WASHINGTON, D.C.—During a press conference today in which President Biden announced new executive action on gun control, he made an emotional plea to Americans, making his case that the action was needed. In particular, he claimed that gun shows are “free-for-alls” where anyone can just go in and pick up a nuclear missile. “Anybody can […]
MOUNTAIN VIEW, CA—Tech giant Google announced today that they are removing the entire state of Georgia from their Google Maps platform, effective immediately. This comes in response to the state’s recent voter law that many are calling racist. “We cannot allow these racist laws to stand,” said a spokesman from the Google Office of Diversity, […]
U.S.—With Secretary of Transportation Pete Buttigieg proposing a national tax based on how many miles you drive in your car, budget-minded drivers will be able to activate new features in their cars that will warn them when they’re about to exceed their budgeted miles for the month. “This is a great way to keep the […]
U.S.—Service stations across the country have begun widening their signs in preparation for higher gas prices, sources confirmed Thursday. The wider signs allow for prices up to eight digits long, “an absolute necessity” for the Biden presidency, according to local fuel station franchise owners. “We’re gonna need a bigger sign,” gas station owner Amir Wallenfeld […]
WASHINGTON, D.C.—Howard University has announced a very special virtual event that will be broadcast to college students this week. One of the hotly anticipated discussions will feature Kamala Harris and Harvey Weinstein as they talk about empowering women and girls. “Listen– I like girls. All kinds of beautiful young girls– empowering them, I mean,” said Weinstein, […]
Our First Comedy Sketch is Live! Mark your calendar for this historic day. The Babylon Bee is dipping its toes in sketch comedy. In our first video, watch as teachers’ union members pummel their lawyer with a few “simple” demands before they’re willing to reopen schools. And if you are a paid Babylon Bee subscriber, […]
Every time something bad happens, we start thinking, “What was the real motivation here? Was this just a terrible tragedy, or was it really… [dramatic pause] … WHITE SUPREMACY?” The answer of course, is almost always white supremacy, but we still have to ask. Here are nine disasters from history that were actually motivated by […]
MOSCOW—Vladimir Putin has challenged Joe Biden to a contest of wits, strength, and cunning: a stair-ascending contest. The winner of the contest will gain control of the other country. “Stair-ascending contest, me and you, right now, let’s go,” said Putin as he met with the American president. “He who wins become supreme glorious leader forever […]
EL PASO, TX—Many are starting to call the migrant surge at the southern border a “crisis” as more people continue to arrive and detention centers overflow. It is currently unclear who caused this crisis, but some critics are suggesting it may have something to do with all the “Free Stuff, Come On In” signs Biden […]
U.S.—After an aggressive campaign from English teachers across the nation condemning William Shakespeare for “misogyny, racism, homophobia, and classism,” one local university has decided to remove Shakespeare from their English literature curriculum. They will be replacing him with group readings of Ibram X. Kendi’s seminal masterpiece, Antiracist Baby. “The fact that Shakespeare is considered the greatest English writer in […]
WASHINGTON, D.C.—A group of cartel members presented Joe Biden with its prestigious “Human Trafficker of the Month” award today, marking the third month in a row the new president has received the award. Democrat presidents are constant recipients of the honor, usually winning the award many dozens of times throughout their time in office, and […]
WASHINGTON, D.C.—In his address to the nation yesterday, President Joe Biden said if everyone is very good this year, he’ll allow Americans to have some limited freedoms on July 4. “If you are all good boys and girls, we can have a few freedoms back on the fourth of July,” he said. “It’ll be a […]
Have you or a loved one had a baby recently? We hate to say this, but you may have just brought a white supremacist into the world. Don’t worry though– we’re here to help! It’s important to always look for clues of racist tendencies in your newborn so you can nip that in the bud! Here are the troubling […]
PORTLAND, OR—It’s been a busy day for progressive Stuart Garner. After spending most of the day fighting to have certain books banned and trying to stop unfettered free speech, he wound down by accusing those opposed to him of being Nazis. “There’s just so much to do,” Garner said. “There are all these books no […]
ALBANY, NY—Governor Andrew Cuomo has found himself in the middle of a sex scandal. When he found himself in hot water last year, though, for killing a bunch of seniors, he released a book about it. So, he called up his literary agent and quickly got a book proposal together. He landed a cool seven-figure […]
U.S.—Experts have issued a dire warning to the nation that the lifting of mask mandates, business closures, and capacity limits in Texas and Mississippi could contribute to the spread of liberty across the nation. “As states like Texas begin to lift their mandates, we could be seeing a deadly outbreak of freedom, liberty, and personal […]
U.S.—Leftist protesters began to riot, mostly peacefully, over the start of Women’s History Month, since the hateful tradition implies there is such a thing as men and women. “Women’s History Month is perpetuating the toxic idea that there is a biological category called ‘women’!!!” screamed one woman at a riot in Portland. “It’s time for this […]
ALBANY, NY—New York Governor Andrew Cuomo apologized this weekend for his long-standing habit of sexually abusing young women he holds power over. And while that all sounds quite bad, Governor Cuomo did make it clear to the public that he always wore a mask and socially distanced during these interactions– a fact that has some […]
WASHINGTON, D.C.—President Joe Biden has in his first one hundred days hit a milestone of every American presidency — bombing the Middle East. This has been met with praise from former President Barack Obama, who, in a symbolic gesture, handed over his Nobel Peace Prize to Biden. “Here, you deserve this now,” said Obama to […]
ATLANTA, GA—Coca-Cola held training last week telling its polar bear mascots to be less white, sources within the company confirmed Thursday. A leaked slideshow trains the polar bears to stop being so white and to be more like black and brown bears. “You must all be less white,” said the diversity trainer, polar bear Roarbin […]
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