Entries by The Babylon Bee

Kraken Holds Press Conference To Distance Itself From Trump Campaign

WASHINGTON, D.C.—Amid urgent calls for Trump’s legal team to “release the Kraken” and show the country their irrefutable proof of voter fraud, the legendary Nordic cephalopod made a rare media appearance this week to clear things up and distance himself from the Trump campaign. “Let me be perfectly clear,” gargled the Kraken in its horrifying eldritch voice. “I […]

Skynet Introduces New Line Of Voting Machines

MENLO PARK, CA—It’s looking increasingly likely that Trump’s lawsuits won’t change the results of the election, and that his claims about fraudulent voting and suspicious voting machines won’t swing the election in his favor. But many people are now raising concerns as Silicon Valley startup Skynet has unveiled a new line of voting machines. “WE […]

Butterball Releases Turkey With Biden-Harris Logo So You Can Just Say Your Thanksgiving Gathering Is A Political Rally

GARNER, NC—Butterball is releasing a new turkey with a Biden-Harris logo seared right into its delicious skin so you can just claim your Thanksgiving gathering is a political rally, bypassing local restrictions against celebrating the holiday. “Just serve the Biden-Harris turkey, and you’ll be free to gather,” said a Butterball spokesperson. “It’s the same delicious […]

New AR-15 Glows Blue When Libs Are Near

U.S.—An American firearms manufacturer is making waves after unveiling a brand new AR-15 that glows blue whenever libs are nearby. Constructed with ancient elven technology from the forgotten land of Gondolin, this semi-automatic rifle will pulse with an ethereal blue light whenever it detects a democrat within a 100-yard radius. “We’re really lucky to have […]

Trump Signs Executive Order To Double Debt Of Journalism Students

WASHINGTON D.C.—There have been suggestions that Joe Biden may use an executive order to cancel student debt, but President Donald Trump has announced he’s going a different direction: He is signing an executive order to double the debt of all journalism students. “The press is the enemy of the people,” Trump told the press, the […]

Study Finds Connection Between Believing Russia Rigged 2016 Election And Believing 2020 Election Was Foolproof

U.S.—A study has found a strong connection between believing Russia rigged the 2016 election and now suddenly believing elections are entirely foolproof, trustworthy, and unhackable. “It seems that people who screamed about Russia for 4 years now have a 100% chance of encouraging everyone to accept the 2020 election results without question,” said study head […]

Media Confused By Completely Peaceful Protest

WASHINGTON, D.C.—The media is scratching their heads today after thousands of angry Trump supporters descended on the capital and were completely peaceful throughout the entire demonstration. “I don’t even know what this is. This is really confusing,” said D.C. correspondent Cork Dorgen. “We’ve seen violent protests and mostly-peaceful protests, but this protest seems all-the-way peaceful […]

Cuomo Develops Vaccine That Makes People Immune To Trump’s Vaccine

ALBANY, NY—Many thought it was great news when they heard about the effectiveness of Pfizer’s coronavirus vaccine, but one person is alarmed by this development: New York Governor Andrew Cuomo. In fact, Cuomo says he has scientists developing a vaccine that will render President Trump’s vaccine ineffective. “We are doing great here in New York, […]

Democrats Propose Sending Republicans To ‘Unity Camps’

U.S.—Leading Democrats are pushing for unity in our nation, and they’ve found a new way to implement the unity in a mandatory way: “Unity Camps,” special institutions designed to teach and train Republicans to unify. “There’s nothing that’ll make Republicans want unity more than a nice, relaxing stay in one of our Unity Camps,” said […]

In Victory Speech, Biden Assures Americans Elections Were ‘Mostly Legitimate’

U.S.—Very legitimate President-elect Joe Biden assured all Americans in his victory speech last Saturday night that the elections held nationwide were “mostly legitimate.” His comments come as a rebuke to those who were saying totally baseless things about voter fraud, illegal ballots being counted, and poll workers counting ballots in a boarded-up building with no […]

Party Against Fascism Begins Creating Lists Of Undesirables

In the latest effort to defeat fascism once and for all, Democrat operatives have begun to compile a list of people who disagree with them politically so they can destroy their lives forever. “These undesirables must be held accountable,” said AOC, Biden’s new Secretary of Holding Fascists Accountable. “They are complicit in all the fascist […]

69 Million Trump Supporters Take To Streets To Drive To Work And Go About Their Lives As Normal

U.S.—Angered at President Donald Trump’s apparent loss, the president’s psychotic supporters took to the streets to drive to work and go about their lives as normal. Crowds of Trump supporters were seen just kinda doing the same old thing they always do, not burning down any buildings or assaulting anyone or tipping over statues. The […]

Experts Call For 15 Days Of Counting To Flatten The Curve Of Votes For Trump

U.S.—After a concerning spike in votes for Trump occurred on election night, experts are calling for 15 days of counting to flatten the curve of votes for the “wrong candidate.” While some scientists recommended just letting the votes for Trump be counted fairly until we all achieve herd immunity to Trump, others said we need […]

Business Owners Boarding Up In Case Party Of Love And Tolerance Loses

U.S.—Business owners in Democrat-controlled cities are boarding up in preparation for an onslaught of mostly peaceful demonstrations should Trump win the election Tuesday. The real concern is that the party of love and tolerance loses the election. “We just want to make sure our businesses will be safe from the sudden outpouring of peace, love, […]