Californians Desperate To Escape Cling To Landing Gear Of Last Jet Leaving LAX

LOS ANGELES, CA—One day after Governor Newsom fended off recall and secured the continuation of his reign, swarms of Californians descended upon Los Angeles International Airport desperate to escape. As planes filled and people began getting turned away, mothers attempted to pass their babies over the fence of the tarmac, and others clung to the landing gear of the last departing planes.

Timothy Sawchuck of Pomona, who released his grip on the landing gear just before it became too late, said, “Grabbing the landing gear is what you do when you’re fleeing an authoritarian regime, right?  I’m pretty sure I saw that on TV recently.” When asked why he felt such urgency to get out of California, he explained: “Newsom has been playing it cool during the recall, but now all bets are off. There’s going to be lockdowns, water rationing, power outages—all that third-world stuff California has become famous for.”

Rebecca Anderson of Encino agreed: “Fire season is coming. From what I’ve seen, Newsom spent all his time preparing for that by calling Larry Elder a white supremacist and claiming that he was running against Donald Trump. Not sure how that’s going to thin out the dead trees and brush. I have to get out of here before the rest of the state goes up in flames!”

Those lucky enough to make it out are being transported to military bases around the country to await relocation to one of the remaining states that have not been completely run into the ground.

RELATED POLITICAL SATIRE:

CDC Cautions Against Taking The Red Pill

General Milley: ‘I Had To Commit Treason To Prevent Trump From Committing Treason’

Nation’s Productivity Down 97% As Everyone Binge-Watching Norm Macdonald Clips All Day

Sirens Blaring At Democratic Headquarters As Black Woman Expresses Unapproved Opinion

‘Jeopardy!’ To Be Hosted By Whoever Is Found Worthy To Wield Mjölnir

EDITORS NOTE: This political satire column by The Babylon Bee is republished with permission. ©All rights reserved.

Nation Cheers As Democrats Will Remain In California

SACRAMENTO, CA—The nation is cheering this morning after Gavin Newsom defeated a recall election, ensuring that the Democrat Newsom fans who live there will stay put.

“We were getting ready to escape the state if a black man had been elected governor,” said one local insane Communist Democrat Newsom fan while taking his morning poop on the sidewalk. “But now that our favorite progressive governor is safe, we know we can stay!”

Experts are warning that some Democrats may still leave the state in spite of having a progressive governor, in search of things like food, water, electricity, shelter, and jobs. Several states are preparing for the potential onslaught of California refugees by building tall border walls to keep escaping Democrats out.

Still, many believe that keeping Gavin Newsom as governor will result in many Democrats staying in California where they belong.

“This is sad news for California, but wonderful news for the rest of us!” said Texas Governor Greg Abbot. “Stay put in California, Libs! Say ‘hi’ to Newsom for me! Yee Haw!”

RELATED POLITICAL SATIRE:

Homeless Spell Out ‘Congrats, Gavin Newsom’ In Poo On The Streets Of California

Gavin Newsom Named U-Haul Salesperson Of The Year

Beautiful: AOC Donates Her ‘Tax The Rich’ Dress To Help Abuela Patch The Holes In Her Roof

EDITORS NOTE: This political satire column by The Babylon Bee is republished with permission. ©All rights reserved.

New IPhone 13 Will Require Vaccination To Unlock Screen

CUPERTINO, CA—During the much-anticipated unveiling of the new iPhone 13 at this year’s Apple Event, CEO Tim Cook revealed that the newest model and iOS will ask users to confirm vaccination status before unlocking the screen.

“We here at Apple are doing our part to keep you safe by keeping our sacred products out of the hands of the filthy unvaccinated,” said Cook as he paced the stage. “That’s why starting with the iPhone 13, all Apple users will be required to scan their vaccination card in order to unlock their iPhones.”

The crowd stood to their feet and cheered at the brilliant idea.

“I think it’s a brilliant idea,” said Apple fan Mavis Bimbasquelch as he walked out of the event. “If those stupid dumb anti-vaxxers don’t want to get vaccinated, they can build their own computer company. Also, I hope they die.”

Tim Cook confirmed he has software engineers and Chinese Uyghur slaves working overtime to ensure the “vax-verify” technology is ready for primetime.

“We vow to bar the unvaccinated from connecting with the world,” said Cook. “It’s the moral thing to do.”

RELATED POLITICAL SATIRE:

Trump Wows Met Gala Crowd In ‘Rigged Election’ Dress

Powerful: AOC Writes ‘Tax The Rich’ In The Sky With Her Private Jet

Touching: Celebrities Invite Migrant Children To Met Gala To Participate In Hunger Games Tournament

EDITORS NOTE: This political satire column by The Babylon Bee is republished with permission. ©All rights reserved.

Democrats Warn If More States Pass Election Integrity Laws There Will Be A Devastating Decline In Cheating

WASHINGTON, D.C.—Democrats in Congress have condemned the recent election integrity law passed in Texas. In addition to the laws being extremely racist, misogynistic, and homophobic, Democrat politicians are saying that such laws will lead to a devastating decline in cheating.

“Cheating is the lifeblood of LGBTQ+ culture, and ballot harvesting is the cornerstone of black American culture,” said AOC in a speech to her constituents in the World Economic Forum. “In addition—like, so many women will be negatively impacted by the male gaze of partisan poll-watchers. This is literal fascism guys.”

Experts warn that if more states pass similar laws, it may empower far-far-right candidates to win elections, as cheating and fraud will decline sharply.

“This is a white supremacist country,” AOC continued, “so we know that free and fair elections without any fraud will lead to more white supremacists being elected. White supremacists like Larry Elder. Like, I literally can’t even.”

“Say—I should tweet that.” She then pulled out her phone and began tweeting.

