 very subtle clues […]
WASHINGTON, D.C.—Upset at being laid off under Joe Biden just like millions of other Americans, former Border Patrol horses stormed the Capitol building Friday shouting “Trump won!” Tensions have risen in the horse community since the Border Patrol horses were fired. According to some studies, horse unemployment has risen some 900% since Biden took office, […]
WASHINGTON, D.C.—Representative Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez took the fight to tax the wealthy to the streets today with the unveiling of her custom-made, $100,000 “Tax the Rich” Tesla. The limited-edition, high-end electric car sports a custom “Tax the Rich” decal designed by a wealthy millionaire socialist. Ocasio-Cortez says she hopes it will make a “powerful statement” about wealth […]
NEW YORK, NY—In an effort to circumvent the city’s vaccine passport regulations, a midtown eatery has installed a voting booth and designated itself as a polling place so it can allow in anyone without any ID at all. Mikey’s Eats did a brisk business on the day, as the front of the restaurant was crowded […]
NEW YORK, NY—After conducting several trials, Pfizer has announced that their vaccine is now almost as safe for kids as getting COVID is. “We are very proud of this achievement,” said a Pfizer spokesperson. “We can now confidently say that there is only a very small chance your child will suffer life-altering complications or death […]
WASHINGTON, D.C.—After hearing from his advisors that the Texas Republicans are exactly like the Taliban, President Biden immediately offered an unconditional surrender to them. “Oh man, they’re exactly like the Taliban? I surrender!” a frightened Biden said after one of his cabinet members quipped that the “backward” Republicans in Texas are “just like the Taliban.” “I will […]
LOS ANGELES, CA—One day after Governor Newsom fended off recall and secured the continuation of his reign, swarms of Californians descended upon Los Angeles International Airport desperate to escape. As planes filled and people began getting turned away, mothers attempted to pass their babies over the fence of the tarmac, and others clung to the landing […]
SACRAMENTO, CA—The nation is cheering this morning after Gavin Newsom defeated a recall election, ensuring that the Democrat Newsom fans who live there will stay put. “We were getting ready to escape the state if a black man had been elected governor,” said one local insane Communist Democrat Newsom fan while taking his morning poop […]
CUPERTINO, CA—During the much-anticipated unveiling of the new iPhone 13 at this year’s Apple Event, CEO Tim Cook revealed that the newest model and iOS will ask users to confirm vaccination status before unlocking the screen. “We here at Apple are doing our part to keep you safe by keeping our sacred products out of […]
WASHINGTON, D.C.—Democrats in Congress have condemned the recent election integrity law passed in Texas. In addition to the laws being extremely racist, misogynistic, and homophobic, Democrat politicians are saying that such laws will lead to a devastating decline in cheating. “Cheating is the lifeblood of LGBTQ+ culture, and ballot harvesting is the cornerstone of black American […]
WUHAN—Well, this can’t be good: an investigative journalist—a real one, not a “journalist” who complains about pronouns in videogames on Twitter—managed to infiltrate the Wuhan Institute of Virology. What they saw concerned them: for one thing, there appeared to be multiple vials of a mysterious substance, all of them labeled “Save for 2024 election.” Someone […]
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