Leftists have called for more relaxed voting with fewer protections against fraud, so that only good people will be elected, like in California and New York. Frustrated Democrats have promised to leave Texas to live in states where the voting laws aren’t evil and racist. Texas Governor Greg Abbot is currently looking at additional legislation to see if he can make more Democrats leave.

EDITORS NOTE: This political satire column by The Babylon Bee is republished with permission. ©All rights reserved.

Uh-Oh: Vials Of Mysterious Substance At Wuhan Lab Labeled ‘Save For 2024 Election’

WUHAN—Well, this can’t be good: an investigative journalist—a real one, not a “journalist” who complains about pronouns in videogames on Twitter—managed to infiltrate the Wuhan Institute of Virology. What they saw concerned them: for one thing, there appeared to be multiple vials of a mysterious substance, all of them labeled “Save for 2024 election.”

Someone had scrawled the words on the vials in red marker, warning lab workers not to open the vials until they’re needed in 2024.

“What’s that?” the journalist asked in an audio recording from her phone.

“That? Oh, that is nothing!” replied one scientist.

“Then why does it say that on the vial?” she asked.

“Because we want nothing bad to happen in 2024 so we are going to release the bottle with nothing in it that year. For good luck.”

She then narrowly escaped with her life as she saw the lab worker pressing the room’s “release the monkeys” button.

“This, uh, doesn’t seem good,” said one political commentator. “I guess I shouldn’t have thrown all those masks away.”

At publishing time, sources had confirmed the handwriting was in English and matched Dr. Fauci’s.

EDITORS NOTE: This political satire column by The Babylon Bee is republished with permission. ©All rights reserved.

Revealed: 10 More Things The Government Will Be Mandating This Year

President Biden is drunk with power after announcing a vaccine mandate and our sources reveal he’s already working on more! Are you ready?

Here is a list of mandates Biden reportedly has planned for this year:

1) For the entire month of October, all foods must be pumpkin spice flavor: Biden is a fan of pumpkin spice and thinks you should be too. Bring on the pumpkin spice hotdogs and the pumpkin spice steak!

2) During all the other months of the year, all foods must still be pumpkin spice flavored: Dangit.

3) Everyone approached by Joe Biden must allow him to sniff them without resistance: It is his kingly right.

4) Single women who are “plant moms” must be given 10 months of maternity leave every time they buy a houseplant: Plant moms have been fighting for these rights for a long time.

5) Everyone must wear socks with sandals: Doing so is an important sign of submission to your rulers. Besides, if everyone is doing it, it’s not weird, right?

6) Wednesday is Soylent Green day: Be sure to eat your weekly nutritious food square!

7) Every parent must disclose their favorite kid to the IRS: Just in case the government needs to levy them.

8) Ketchup on pizza: According to Biden, this is the only correct way to eat pizza. Pineapple will also be required.

9) All cats must wear masks: Not because it protects them or anything–it’s just that they do funny things when you put a mask on them. Biden likes that. It is so mandated!

10) All children’s books must be written by avowed Communists: That means no Harry Potter, no Bible, and no Tuttle Twins. Sorry kids.

Someone, please stop this psycho before it’s too late.

RELATED POLITCAL SATIRE:

Supreme Court Moves To White House So They Can Strike Down Unconstitutional Mandates In Real-Time

Jen Psaki Provides Electricity To All Of DC By Backpedaling On Exercise Bike

Progressives Cheer As Man Pummels Woman

Gavin Newsom Spotted Tossing Gorilla Costume And Carton Of Eggs Into Dumpster

Uh-Oh: Vials Of Mysterious Substance At Wuhan Lab Labeled ‘Save For 2024 Election’

EDITORS NOTE: This political satire column by The Babylon Bee is republished with permission. ©All rights reserved.

Sweden Has Disappeared

The entire nation of Sweden seems to have disappeared.

So far as we can tell, no scientific investigation into the disappearance of Sweden has been conducted. In fact, it is among scientists that Sweden seems to have pulled off an amazing vanishing act. Politicians around the world also have lost complete contact with the country. The media is not even aware of the countries existence. However, tourists and geographers have confirmed to us that the country still exists.

Frankly, we don’t know what to believe.

To our best knowledge, Sweden is still in the United Nations and we still have diplomatic relations with them. But being an ambassador to a country that has simply vanished, must be quite an unusual posting. Embassy parties must be quite subdued.

It is not certain how this disappearance act is performed, as Sweden is a rather large country that makes quite good automobiles, trucks, heavy earth moving equipment, arms, and jet airplanes. They produce a substantial amount of pop music ranging from vintage ABBA to First Aid Kit.

Quite a number of Swedes came to the US in the late 19th century and we are told they can be found in the Dakotas. We have met them, and they are nice people. But this only confirms that Sweden did exist at one time and is not proof it exists today.

Now personally, we have been able to completely disappear in front of clerks, bureaucrats, and people at airline ticket counters, but we don’t understand how an entire country can pull this off.

It really is one of the wonders of the world.

The reason we mention this is the chart shown above. The chart shows new cases of Covid in Sweden versus Israel.

Israel has is one of the most vaccinated and face-covered countries on earth while Sweden decided to deal with the Wuhan virus by doing very little if anything.

You would think this chart would be of interest to public officials in the US who are busily re-masking school children and requiring vaccination and revaccination through coercive mandates. But it would seem that evidence is not really required in their decision-making process.

While we make no pretense of being a medical doctor, we can read a chart, and likely so can you. It would seem to us that vaccination and mask-wearing have very little to do with the number of virus cases.  If so, destroying our economy, dividing our people into bitter camps, destroying personal liberty does not seem like a fair trade-off.

Strangely, it appears there may be an inverse relationship. That is to say, the more you do the worse the medical results, and the less you do, the better the results.

It really is a shame that Sweden has disappeared. We read the other day that ABBA was coming out of retirement and was going to cut a new album. We were looking forward to that.

Report Details How Leftist Organizations Have Infiltrated Our State Election Systems

Please read and share the below report. We need to be aware of leftist so called voter info/rights groups operating in Florida attempting to sway our elections to the dark side such as the two which follow.

Citizen’s Guide to Researching Outside Influences In Your Local Election Office

by Ned Jones The Virginia Project

Researching outside influences in your local election office is an on-going project. It is vital to know which groups, entities and individuals are working inside the election offices and to know how they may be influencing decisions and outcomes in our election offices.

The goal is to find and expose those outside influences that are having a significant effect on our elections. There are many tools for the Citizen Researcher to use in this effort.

If you have a genuine interest in our election system, and believe that we no longer have fair and honest elections, then here’s what you can do as a Citizen Researcher to help change that. These are the steps that I took and the tools that I used to determine some of the key the Outside Influences that were embedded in Virginia’s election offices – and apparently many others nationwide –
that were involved in the 2020 Election.

Citizen Research Topics

Third-Party Voter Registration Drive mailings
Third-Party Absentee Ballot Application mailings
Role of the USPS in Third-Party mailings
Third-Party Funding of local Elections
Dept of Elections – Voter Information, Activities, Reports, Outside Vendors
Local Registrars – Voter Information, Election Officers, Seasonal Workers
State Legislatures – Election Legislation, Hearings, Committee Reports
Congress – Election Legislation, Hearings, Reports
Citizen Researcher Steps & Protocols:
The research starts with these internet searches.
Third-Party Voter Registration/Absentee Ballot Application Mailings in (State)
Third-Party Funding/Grants to Local Election Offices in (State) Go to these websites. State Dept. of Elections and State Legislature

Sources of Mass Election Mailings.

When you find an organization doing mass mailings of Voter Registration forms and/or Absentee Ballot Applications in your state, do a search of their website for information about their activities, and a search of the Influence Watch website for detailed information about the organization. Try to get copies of their mailings, either images online, using Google, or from voters that you know who received them.

Do the same thing if you find organizations that are providing funding/grants to local election offices in your state. Your research into these organizations will lead you to other organizations that are involved with your local election offices.

Go to your state’s Dept. of Elections website and search for the names of the organizations that you have found. You may find information about a relationship between them. Get familiar with this
website. Use it for election and voter information. Find out what election/voter lists are available and is there a cost. You also want to start filing FOIA Requests with the Dept. of Elections for any information that you couldn’t find on their website. Such as, requesting them to provide any correspondence between any Election Official and the third-party organizations that you have already found. Request any information that will help your research. All it takes is a simple email, and so far for me, they have all been free.

Look for information about “Absentee Ballot Tracking” on your state’s Dept. of Elections website. They will most likely be using Ballot Scouts (See Appendix). They have a system of tracking
absentee ballots in the mail and confirming the receipt date at the election location. This becomes critical as you approach Absentee/Early Voting deadlines. If there is no postmark, the Election Officials will defer to the Ballot Scouts tracking information. Be sure to check out Democracy Works who runs Ballot Scouts, on Influence Watch.

Look for information about “Audits” on your state’s Dept. of Elections website. Most states will run a “Risk Limiting Audit” after the election. There should be an Audit Report and it will include the
names of the vendors who performed the audit. Most likely it will be Verified Voting and Voter Works (See Appendix). Be sure to check them out on Influence Watch.

Go to the website for the Election Assistance Commission, a non-partisan government commission and search for all the organizations that you have found so far. Go to the USPS website and search for the names of the organizations that you have found so far. In my case, I found The Center for Voter Information/Voter Participation Center (See Appendix), that had done a mass mailing in Virginia. I had their USPS Bulk Mail Account number from an image of an envelope, and found out they had a special type of Bulk Mail Account. I also found out that the USPS used them in their promotional materials.

Go to your State Legislature’s website to become familiar with your sate’s election laws and look for any recent changes.

Monitor what’s happening in Congress with federal election laws.

Citizen Researcher Tools

Once you have identified specific groups that are engaged with your local election office, you should research and find more information about them. Some of the most common ones are listed in the Appendix. For groups, and vendors, that are not listed in the appendix, below are some research tools that are very useful in learning more about who is influencing your local election offices and officials.

Websites:

  • – Capital Research Center – Excellent source for investigative reports on actual and potential Outside Influences.
  • Influence Watch – This website is run by the Capital research Center and is an excellent source for detailed descriptions and other information about actual and potential Outside Influences. Real Clear Politics – Good source for consolidated polling information. Most polls over poll Democrats, so you have to adjust the results.
  • USPS – Information on organizations doing mass mailings.
  • Internet Search – Google, Bing, etc.

Social Media – Twitter, FB, Telegram, GAB, Parler, Etc. are all good sources of information, but always check out what you read as there is a lot of disinformation, and you only want to deal with facts.

FOIA Requests – Freedom of Information Act requests are simple, usually free, and the response can be very valuable information.

State Board of Elections – Monitor their activities and attend their meetings. Like the Dept. of Elections, they are a good source for information about elections at the state level.

Local Registrars – Develop a relationship with your local Registrar. They will be your best source about what’s happening at the local level. It may take a FOIA request to get what you want, but a
personal relationship goes a long way. They will help you get involved as an election observer.

State and Local GOP – Join the local GOP Committee Unit. It’s a good way to get information about what the Party and Candidates are doing in your state.

Media – Monitor as much Media as possible, but be real careful with the information. Beware of “Fake News”. You only want to deal with facts.

Election Data and Statewide protocols and Guidance:

  • Dept. of Elections – Best source for information about elections at the state level. Information about Registration, Turn Out, Election Results. Policy Reports, Audit Reports, and the names of their outside vendors.

Ongoing Research and Monitoring of Election Changes:

  • State Legislature – Information on election related legislation that is being considered, or has passed.
  • State and Local Election Boards: Monitor changes in state rules, regulations and guidance related to election procedures and protocols.

APPENDIX OF KNOWN LEFTIST GROUPS EMBEDDED IN LOCAL ELECTION OFFICES

The Center For Voter Information – I found them with a simple Google search for “Third -Party Absentee Ballot Application mailings”. This is a Left-Leaning Non-Profit in D.C. that mailed out Two Million Absentee Ballot Applications in Virginia (and many millions more in other states in 2020). These third-party mailings are legal in Virginia and encouraged by the Dept. of Elections. In the case of CVI, they used a UPS Store mailbox, in Richmond, VA, as the return address on their envelope to make it look like they were a local concern. I found UPS Store mailbox addresses for them in 10 states, and found out that they mailed out millions of Absentee Ballot Applications in at least 25 states. They have a close relationship with the USPS who provided them with a list of undeliverable mail that we call “Unlikely Voters”.

We are continuing to conduct research to determine if votes were somehow cast for those voters. We presently have a FOIA request to the USPS to obtain whatever lists have been provided to this organization. As a result of this research, I collaborated on an article by the Capital Research Center about this theory, and found a tremendous amount of information about CVI on Influence Watch. A link to the article is here: https://capitalresearch.org/article/did-the-center-for-voter-informationintervene-illegally-in-the-2020-election/

The Center for Tech and Civic Life –This entity began as a small, Left-Leaning, Non-profit in Chicago, identified and discussed by the Capital Research Center’s President, Scott Walter, during his
testimony before the Georgia state legislature in December 2020. CTCL is the organization that distributed the $400 Million Zuckerberg grants to election offices targeted in key counties in
battleground states during the 2020 election. Following that presentation, I researched the the CTCL website and found the 39 Counties/Cities that received grants in Virginia. With that information, I conducted Google searches and FOIA requests propounded to each of the counties requesting from them the amount of the grant received by each location. The 39 grants totaled approximately $4 Million in the Commonwealth of Virginia. Of that, $3.6 Million was provided to locations carried by Biden and only $400,000 for locations that Trump won. I also found out that CTCL had previously provided free training to local election officials in the Spring of 2020 regarding voting systems, which was encouraged by the Dept. Of Elections. Once the training was conducted, CTCL then offered Zuckerberg grants to those localities. In fact, with further research, I learned that CTCL is a training partner for the Election Assistance Commission, a non-partisan federal government commission. Again, I collaborated on an article by the Capital Research Center about the CTCL Grants in Virginia. Those reports are included here: https://capitalresearch.org/article/how-mark-zuckerberg-meddled-invirginias-2020-election/

Ballot Scouts – I reviewed a post-election report from the Dept. of Elections and found this organization. Many states use Ballot Scouts to track their Absentee/Mail-In Ballots. I went to Influence Watch and found that Ballot Scouts is owned by Democracy Works, a Left-Leaning Non-Profit. The Influence Watch website has an extensive description of the structure and funding for Democracy Works.

Democracy Works – As well as Ballot Scouts, they run the Voting Information Project, that according to Influence Watch provides users with locations for voting and information on their region’s
ballot. The Voting Information Project is included in the toolkit for the U.S. Election Assistance Commission, a non-partisan government commission.

Verified Voting – Virginia conducted a “Risk Limiting Audit” (which is a relatively new invention of left wing election activities and is generally meaningless as it does not actually audit anything and is essentially a waste of time) after the November 2020 election that was conducted by Verified Voting. This organization according to Influence Watch, is a Left-Leaning Non-Profit that is supported by the Democracy Alliance, a group of progressive, left-wing donors that has funded hundreds of millions of dollars into changing the American electorate to ensure their ‘progressive’ vision for the country.

Voting Works – In the same Risk Limiting Audit Report, I found out that the program that was used for the audit is called Arlo and the vendor is Voting Works, a Left-Leaning, Non-Profit according to Influence Watch, that is funded by a George Soros organization. Also, according to Influence Watch, the U.S. Department of Homeland Security partnered with Voting Works to pilot the use of its vote verification software in six battleground states during the November 2020 election.

The Center For Voter Information (recently mailed 2.1 Million Absentee Ballot Applications in Virginia) a Left-Wing, Non-Profit that is operating in Florida. The return address on their mail pieces is 800 Ocala Rd., Ste. #300 #318, Tallahassee, FL 32304. This is not a physical address, but a UPS Store mailbox. Another is The Center for Tech and Civic Life which has distributed $18 Million in Zuckerberg Grants in Florida.

As usual with the left they have names/titles that sound great but their purposes are strictly to push leftist/Marxist agendas.

©The Virginia Project. All rights reserved.

Biden Unveils ‘Your Body, My Choice’ Vaccination Program

WASHINGTON, D.C.—In a speech today, Joe Biden unveiled a brand new program to force the rest of the country to get vaccinated, entitled “Your Body, My Choice.”

“Listen folks, make mistake. Uh, make no mistake,” said the President, reading carefully off the teleprompter. “I have complete control and sole authority over everything you do with your body, and everything you put in your body. I’m the government for God sakes! I have F-15s and nukes! Jus getha vashine! Jusdoit!”

Biden then walked out of the room to get a snack.

Many concerns remained around issues of freedom and natural immunity, but the President was already eating his applesauce with the crushed-up pills in it and was unable to answer questions.

Companies will be forced to comply with the mandate until the Supreme Court strikes it down in a few hours.

RELATED POLTICAL SATIRE:

Biden Announces He Has Natural Immunity To The Constitution

Joe Biden Announces Civil War

Jussie Smollett Disguises Self As Larry Elder So People Will Commit Real Hate Crimes Against Him

‘Even We Have Standards’: More Birds Refusing To Crap On New York Times

Gavin Newsom Tells Californians To Stay Home Stay Safe On Recall Election Day

EDITORS NOTE: This political satire column by The Babylon Bee is republished with permission. ©All rights reserved.

Kamala Found!

I hope today finds you well, overseeing all the news, that is fit to print over at The NY Times.   The news seems to be nonstop these days with human dynamo Joey at the helm.  Successful policy, after successful policy by Ole Joe and his crackerjack crew…..well, maybe successful isn’t exactly the right word.

HARRIS/BIDEN ADMINISTRATION FAILURES

If you listen to the radical right, their description is a little bit different.  Let’s see, they refer to the first 8 months of the Harris/Talibiden administration as an unadulterated, abysmal failure.  Each failed decision trumping (sorry) the previous decision, with greater ineptitude.  The right says this almost seems like the destruction of our country and values is being done either by design or gross incompetence.  Leave it to Joey to keep us guessing, that rascal!

KAMALA LOCATED

But, let’s get on to some good news, shall we Deano?  It seems that that elusive installed VP, Kamala Harris has been spotted.  Thank heavens, as I was starting to get worried when I saw her picture on all those milk containers, and was getting concerned.  It seems she was spotted out in California campaigning for that all star of the Democratic Party Gavin Newsom.

Amazing isn’t it Deano, where does she find the time?   With 200,000 illegal aliens streaming in monthly at the Southern border, where incidentally Heels Harris is the border czar, to the absolute catastrophic quagmire worsening day by day in Afghanistan, she was basically nowhere in sight.  It is almost like when there is a legitimate crisis, she magically disappears, a regular Houdini.   Like when she had to make that imperative, ground breaking trip to Vietnam, that accomplished………..well, um, President Trump is a racist.  The right asks where is this empty pantsuit? She is usually right there standing behind Joey like the grim reaper.  They are saying her gross incompetence makes Billy Deblasio look good…….and believe me Deano, that is very hard to do.

NEWSOM RECRUITS KALAMITY

Well, I’m sure she will do wonders for Gavin.  Maybe she could be a monitor, and oversee the mail in ballot count….you know make sure there is no fraud? Maybe, he could call in Auntie Pelosi to lend a hand, unless she has a hair dye appointment, touching up those Gray roots or Happy Hour that day; what  a beautiful soul she is.   I wouldn’t put it past the right to try and manipulate that mail in process, sheesh.  Well hopefully seeing the great job Gavin has done so far out there he is a cinch to win. Why, just look at San Francisco, and all the free campsites lining the streets.  Or, take a spin to wine country after filling up with $4.50 a gallon gas.  Mask and school mandates, unless of course you are dining out during the height of the plandemic, like good Ole Gavin.  A poverty rate of over 17%, homicide rates skyrocketing year after year, affordable housing non-existent, forest fire management (better skip this one), a tad of a homeless problem, well then that explains it, …..President Trump is a racist.

RACIST BEHAVIOR (AT LEAST SOMETIMES, THAT IS)

Speaking of the Governor run off in California, did you happen to see Larry Elder on the campaign trail the other day Deano?  Well it seems that a protester threw an egg at Larry as he was walking down the street, narrowly missing him.  This upstanding citizen in a gorilla mask then took a swipe at one of those in Larry’s entourage.  Wearing the mask and menacing, very KKK like, eh Deano?  You could even make a claim that this was a racist attack.  Here is the funny part Deano old sport, there wasn’t any mention of this in your award winning tabloid, The New York Times, where you are the executive editor.  For that matter, I didn’t see any coverage on that other trustworthy news outlet, CNN, maybe the unbiased Rachel Maddow on MSNBC covered the story?

You see, I would venture to say, that if this were to happen to the lovely Maxine Waters, Heels Harris or perhaps, dare we say, Barack Hussein, the coverage would have been much different.  Wouldn’t you agree Deano?  I would imagine this as front page news and 24/7 coverage on CNN.  I could see Fredo, sorry I mean Chris Cuomo and the unbiased Donnie Lemon screaming of violated civil rights.  Hollywood would be out in droves, Tommy Hanks, Stevie Spielberg, Meryl Streep (she of “Harvey Winestein is a God”, fame), the ever even-keeled Bobby De Niro, speaking out against these racists.

But not a peep, in regards to Larry Elder though.  Makes you almost think that these “news” outlets and celebrities have a ridiculous double standard and reek of hypocrisy, and tow a strict party line.  I know that sounds crazy, it’s almost like saying, Joey Talibiden is a pathological liar………well maybe that is not the best example, scratch that.

DEFLECT AND THEN DEFLECT SOME MORE

I want to congratulate you personally Deano.  You barely have any print dedicated to Joey’s Afghanistan debacle. Less than 2 weeks after Joey sacrificed 13 American heroes and abandoned Americans and refugees .  That’s right Jen Goebbels Psaki…..abandoned!  Well done Deano, right up there with CNN. Always deflect, don’t hold your party accountable, yeah, that’s the ticket.

We have to really focus on Covid, now more than ever.  This narrative needs to go all out, to shall we say 11/8/22 for instance, just a random date.  I say shut down businesses again, get the kids back to remote learning, more stimulus checks, and MOST importantly we need mail in ballots.  Forget the Southern Border catastrophe, Joey’s Afghanistan debacle, run away inflation, crime ridden cities………..focus, focus on the real issue, toddlers in masks!  The science, you must respect the science…….unless you’re at Barack Hussein’s birthday bash or Ole Nancy’s garden parties.

SUE EVERYBODY, AT LEAST ALL CONSERVATIVES

Maybe after the  DOJ  gets done suing Georgia and their racist voting requirements, (like having a valid ID, crazy, I know)….the nerve, or get done suing Texas and their abortion laws, we can get back to examining Larry Elders civil rights violations.  It’s funny, it’s like almost any conservative states that pass laws that don’t line up with the administration’s liberal views, they end up getting sued by the federal government. Sounds a little like the media, social networking, Hollywood, etc, being an arm or rather a tentacle of the left.  Sue all conservative’s I say, just to be on the safe side.  It is almost like the Harris administration is directing the DOJ.  That can’t be right, can it Deano?

This is akin to the amount of attention the FBI is giving the Capitol inconvenience  (Jen Propaganda Psaki trick), versus the voter fraud claims, which is almost comical. I know they can’t be working with the liberal progressive administration, that would be corrupt. Maybe, they could get the Cracker Jack FBI officers who worked on the Whitey Bulger case to work on the voter fraud? When are they due out of jail anyway?

Well, as usual your journalistic integrity is beyond reproach Deano.  The example you set for our children is immeasurable.  I just hope the kids can appreciate it through their double masks and virtual learning.

Remember stay away from the Larry Elder coverage, as you enjoy your plush estate out in the non diverse hamlet of Larchmont California.  I bet no one’s throwing eggs out there, eh Deano?

©Chris Cirino. All rights reserved.

Liberal Wants To Join A Union But Realizes He’d Have To Get A Job

PORTLAND, OR—Henry Trudeau is passionately pro-union. He changes his profile picture to support unions that are going on strike and browses Twitter to voice his support for teachers’ unions, ironworkers’ unions, and any other union that gets involved in a labor dispute. He likes unions so much, in fact, that he decided to go all the way and join one. But he was disappointed to discover that in order to join a union he would first have to get a job.

“Aww, man! That’s so lame,” he said as he browsed the website for his local lumberjack union and realized that in order to join, he’d have to get up every morning and chop down trees. “That’s so ga–I mean, that’s so cishet. It’s totally discriminatory! Why do you have to actually work to join a union?”

He browsed union after union online, and sure enough, they all required employment to be a member.

“The teachers’ union looks pretty promising, as you can get a job but then just stay home,” he said. “But that’s still a lot of work, when all I was trying to do was morally posture online. Ugh.”

At publishing time, Trudeau had decided to found the world’s first “unemployed’s union,” where you can have the smug superiority of joining a union but not actually have to go to work.

RELATED POLITICAL SATIRE: Nancy Pelosi Flies To Afghanistan To Lecture Stranded Americans On How Bad January 6 Was

EDITORS NOTE: This political satire column by The Babylon Bee is republished with permission. ©All rights reserved.

Nancy Pelosi Flies To Afghanistan To Lecture Stranded Americans On How Bad January 6 Was

KABUL—Nancy Pelosi landed at the airport in Kabul today on a mission to reach out to stranded Americans there. She’s not on a rescue mission or there to provide any relief, though, and is instead lecturing them on how bad January 6 was. “We have to educate these people on how bad that insurrection was,” she told reporters before flying out. “They don’t have access to as much information, news, or internet out there, so it’s possible they haven’t heard about January 6 and what a dark day that was for our country.”

“January 6 was literally the worst disaster in the history of the presidency!” she said through a megaphone at Americans waiting at the airport for some hope of escape. “You people just don’t understand how bad it was! Ms. Ocasio-Cortez literally gave her life for you that day!”

“Alright, just don’t go radicalizing yourselves and thinking Trump actually won, and everything will be OK. Byyyyyye!!!”

It wasn’t all a lecture, though, as Pelosi left behind one half-eaten quart of her favorite brand of ice cream for the stranded Americans to fight over, Hunger Games-style.

RELATED POLITICAL SATIRE:

How Can God Be Real When A Christian Was Mean To Me Once? Checkmate, Fundies

Joe Rogan: ‘I’m Doing Better But I’m Still A Little Hoarse’

Liberal Wants To Join A Union But Realizes He’d Have To Get A Job

Anakin Skywalker Hired By Planned Parenthood For His Speed And Efficiency Taking Care Of The Younglings

Christian Leader Sure He’s On The Right Track As He’s Getting Tons Of Good Feedback From The World

EDITORS NOTE: This political satire column by The Babylon Bee is republished with permission. All rights reserved.

Biden’s Approval Rating Among CNN Employees Sinks To All-Time Low Of 98%

ATLANTA, GA—After a tumultuous 3 weeks and a botched withdrawal from Afghanistan, internal polls now indicate that Biden’s approval rating among those who work at CNN has fallen to an all-time low of 98%.

“This is extremely concerning,” said CNN president Jeffrey Zucker. “In spite of our best efforts to support our dear president, his approval among our employees has fallen to just 98%, down from a previous low of 99.2%. Rest assured—we will find who these employees are who disapprove and ensure they undergo disciplinary measures.”

Some anonymous sources have suggested that Biden’s approval rating at CNN is actually much lower, but that most employees have lied on the survey in order to keep their jobs. To find out who’s lying, Zucker will be mandating lie detector tests for all employees.

The survey did confirm, however, that CNN employee approval of Communist China, Big Tech, and Jeffrey Toobin still remains at a healthy 100%, at least among those named Jeffrey Toobin.

RELATED POLITICAL SATIRE:

Press Shocked As Man Who Didn’t Answer Any Questions While Running For President Still Doesn’t Answer Any Questions Now That He’s President

Racist Democrats Desperately Try To Prevent Black Man From Becoming Governor Of California

Joe Rogan Criticized As ‘Anti-Science’ For Surviving COVID

Pfizer Releases Brand New, Never-Before-Seen Drug ‘Pfivermectin’

Top 10 Animals Noah Should Have Yeeted Off The Ark

EDITORS NOTE: This political satire column by The Babylon Bee is republished with permission. ©All rights reserved.

Planned Parenthood Warns New Abortion Laws Will Disproportionately Allow More Black People To Be Born

NEW YORK, NY—Furious progressives working at Planned Parenthood warned today that Texas’ new abortion limitations will inordinately affect minority communities, and if they were to stand, could lead to more minorities being allowed to live.

“This terrible law that keeps babies from having their heads crushed will particularly affect poor communities of color,” said Brenda Davis, Planned Parenthood spokesperson. “If you’re poor, and then you have a baby, you’ll be even poorer. Children are obviously better off dead than having to be alive and poor! But these sick, twisted Republicans want these babies to be alive anyway, even though we know their entire lives will suck because they are black and poor. Monsters!”

Abortion advocates have also pointed out that the restrictions would eliminate the ability of parents to kill their baby if the baby turns out to be disabled. “Not allowing women to get the screening back in order to decide if the child’s life is worth living is simply unconscionable,” said Hillary Clinton. “Surveys of people with Down syndrome say they lead happy and fulfilling lives – but obviously we know better than they do, because they have Down syndrome! Women should be able to kill their baby for any reason – too short, too many toes, having an outie belly button – that’s what women’s rights really look like!”

Abortionists warned that if they were to close down, Texas would pay the price by having more people of color and with disabilities, which would make Texas even more awful than it already is. “This is a tragedy on top of a tragedy,” said Alexis Johnson, president of Planned Parenthood. “Not only are we talking about more babies being born, but we’re also talking about a disproportionate number of black babies being born. That’s an existential threat to the eugenics mission we were founded on, if you know anything about our history.”

At publication time, liberals were trying to make a point by releasing proposals forcing men to be equally involved in the raising and supporting of children, but conservatives simply agreed to everything.

RELATED POLITICAL SATIRE:
EDITORS NOTE: This political satire column by The Babylon Bee is republished with permission. ©All rights reserved.

Report: Biden Wasn’t Checking Watch, Just Making Sure There Was No Blood Left On His Hands

DOVER, DE—While speculation has circled about President Biden checking his watch during the dignified transfer of fallen soldiers, sources in the administration have confirmed that in fact, he was only looking to see if he still had blood on his hands.

Despite attempting to blame Trump, climate change, and the Afghani people themselves, at the end of the debacle Biden still found himself with blood on his hands, and his alone. Somehow, being the President of the United States—and being the final authority who selected Pentagon leaders for their intersectionality, ordered the total troop withdrawal, conceded to deadlines set by terrorists, abandoned allies with no warning, withdrew the military before ensuring civilians were brought to safety, trusted known terrorists to provide safe passage for Americans to the airport and put military members in the impossible scenario of securing an airport while crowds of desperate people attempted to get in—somehow, all of that made him responsible.

“Just can’t imagine why I have their blood on my hands,” said a pensive Joe Biden. “I did everything perfectly, just like I always do. Everything that went wrong was someone else’s fault, just like it always is. I’ll make sure those Gold Star families understand that. Right after I get this blood all cleaned off my hands.”

Standing in Dover to await the fallen soldiers, Biden suddenly worried how it would look if he was seen standing there with their blood, bearing actual blame. A photographer caught the moment, and the image spread like fire.

“Republicans have floated their childish theories, claiming President Biden was worried about when Matlock was starting, or if he was missing the early bird special at Golden Corral,” said Press Secretary Jen Psaki. “But I can assure you all, he was simply trying to remove evidence of his share in the responsibility for the loss of life we have endured.”

RELATED POLITICAL SATIRE:

Americans Finally Unified Against Common Foe

Secret Service Investigating Credible Threat From The Grim Reaper

Psaki Praises ‘Flawless Cleanup Effort’ After Biden Poops On White House Lawn

Spirit Halloween Sets Up Shop In Abandoned U.S. Military Bases In Afghanistan

EDITORS NOTE: This political satire column by The Babylon Bee is republished with permission. ©All rights reserved.

Biden Administration Changes U.S. Military Slogan To ‘Hundreds Of Americans Left Behind’

WASHINGTON, D.C.—The Biden administration announced today the long-running informal slogan of the United States military, that no man will be left behind, is going to be changed to “hundreds of Americans left behind.”

The new slogan will more accurately describe the activities of the military under the Biden administration as they leave behind American citizens in hostile countries after the Taliban ordered them to.

“This is much more accurate,” Jen Psaki said in a press conference. “Leaving nobody behind is, frankly, pretty unrealistic. We’re fairly happy with how well we’ve done here, even though we may have left an American or two or two hundred behind in Afghanistan.”

“This is a much more attainable standard for the U.S. military of 2021. Going back to save Americans can be very triggering for our service members, especially in hostile territory where the Taliban might call them the wrong pronouns.”

Biden himself was unavailable for comment, as he was either napping or dead, and Psaki wasn’t sure which. She did say she would circle back to Biden and hold a mirror under his nose, though.

EDITORS NOTE: This political satire column by The Babylon Bee is republished with permission. ©All rights reserved.

Costco Introduces New 5-Gallon Family Size Pfizer Vaccine

SEATTLE, WA—In a deal that probably has nothing to do with Pfizer’s COVID-19 vaccine showing disappointing long-term effectiveness, the pharmaceutical giant has announced an ambitious partnership with bulk wholesale giant Costco, and the unveiling of the new Pfizer-Kirkland Signature 5-Gallon Family Size Vaccine Booster Tub™.

Every Costco store is now stocked with sensibly-sized buckets of the vaccine, complete with instructions, kid-friendly self-stick syringes, and a 5-pack of IV kits for families who have been led to believe in overwhelming safety over all other aspects of life.

Kelly Earskin, while shopping for some chips and a jacuzzi, commented that the tubs were not hard to find due to the size of each bucket, and the fact that the pharmacy and vitamin shelves had been replaced with dozens of pallets of the stuff. “I had actually forgotten to pick up the vaccine, but the checkout worker ran back and grabbed it for me because Costco workers are so friendly and also because it’s required and you can’t leave the store without buying some.”

At press time, Donald Trump was seen on the street corner near Costco spinning a sign that advertised 5-gallon buckets of hydroxychloroquine.

RELATED POLITICAL SATIRE:

Biden Wakes Up From Bizarre Dream That He Was Talking To Israel’s Prime Minister

Biden Deploys Military Back To Afghanistan After Realizing They Left Behind Millions Of Masks

Op-Ed: Your Freedom Is Not More Important Than My Fear Of Your Freedom

Amazing: After Careful Study, Man Concludes Jesus Would Have All The Same Political Positions That He Does

EDITORS NOTE: This political satire column by The Babylon Bee is republished with permission. ©All rights reserved.

Biden Drone Strikes White House After Vowing To Kill Those Responsible For American Military Deaths In Kabul

WASHINGTON, D.C—President Joe Biden has finally stepped up delivering harsh remarks regarding those responsible for the deaths of our troops in Kabul. The President has authorized deadly force to deal with all who caused this tragedy.

“We will not rest until those responsible for this senseless, avoidable crisis in Kabul have been removed from this Earth,” said a forceful Biden. “We will unleash everything within our military’s arsenal to stop those who allowed this to happen!”

Unbeknownst to Biden at that very moment, a US military drone was activated and given the White House as its target. Before Biden could finish his speech he was pulled away urgently and briefed on what he’d just done.

“Aw c’mon man! I said kill the terrorists. Not us! What’s the deal, man?” said Biden.

“I’m sorry sir, but unfortunately you said to kill those responsible, Mr. President,” said General Milley. “The drones are quite literal, sir. There’s nothing we can do.”

At publishing time, Biden had tried to give the drones new orders to kill those who wish to harm our country, but the drone’s path remained unaltered.

RELATED POLITICAL SATIRE:

Taliban Buys Hunter Biden Painting For Presidential Palace

To Prevent Their Kids From Being Socially Awkward And Weird, More Parents Opting To Homeschool

Late-Night Talk Show Host Suddenly Realizes He Hasn’t Told A Funny Joke Since 2015

White House Sends Beto To Help Taliban Confiscate Afghans’ Weapons

Harvard Hires Satan As New Head Chaplain

EDITORS NOTE: This political satire column by The Babylon Bee is republished with permission. ©All rights reserved.

In Response To Afghanistan Disaster, Pelosi Begins Impeachment Proceedings Against President Trump

WASHINGTON, D.C.—Speaker of the House Nancy Pelosi has announced Congress will be taking action immediately as the situation in Afghanistan rapidly deteriorates. To hold those responsible for the evacuation debacle, Congress will consider articles of impeachment against President Donald Trump.

“Good morning, Thursday morning,” Pelosi said during a press conference this morning, which was Thursday morning. “We’re facing a dire situation in Afghanistan, and that means we as Congress need to do our duty to hold those responsible accountable for their horrible, horrible actions. That’s why, effective immediately, I’m introducing articles of impeachment against the president. President Donald Trump.”

Pelosi says Trump being impeached a third time won’t actually accomplish anything. But, she says, it will send a clear message to Trump that she doesn’t like him, which is the important thing. “He didn’t get the message the first two times,” she said. “Now the world will know for sure that the orange man truly is bad.”

“The walls are closing in. We got him this time.”

Trump says he welcomes the impeachment as he will be the first president in the history of the world to be acquitted three times. “That’s huge!” he said, addressing his supporters on the few social networks that have not yet banned him. “Sleepy Joe hasn’t even been acquitted once. Sad and pathetic!”

Watch This Video Before It Gets Demonetized

RELATED POLITICAL SATIRE:

We Have A Lot Of Words We’d Like To Call Joe Biden Right Now But We Are A Christian Website So Here Are Some G-Rated Alternatives

Americans At Mercy Of Taliban Just Glad We Don’t Have A President Who Posts Mean Tweets Anymore

White House Begins Pinning Talking Points On Biden’s Back For Maximum Visibility

Study Finds Connection Between Checking The News, Longing For Jesus To Return

EDITORS NOTE: This political satire column by The Babylon Bee is republished with permission. ©All rights reserved.

Taliban Opens Chain Of U.S. Army Surplus Stores

KABUL—Now that Allah has seen fit to bless the Taliban with bountiful weapons and equipment from the U.S. Military, terrorists around Afghanistan have built an already thriving chain of U.S. Army Surplus stores.

“We need weapons to kill and subjugate the Afghan people under Sharia Law, but there’s just too much gear here!” said local Taliban leader Bob Muhammed. “There’s, like, billions of dollars and 20 years worth of weaponry around here, and now I can build a thriving business out of selling my wares to other terrorist folk who happen to pass through! Allah be praised!”

Although the merchandise will not be available to the general public (for obvious reasons), Muhammed’s Army Surplus will feature a full selection of deadly weaponry, ammunition, combat boots, MREs, helmets, hashish, and whatever else a soldier of Allah may need.

If successful, Bob Muhammed hopes to open more stores in Iraq and Syria.

The U.S. Government has taken note as new store locations open up for future drone pilot target practice.

RELATED POLITICAL SATIRE:

American In Taliban Prison Starting To Worry How This Will Affect Biden’s Poll Numbers

Biden’s Guest Hosting Of ‘Jeopardy!’ A Disaster As He Flees Every Time A Contestant Puts An Answer In Form Of A Question

Overrun Hospitals Unable To Combat Dual Threat Of COVID, Milk Crate Challenge

Australian Citizens Ask Taliban To Liberate Their Country

Joe Biden Praised For Historic Rescue Efforts To Save Kid He Pushed Down A Well

EDITORS NOTE: This political satire column by The Babylon Bee is republished with permission. ©All rights reserved.